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PARENTS GRAPPLE WITH PROMISE TO LET DAUGHTER GET PIERCED
DEAR ABBY: Our otherwise responsible 15-year-old daughter, "Marie," is upset with her father and me because we won't allow her to have her belly button pierced. She's a good kid, and we originally told her she could get it pierced if she improved her grades. However, after thinking it over, we changed our minds and told her so.
Marie couldn't believe we'd changed our minds. She worked hard and brought her grades up to A's and B's. Now she is in tears because we won't let her have the piercing.
At what age do you and your readers consider belly button piercing appropriate? -- UPSET IN COLLEGEVILLE, PA.
DEAR UPSET: I see navel piercing as a fad that has gone mainstream. Discuss it with your family physician or a dermatologist to determine what the risks are. Be sure your daughter is present so she is aware of them, too. (As long as the procedure is done hygienically, it shouldn't cause any damage.) And in the future, I advise you to think carefully before making any more promises to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I am getting married in August. My best friend, "Judy," is my maid of honor. My problem is she expects me to invite her fiance, "Joe," to the wedding.
While I love Judy dearly, I do not care for her fiance. When they are together, they keep to themselves and barely interact with other people.
I'm afraid if I invite Joe to my wedding, she'll spend most of her time with him. He has never done anything to make me dislike him, but I've never had a good feeling about him since the day I met him. I want to keep my friend happy, but I also want to have the wedding of my dreams. I'm worried if I invite Joe it will put a damper on my day, and if I don't invite him, Judy will be hurt. Is it OK not to invite him? -- BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: No, it's not OK. To exclude your friend's fiance would be selfish and a breach of etiquette. They are officially a couple, and besides, on your wedding day you will be so busy with your guests and your new husband that you won't have time to dwell on the amount of attention you'll be receiving from your maid of honor.
DEAR ABBY: I enjoy the letters you print about acts of kindness. I am a 63-year-old woman with physical disabilities. While walking out of the grocery store, I slipped on some ice and fell. Abby, four people walked right past me without even offering to help. A Muslim family walked by, and the husband put his groceries down and helped me up. He then carried my groceries while his wife and son helped me to my car. After that, they followed my car to my house to make sure I arrived safely. Their son helped me unload the groceries and get them into my kitchen.
In all the chaos, I didn't even get their names. Please, Abby, let them know how grateful I am. So many ugly things have been said about Muslims since Sept. 11. Their kindness and concern reminded me that there are many good people out there, and we should not forget that. -- GRATEFUL IN ST. PAUL
DEAR GRATEFUL: You're right. We shouldn't. Kindness and consideration for others aren't virtues confined by borders, nor are they restricted to one religion. Thank you for pointing it out.
Boyfriend's Dating Profile Artfully Dodges the Truth
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend has posted his profile on a dating Web site in the hope of finding some new friends. I am frequently out of town on business, and he has decided that he would like to converse with "artsy" people during the week while I am away. He claims this Web site is the only way to meet like-minded people.
While I don't mind his wanting to meet people, I feel that using a dating Web site is inappropriate. I read his profile; in it he indicates that he is "single." (He promises he will tell the woman he meets that he is not single "when and if the topic comes up.")
I think it's wrong to meet people based on a lie. He swears he would never cheat on me. How can I convince him that this is a form of cheating and that it's disrespectful to me? -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you can't see that your boyfriend is "fishing," then you are angling for trouble. Since he has shown that he is willing to misrepresent himself to the women he meets on the Web site, what makes you think he would hesitate to lie to you? If I were you, I'd find another boyfriend. This one is setting you up for a whale of a heartbreak.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my stepdaughter got married and asked my daughter to be in her wedding. The wedding was in North Carolina and we live in Pennsylvania. Since my daughter couldn't travel there to be fitted for her gown, it was shipped to us. We asked if we could go to a national chain store and get the same gown here to make sure the size was right. The bride refused.
When the gown arrived, it was the wrong size. We had to pay for the extensive alterations, as well as the gown.
Now my other stepdaughter is getting married, and she wants my daughter in her wedding. If the gown she selects doesn't fit, would it be wrong to ask that the alterations be paid for by the bride? She knows the trouble we had with the last gown, but insists on picking out the gown at a store in her area. Help! -- RE-FIT TO BE TIED
DEAR RE-FIT: You're all family. As long as the dress is identical, it shouldn't matter where the garment is purchased. However, if she insists on ordering a gown from a store in her area, she should be prepared to pay for the alterations.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I won seats at two dinner parties that were auctioned off by our church. Last night we attended the first one, and I brought a small housewarming gift because our hosts had recently moved into a new home.
The second dinner party is coming up soon, and we are wondering if we should bring a small hostess gift even though we paid for the dinner. The church received all the money from the auction. Our hosts are donating the food, labor, and the use of their home.
Our instincts say we should bring a gift because it seems like the polite thing to do, but my husband and I are not sure. -- YOUNG AND UNSURE ABOUT ETIQUETTE
DEAR UNSURE: You may be young, but your instincts are correct. To bring a small hostess gift with you would be a lovely, thoughtful gesture. Bon appetit!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Moocher Wears Out Welcome by Criticizing the Handouts
DEAR ABBY: My husband's friend, "Kevin," has been coming to our house once a week for the past eight years. He is always broke and looking for a handout, even though he has a full-time job.
In the beginning, I tried to help him by inviting him to stay for dinner once in a while. Now he has started to complain: The steak isn't cooked the way he likes it, or I don't toss the salad the way his mom does. (By the way, Kevin is 35 and still lives at home.) The reason he always needs money is that he spends every paycheck on drugs.
I recently gave birth to my first child and I don't want him to be around someone like Kevin, but my husband refuses to stop his friend from coming to our house. How can I -- politely -- get this moocher out of my home without causing trouble between my husband and myself? -- NEW MOM
DEAR NEW MOM: That's easy. Stop feeding that moocher steak, go vegetarian, and toss the salads YOUR way. I predict he'll be out of your hair as soon as the gravy train stops rolling.
P.S. You don't mention what kind of drugs this man is addicted to, but he should not be around your baby while he is under the influence. If your husband continues to object, explain to him that it could be considered child endangerment.
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter was molested by her half-brother for almost a year before she found the courage to tell us.
When we found out, we did everything we could to help her overcome this. We even moved out of state to give her a fresh start.
The trouble is, her half-brother has contacted my husband again. He wants to visit us. I do not want him in this house -- and my daughter feels the same way. Some family members say I am denying my husband a relationship with his son. I'm not trying to keep them apart; I'm trying to protect my daughter. I have reached the point that I will leave and take my kids with me before I'll expose them to this again. Am I wrong? -- STRONGLY AGAINST VISIT
DEAR STRONGLY: No, you are not wrong. You are a concerned and protective mother, and your first obligation is to protect your daughter from her predator. Tell the "family members" that your husband can visit his son, but not vice versa. And make no apologies.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are anticipating the arrival of our first child in two months. We have registered at a local store for the items we will need.
A close friend has graciously offered to give me a baby shower, but she refuses to add where we are registered to the invitation. She says it's poor etiquette.
Isn't the whole point of a baby shower to receive gifts? Is pointing people in the right direction so wrong?
The invitations go out in less than a week. Help, ASAP! -- BAFFLED IN ORANGE, CA.
DEAR BAFFLED: Sorry, but I agree with your friend. While it is understood that showers are all about getting gifts, a more refined way to get the message across is for the hostess to verbally communicate where the guest of honor is registered at the time the invitees RSVP.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)