For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Shocked," who was surprised when her husband's parents sent her lingerie for her birthday. Many men feel that lingerie is the ultimate turn-on. Her in-laws may have intended to add a little extra romance and provide a pleasant surprise for their son -- a wish he himself may have conveyed.
I speak from experience. My mother-in-law gave me some lingerie for my bridal shower, saying, "I was married once, too, and trust me -- this will make him happy." And it has, three years later. -- SARA IN TEXAS
DEAR SARA: That letter certainly struck a familiar chord with a lot of wives. Let me share some of the comments I received:
DEAR ABBY: For the shocked daughter-in-law who wasn't happy about the peek-a-boo nightie -- that's nothing! I received the same kind of outfit from my mother-in-law at a couples' shower that was held at our Baptist Sunday school teacher's house, in front of a group of young Navy pilots.
And the family wonders why the relationship has always been tense. -- BEEN THERE AND WORSE
DEAR BEEN THERE: Why not make it "past tense" and forgive her the lapse in judgment? The gift may have been well-intended, but her timing was off. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can do her one better. When my mother died years ago, her prayer circle presented me with a gift of underpants. I've never been able to figure that one out. -- MARY IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.
DEAR MARY: It makes one wonder what they were praying for.
DEAR ABBY: You missed a glaring point in the letter from "Shocked," the woman who wasn't sure how to react when her in-laws sent her a sexy negligee and a thong for her birthday (she was embarrassed): They had never sent her a birthday gift before!
Maybe the nightie wasn't a gift but a message. Perhaps the in-laws had heard something that caused them concern, and their gift was an attempt to inject some excitement into a flat relationship. "Shocked" should pause and consider the state of her marriage. After several years of marriage -- especially with children -- it's easy for a husband and wife to take each other for granted and grow apart.
If "Shocked" thinks her love life with her husband is lackluster, she might consider putting that gift to good use. -- KAREN IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR KAREN: It's worth considering. However, it did not occur to me that instead of a birthday gift, her in-laws had given her a veiled warning.
DEAR ABBY: That letter brought back such memories for me. When my husband and I were married 40 years ago, my mother-in-law would buy me sexy nighties every year for Christmas and birthdays.
When our first son was born four years later, I began receiving flannel nightgowns from her. Maybe "Shocked's" in-laws are trying to tell her they're ready for grandchildren. -- RITA IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR RITA: If they are, they're making a mistake. Besides being inappropriate, that kind of meddling often puts daughters-in-law on the defensive.
Mom Is Outraged by Friend's Bait and Switch Child Care
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Recently, a friend I'll call "Toni" asked if my 5-year-old daughter, "Chris," could stay overnight with her 4-year-old son. I have always said no, but this time Chris wanted so badly to do it that I said yes.
Toni knows how protective I am. She assured me Chris would be safe in her care. So my husband and I went to a movie and dinner. Since we were in the neighborhood, we stopped by around 10 p.m. to check on our daughter. When we arrived, we found Toni had gone to a party and left the children with a teenage baby sitter.
The children were upstairs jumping on the bed and raising Cain. I was horrified that my child had been left with a stranger when my friend had assured me she would be there. We packed up our little girl and left.
Toni called later to find out what happened. I explained my feeling that she should not have left Chris with a stranger without discussing it with me first. She called me paranoid and said I have a mental disorder and that I can't always protect my child.
Abby, I am not asking for advice. I am asking for your opinion so that I can prove a point. I want to open other parents' eyes to the fact that in this day and age we must do whatever is in our power to protect our children -- no matter whose toes we step on. -- PARANOID MOTHER
DEAR PARANOID: I agree that parents must do everything they can to protect their children. However, that is not what your letter is really about. Your friend was wrong to lead you to believe she would be supervising your daughter when that wasn't the case. It was dishonest and unfair, and I don't blame you for taking your child home. I see nothing wrong with parents socializing with other adults and leaving their children with a responsible sitter. But parents should have the right to screen the sitter themselves if they wish.
