For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Destroying Family Diaries Closes Window to the Past
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter about the man who read his deceased wife's diaries, written prior to their marriage, when she was a teenager. He had been unaware that she had dated many men, including one of his best friends, and that she had hoped to marry another man.
The man's daughter urged diarists to destroy writings not meant to be read by survivors.
As an archivist, whose job it is to preserve history for generations to come, I would strongly caution against destroying material. Diaries are few and far between today, and offer glimpses into the past. While that family may have had a bad experience, most people treasure diaries as an intimate connection with someone no longer present.
That man -- angry at what he didn't know -- sounds like a grieving widower who would rather be angry with his deceased wife than face his sadness at losing her. We all cope with death differently, and this might be the most comforting way for him to deal with his loss. If he is truly holding her teenage years against her, then whether it lasted 62 years or not, it couldn't have been much of a marriage. I don't think that is the case, however. His daughter should be ready to help him through his grief. He will come around when he's ready. -- STACEY C. PEEPLES, RIVERSIDE, N.J.
DEAR STACEY: It did not occur to me that diaries could be of historical significance. However, if someone is writing sensitive information in a diary or a journal, instructions should be left that those documents remain sealed until anyone who could be hurt by the contents has also passed on. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: To "Sad in Pennsylvania," whose 85-year-old father was distressed to find his wife's teenage diaries after her death (and others who might be in a similar situation), I want to say, "Please don't destroy these diaries -- or other writings -- after the person dies." I am the deeply grateful owner of my great-grandmother's diary, begun in 1855. It has given me profound insight into American history, human psychology and my own ancestry. A vital part of my life would be missing if someone had destroyed that book. -- SABRA IN L.A.
DEAR SABRA: You inherited a treasure. I can only imagine the changes that occurred during your great-grandmother's lifetime. When my own dear grandmother, Rose Phillips, died at the age of 103 in October 2002, our family realized that over the span of her lifetime she had seen the rise of the automobile, the birth of commercial air travel, Prohibition, women's suffrage, the Roaring '20s, the Great Depression, two World Wars, the discovery of penicillin, man on the moon, the invention of the microwave oven, the fax machine, the computer, the Internet, the cell phone and the birth control pill.
Oh, if only she had kept a diary!
DEAR ABBY: That daughter said her dad is upset after 62 years of a "full and happy marriage." That man should be feeling on top of the world. He was the one her mother selected to be her soul mate -- and nothing that happened before matters. -- HAPPY HUSBAND, ORLANDO, FLA.
DEAR H.H.: I agree.
Teen Who's Ready for Sex Isn't Ready to Talk to Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and dating a guy I'll call Ted. Ted has had sex, but I have not. He says he'll wait until I'm ready. Well, I'm ready! It's just that I promised my mother I would wait, and she knows everything I do. I can't keep this from her, but I'm afraid to tell her. What should I do? -- AFRAID TO TELL MOTHER
DEAR AFRAID: Continue to abstain. If you think you are mature enough to have sex, you should be adult enough to talk to your mother about it. You should also become fully informed about STDs. Call the Centers for Disease Control's National STD toll-free hotline, (800) 227-8922, or visit the American Social Health Association's special Web site for teens at www.iwannaknow.org.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in my booklet "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
The most difficult word to say in the English language is also one of the shortest. It's "no." Yet the inability to say that one simple word can complicate your life in ways you can't imagine, particularly when it comes to sex. So, I repeat -- talk to your mother.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school. Until recently no guy I've ever liked has been interested in me. One guy I've liked for a few years -- "Marty" -- finally asked me for a date. It's a problem because my friend "Lori" has liked him a lot longer than I have.
Lori doesn't know it, but Marty told my other friend that even though they've hung out together a few times, he's not interested in her. Lori thinks I'm stealing Marty from her, but I'm not. I don't feel I'm stealing anybody, and I'm so excited. Am I wrong for wanting to go?
I think Lori is blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Does she have the right to be jealous? Shouldn't she be happy for me? I wasn't jealous when she hung out with him -- I supported her. But somehow, I can't help thinking I've betrayed her.
Abby, am I a horrible friend? -- CONFUSED IN OREGON
DEAR CONFUSED: No, but as it stands, you are an ex-friend. I hope he's worth it.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Justin," and I have been together for a little more than a year. We both work two jobs to support ourselves and make ends meet. I have student loans to pay off and so does Justin.
Abby, my birth control costs me $30 every three months, and sometimes it's difficult to find the extra money to pay for it. We have both agreed that having children right now would not be in our best interests.
Would it be too crass to ask Justin to help pay the cost? -- WONDERING IN VERMONT
DEAR WONDERING: Crass? Not at all. Since the birth control is benefiting both of you, he should share the cost. Put it this way: Tell him it's time to pony up because of economic hardship. From my perspective, he's been getting a free ride for too long.
P.S. Planned Parenthood can provide you and your boyfriend with affordable birth control. To locate your nearest Planned Parenthood office, call toll-free (800) 230-7526, or log on to www.plannedparenthood.org.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Left Holding Rings Can Consign or Sell to Jeweler
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a man in Chicago who had broken his engagement. He asked how to dispose of the rings because it was "no longer possible to return them to the jeweler, and a pawnshop would never give (him) their full value." You advised him to get a written appraisal and donate the rings to charity.
I have been a jeweler for 20 years, and I disagree. If that young man needs the money instead of a tax write-off, there are jewelers who will take items on consignment.
Another idea is to run an ad in the classified section of the local newspaper. Before he places the ad, the man should contact a local jeweler, make an appointment to have a written appraisal done, and ask the jeweler if -- for a commission -- he can meet the prospective buyer in the store. This adds credibility to the ring that is being sold, and it is the only safe way to resell jewelry to the public.
Jewelers spend thousands of dollars to get people inside their doors; this would be two more prospective customers for the jeweler. That is why most independent jewelers wouldn't mind accommodating the young man.
If all else fails, and he's stuck with the rings, I have two other suggestions:
1. Get a safe-deposit box and keep them there. They will not lose value.
2. Melt down the bands and engagement ring and have a wonderful Mother's Day gift created. She would appreciate it more than anyone. -- JEWELER IN THE SOUTH, DAPHNE, ALA.
DEAR SOUTHERN JEWELER: Thank you for your input. I learn from my readers every day. By the way, you aren't the only jeweler who offered suggestions. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice about donating the rings to charity isn't the only choice that young man has.
My husband is a custom jeweler. Women come into his store all the time wanting "divorce rings." They bring their old wedding rings, have them melted down and have a different one created. That young man could do the same thing for himself or for someone else important in his life. -- JEWELER'S WIFE, CARRIZOZO, N.M.
DEAR WIFE: Hmmm ... a divorce ring? If the person doesn't mind being reminded of an unhappy chapter in life, I suppose that would work.
DEAR ABBY: Set the record straight and send that young man back to the jeweler! I have been buying estate jewelry for more than 25 years. In my experience, there are four ways to liquidate a diamond ring: (1) sell to a jeweler; (2) consign to a jewelry store; (3) sell through auction; (4) donate to a charity.
Consignment is usually the best choice because you can determine a fair price in advance and the jeweler doesn't have to front the money to buy it. Donating is harder because most charities are geared toward receiving money rather than merchandise.
Above all, remember the two "don'ts": Don't sell to someone you know -- and don't run an ad, because it could be dangerous. -- HANK FRIEDMAN, MARIN COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR HANK: Thank you for the helpful suggestions -- and thank you, too, for the warning.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)