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ROLLER-COASTER ROMANCE IS MAKING BOYFRIEND QUEASY
DEAR ABBY: I need help dealing with my ex-girlfriend, "Ashley." We were together off and on for 2 1/2 years and lived together for a year. It was a new experience for both of us.
About a year into our relationship, Ashley decided she wasn't sure that what we had was what she wanted anymore. I was OK with it. We split up for four or five months, and then we started talking and decided to try again. About three months later, she did the same thing.
It has now been another three months, and supposedly she has a new boyfriend, but she's calling me. I love her and would do anything for her, but I just don't know what to do anymore. My romance with Ashley has caused a lot of arguments between me and my parents. Any advice would help. -- HURTING IN PASADENA
DEAR HURTING: Ashley appears to be too immature and indecisive for a serious commitment to anyone -- her current boyfriend included. If it's love you're looking for, she isn't the girl who can provide it. The best advice I can offer is to admire her from a safe distance. She's a heartbreaker.
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband, "Ron," for 12 years. We have always gotten along well except for one thing. He smokes pot -- a lot of it. He says he will never stop. I am against pot smoking, but I've tolerated it for his sake.
My daughter, "Erica," just turned 15 and has become involved with a bad crowd. I recently found out she has been smoking pot with Ron. Ron says he'd rather Erica do it at home instead of on the streets.
Now, if Ron and I have even the smallest disagreement, Erica will automatically take his side. The two of them have their own bond and inside jokes; I feel like an outsider. I would take Erica and leave my husband, but I'm not financially able.
How can I make Ron realize it is unacceptable -- that he should be a role model instead of a friend? I really feel like I am going crazy. Any ideas? -- UNCOOL MOM
DEAR UNCOOL MOM: Rather than behave like a responsible parent, your husband has become your daughter's enabler. I urge you to draw the line. Tell him that you want the house to be "clean" by tomorrow. If it's not, let him know you'll be calling the police to report him for supplying drugs to a minor. Then do it. Let him explain his off-the-wall philosophy to them. And for your daughter's sake, recognize that it's time you started job-hunting. You may need to support the two of you in the near future.
DEAR ABBY: I attended a wine testing a few weeks ago where a guest accidentally broke a wine glass. The hostess didn't seem concerned that he might be injured, but she did get upset that the glass was broken.
Before he left, the guest offered to pay for the broken wine glass and the hostess accepted, saying that he owed her $16. He produced a $20 bill, which she pocketed without offering change -- and later bragged to me that she had made money on the deal. I thought her behavior was inappropriate.
She recently confided that she's going to buy a crate of 99-cent glasses and charge $5 apiece if any of them are broken. What do you think of this? -- APPALLED IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR APPALLED: The hostess appears to be ethically challenged. If she'd cheat her guests on the wine glass, how can one be sure she's pouring the vintage she claims to be? Frankly, I think she's popped her cork, and if I were you, I'd skip her soirees.
Man's Perfect Pedigree Is Marred by Table Manners
DEAR ABBY: I've been seeing "Matt," a 31-year-old investment banker, for a couple of months. He's caring, kind, intelligent and successful -- a wonderful person. After prep school, he went to an Ivy League college. All things considered, he is everything I have been looking for in a mate.
Then we went out to dinner and I watched him eat. Abby, Matt has the worst table manners I have ever seen. He holds his fork like a caveman and slurps his food.
My parents and grandparents taught me proper etiquette. I was brought up to believe that the way you conduct yourself, especially at the table, is a reflection of your upbringing.
Call me shallow, but Matt's bad table manners are close to being a deal-breaker for me. I don't know what to do. Frankly, I don't want to be the one to teach him table manners. Should I con him into an etiquette class -- or is that too sneaky? -- DATING A CAVEMAN
DEAR DATING: Con him? Speak up and tell this man exactly what you have told me! You'll be doing him a tremendous favor. People are judged in business -- as they are socially -- by the manners they do (or do not) display. Better he should hear it from you. And if you locate an etiquette class, offer to attend with him. Don't sacrifice an otherwise perfect relationship over a flaw that is fixable.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 11 years. My father passed away this past December. Because of this, my mother, who lives next door, has been sleeping at our house at night. This is causing my husband to become resentful. He says he no longer has any privacy.