DEAR ABBY: When my daughter returned to college after Christmas break, my live-in boyfriend, "Ollie," informed me that he considers her to be a "guest" in our home and that she had overstayed her welcome. I feel that since she is still in school and my dependent, my home is her home and she is welcome to spend her breaks with me. My other daughter starts college in the fall, and I don't want her to feel that she, too, is a "guest" when she comes home.
This has been eating at me, Abby. I love Ollie, but there are no "choices" between my children and him. I thought he liked my children. I want to talk to Ollie to find out why he feels this way, and I am prepared to ask him to move out if he is firm about this.
Am I justified in drawing the line? -- HURT AND CONFUSED
DEAR HURT: You certainly are. Because your live-in appears to be both presumptuous and controlling, be glad that he spoke up now. A child coming home for a holiday vacation is hardly a major invasion. Consider very carefully what his attitude will mean for you in years to come. It is your daughters' home as well as yours, and he should not be dictating how long they should stay.
DEAR ABBY: I have two friends who divorced during the past year and now share custody of their children. During a recent argument, they began fighting over who gets to keep the church and the minister. So, Dear Abby, who does get custody of the minister? This is a new one on me. -- THE MINISTER IN QUESTION
DEAR MINISTER: Do not allow yourself to be drawn into something so petty. Both parties should be able to attend your church if they wish; there is usually more than one service on Sunday and separate sections in which to sit if they should happen to show up at the same time.
If they cannot agree to behave like civilized adults, then whichever one joined the church first should remain.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Grandmother Playing Favorites Undermines Girl's Self Esteem
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Todd," and I have been happily married for four years and together for six. We have a daughter (mine from a former marriage) and a beautiful little boy together. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Todd loves both children equally. Despite some tough financial times over the past two years, we are a happy family.
Our problem? Todd's mother. She's a negative, bitter woman who insists she "can't possibly" show our daughter the same love she shows our son. She sends affectionate notes to our son, none to our daughter. She shops at discount stores for our daughter and only the best shops for our son. She sent our son a beautiful handmade toy and our daughter a pencil -- yes, a pencil!
Please understand this isn't about gifts or the amount she spends. It's about the obvious disparity. Even worse, she's always saying that Todd couldn't possibly love our daughter the way he does our son. Need I tell you the damage this has already done to our daughter?
We are at our wit's end. Todd is ready to just walk away from his mother. I know we can't change the way she feels, but are we wrong to insist that she not show it so openly to our daughter? Help. Please. -- READY TO WALK AWAY
DEAR READY: You are not wrong. What you have described is emotional abuse on the part of your mother-in-law. Her blatant favoritism is heartless, deliberate and harmful to your children's relationship with each other -- not to mention damaging your daughter's self-esteem. If she fails to comply, you are also justified in limiting or restricting her contact with them.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away two years ago and I still have many of her things. I'm afraid that she'll think I don't love her or respect her belongings if I don't keep everything.
My question is, do you think she'll understand that I don't have a lot of space in my house? Do you have any ideas about where I could put her things? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. -- WITHOUT MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WITHOUT: Your mother left her things to you because she wanted you to enjoy them. Of course she would understand if you cannot use them all. She didn't intend for them to be a burden but a blessing.
Since there are more things than you need or want, please consider sharing the rest with other relatives who can appreciate their sentimental value. If that's not possible, donate them to a charity -- possibly one that raises money to fight the disease that took her. I can't think of a more worthwhile use for them than that.
DEAR ABBY: My long-divorced father was befriended by a well-to-do family from another country that has lived in the United States for a few years. They invited him to accompany them on a four-week visit to their country. While there, they talked him into marrying (on paper only) one of their sisters so that her child could get a U.S. visa.
The child has now arrived in the U.S. My father thinks he did a wonderful thing. I think he was used. What do you think? -- CONCERNED IN MINNESOTA
DEAR CONCERNED: I think your father committed immigration fraud. Please consult an immigration attorney on his behalf immediately. What I think is less important than what the INS will think if they get wind of his "good deed."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)