Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother of Sons Dreads Her Future as a Mother in Law
DEAR ABBY: I have three wonderful sons, ranging in age from 12 to 19. For the last 10 years, I have had bouts of depression when I think about losing them to girlfriends or wives. I keep remembering all the negative mother-in-law jokes and the derogatory commercials I have seen. How can anyone think that a mother can turn off her love for a son because another woman might get jealous or possessive? It is pounded into everyone's head that mothers-in-law are horrible and unworthy of communication and love from their son and his family.
I am sick of it! I'm a good person. I love my sons with every ounce of my being. I'll be there for them whenever I am needed. It is horrifying to me that the first time I might say something that doesn't suit my son's wife, she'll cut me out of their lives.
Men are such doormats for their girlfriends and wives! Why don't they stand up for their mothers the way we stood up for them? -- SICK OF THE BAD REP
DEAR SICK: Where did you get the idea that the majority of in-law relationships are dysfunctional? Women who welcome their daughters-in-law and don't treat them as rivals usually have warm and loving relationships. Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? I am concerned that your preconceptions will poison your future relationships. Please discuss them with a psychotherapist, and don't put it off.
DEAR ABBY: I live with a man I'll call Elmer who is, for the most part, a great guy. He accepted my son as his own and provided for him the same way he does for our daughter. We have a nice home, material comforts, and Elmer makes sure all our bills are covered if I can't afford to pay them myself.
Last year, I decided I wanted to go and swim with the dolphins -- literally. I told Elmer this is a spiritual thing, something I want to do for myself and by myself. Elmer tends to be sort of a control freak, but if I stand my ground, he usually backs down. With this dolphin thing, though, he's making my life miserable.
Elmer has 1,001 reasons for me not to take the trip, none of which are valid.
What can I do to make him see that there are plenty of couples who sometimes take separate trips? He says if I love him, I won't go without him. He didn't give me this hard a time when I changed religions. -- NEEDS ADVICE IN MARYLAND
DEAR NEEDS: Since I don't know Elmer, it's hard to say what you can do to reassure him. He may be afraid that you will get in over your head -- literally. Or he may feel insecure about the relationship he has with you since you are not married.
However, in life we must all follow our own spiritual paths. We must also prioritize our wishes in the order of their importance. If swimming with the dolphins is more important to you than Elmer, then you will have to dive in, even if it means swimming through the rest of your life without him.
Girlfriend's Critical Remarks Could Close Couple's Show
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have been a couple for almost two years and have been living together for two months. We rented a house so it would be "our" home, and neither of us would feel that we had moved in on the other.
At first, we split all the chores. She likes to cook, I like to clean; she did the laundry, I did the yardwork. Now she doesn't do anything at all! I find myself doing all the laundry, cooking, etc., which to tell you the truth, I don't really mind. What I DO mind is her constant complaints about the way I do things.
She implies that I am incompetent, yet she won't lift a finger. In the morning before work, if I am busy doing chores and paying bills, she complains that I'm not spending enough time with her. But when I stop, she only wants to watch TV. When I try to talk to her about it, she yells and storms off.
Is it possible to fall out of love with someone over things like this? Or am I just disillusioned? When I look at her, I don't feel that twinge of excitement anymore. -- EXHAUSTED AND FRUSTRATED
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Yes, it is indeed possible to fall out of love with someone who is lazy, hypercritical and impossible to please. Consider yourself fortunate to have seen this side of your girlfriend before it was too late. Frankly, you deserve better -- so don't look back.
DEAR ABBY: Before I married my husband, I had, shall we say, a "colorful past." None of those encounters gave me much satisfaction. I was up front about it with my husband before we married. He asked how many and I told him.
Last night, I made an off-the-cuff remark that he took the wrong way. He told me later that it reminded him of my past. He felt I was bragging about it and throwing it in his face. He told me that after he learned how experienced I was, he had almost broken up with me.
Abby, I have explained to him repeatedly that the only relationship that has ever given me any pleasure has been with him. I have told him over and over how much I love him and need him. But this hurts. How do I help him get over my past? -- HURTING IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR HURTING: Men who ask the question are often insecure. An emotionally mature man would have respected your privacy and not pushed. The next time he brings up your past, suggest to him that it is healthier and more fruitful to live in the present. Assure him that you love him only and offer to go to counseling together until he has talked it out. The rest is up to him.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law gave my daughter a beautiful antique desk a few months ago. I was there at the time, and both of us thanked her for the generous gift.
My mother says I was rude for not sending a thank-you card for the gift.
What is the proper etiquette when someone receives a gift and thanks the giver in person? Is an additional written thank-you card called for? -- CONCERNING MANNERS
DEAR CONCERNING: In addition to thanking the giver in person, a handwritten note is the proper way to show gratitude for a gift. It doesn't have to be long and flowery -- only heartfelt. However, the person who receives the gift should write the note -- and that's your daughter, not you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Jokes About Wife's Mother Aren't Getting Laughs
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Mel" for 15 years. When Mel's mother became ill with tongue cancer and could no longer speak, we moved her in with us so I could care for her. (I am physically disabled from a job injury and no longer work outside the home.) Mel's mother survived only one more year, but Mel says I did a great job while she was here.
I am now caring for my own mother, who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia. The problem is, Mel constantly makes snide, hateful, sarcastic remarks about her condition. Then he laughs like it's funny.
I have tried to explain that these statements are destroying my love for him. When I tell him, he stops for a day or two and then starts in again. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like walking out and never looking back. I want a divorce so bad I could scream.
Why is he doing this? It's not a laughing matter. Please help. -- READY TO LEAVE IN FORT WORTH
DEAR READY TO LEAVE: Why is he doing it? It could be ignorance about mental illness. It could also be selfishness, anger, frustration at having to share your attention -- or maybe he's just childish and mean. Whatever the reason, before you give up the ghost, please consider a caregiver support group and marriage counseling. If he refuses to go with you, you will still gain insight if you go without him.
I consider you to be an unsung hero for what you are doing. You can locate a caregiver support group by contacting the National Family Caregivers Association at (800) 896-3650 or www.nfcacares.org. Do it today.
DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old daughter is in the sixth grade. She is well-liked and has a lot of friends.
We can't afford gifts for all the birthday parties to which she is invited. I let her go to some, but we can barely pay our bills some months.
When I try to explain why she can't go, she gets upset. I've asked her not to say anything about our money troubles, but she says she can't lie to her friends about why she's not allowed to go to all the parties.
Abby, have you any suggestions on how I can handle this situation when it comes up again? -- INVITED BUT CAN'T ALWAYS GO
DEAR INVITED: Please rethink your stance on this. Having money troubles is not a sign of bad character or a social disease, so please stop trying to sweep it under the rug. Gifts do not have to be expensive to be thoughtful. If your finances are tight, and you can't come up with a gift -- even from a discount store -- explain the fact to the mother of the birthday child. Perhaps your daughter could create a gift for her friend.
DEAR ABBY: A former co-worker recently married for the third time. She remarried her first husband. The wedding was small and many of us received only announcements.
Are we obliged to send gifts? Some of us didn't know how to respond to "just an announcement." -- WONDERING
DEAR WONDERING: There is no obligation to send a gift. However, a congratulatory card or a small token gift to show your support would be a lovely gesture.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)