Mother helps out by taking the kids to and from school every day. She would like to start staying at her own house at night again, but it is still difficult for her. What should I do? -- LOST DAD, MAY LOSE HUSBAND
DEAR LOST: Encourage your mother to start sleeping at home. Ease the transition by having your older children sleep at her house for a few weeks. If she's still afraid to sleep alone, suggest she adopt a pet. The sooner she asserts her independence, the better she will feel. You'll be doing both your mother and your husband a favor.
DEAR ABBY: Lately, my aunt, "Brenda," has been overly strict with my cousin, "Emily." She won't let Emily talk on the phone, go to movies -- you get the idea. Once, because Emily lost the padlock for her gym locker, she was grounded for three weeks, lost her phone and computer privileges, and had to take all of her pictures out of her locker.
My family knows this is wrong, but everyone's afraid to say anything. Is there anything I can do to help Emily? -- CONCERNED COUSIN IN WISCONSIN
DEAR CONCERNED COUSIN: The punishment should fit the crime, and it appears that Emily's mother has gone way overboard. The problem with trying to keep a child a virtual prisoner is that most of them will rebel sooner or later. It would be a kindness if you would ask the other adults in your family to speak to your Aunt Brenda. She needs to learn more effective parenting techniques.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS:
"May the most you wish for be the least you get.
"May the best times you've ever had be the worst you will ever see."
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
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Classmates Lower the Boom on Girl Who Has Lofty Goal
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl in the eighth grade. For my Health and Human Services class, I had to do an oral report about my future career.
I have wanted to be president of the United States since fifth grade. But when I said that, my teacher laughed at me. He told me I had very little chance of making it, although he didn't say why.
Then, "Jim," another student, started laughing hysterically and said girls aren't allowed to be president. I said, "Yeah, and I'll bet the idiots who came up with that idea were guys!" I was so upset I ran out of the room.
Now, a group of kids at school have started calling me names and spreading rumors about me. Jim even tripped me and made me bite my lip. I try to ignore them, but it's hard. They keep laughing at me, and my teacher is no help. I am losing sleep and feel horrible.
Abby, I didn't realize so much trouble could come out of revealing a dream. It's not like I am not ambitious enough. I'm in the National Junior Honor Society and my poetry has been published in the paper more than once.
I have tried talking to the guidance counselors, but they have done nothing. And when I mention my career ambition to my family, all I get from them is, "That's nice, dear."
Please respond, Abby. My dream is turning into a nightmare. -- I HAVE A DREAM
DEAR I HAVE A DREAM: Please clip this and show it to your male chauvinist teacher. Because a woman has never been president of the United States does not mean that it will never happen. Fifty years ago there was a saying, "A woman's place is in the home." Today, more women work outside the home than in it. And this year, for the first time, there were more female applicants to medical schools than male.
Please don't let your classmates get you down. If necessary, ask your parents to get involved to stop the harassment. The people who imply that you cannot fulfill your dreams are wrong. I expect to see a woman be elected president in my lifetime -- and who's to say it won't be you? Certainly not this columnist!
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my boyfriend for two years. He has two boys, 7 and 9. He has been divorced from his wife for six years. We do not live together, but we would like to share the same bed when I stay overnight.
My boyfriend's 9-year-old son won't allow it. He either tries to get into the bed with my boyfriend or makes comments that he doesn't want us to sleep together. This is trying my patience.
I have tried to be understanding. Am I wrong to be frustrated with the situation? My boyfriend wants to sleep with me, too, but doesn't talk to his son about it; he just gives in. -- BUMMED IN BEVERLY, MASS.
DEAR BUMMED: Call me old-fashioned, but if you're looking for sympathy from me, you've come to the wrong place. What adults do in private is their own business. But I don't think unmarried adults should sleep together in front of children. It sends the wrong message. Children want to keep their illusions, and I think adults should let them.
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