To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter Refuses to Play Part in Mom's Reconciliation Drama
DEAR ABBY: My mother was unloving and downright cruel to all of her children, but now that we're all over 18, she has suddenly decided she wants to have relationships with us. (I haven't even told her that I've been engaged for two months.) She has caused so much suffering and heartache, but I don't know how to tell her to leave me alone.
She recently showed up at my house. I don't know how she got my address, because I didn't give it to her and I never return her calls. I don't understand how she can act like everything is fine between us and get angry with me for not calling her back.
Mother has never in her life said the word "sorry." I am at a loss as to how to deal with her. -- ANGRY AND CONFUSED IN PHOENIX
DEAR ANGRY: I have heard from readers who cut themselves off from their parents after abusive childhoods and later regretted that there was no closure. I have also heard from people who did it and have no regrets about it at all.
If you feel that any aspect of your relationship with her is salvageable, consider trying to heal the relationship. However, if that is not possible, tell her plainly that you want to be left alone, and if she doesn't cooperate, you will be forced to get a restraining order. Then do it.
DEAR ABBY: My niece, "Debra," had her breasts enlarged before she was even 20, and she dresses to draw attention to them. She's so proud that she pushes them out even further, which makes her posture appear abnormal.
We are modest people, and we felt especially uncomfortable last summer at a family beach party where she pranced around in a thong!
Now we have a messy situation. Debra has accused a male family member of behaving inappropriately toward her. He denies ever thinking "that way" about her, but admits he couldn't help looking at her breasts "because they were on display all the time."
My sister, Debra's mother, refuses to accept that her daughter is in any way responsible for this mess, and says the man involved is completely at fault. I blame Debra.
Is it fair for a girl to dress seductively and then accuse a male family member of behaving inappropriately? -- MODEST IN COLORADO
DEAR MODEST: Let's stop assigning blame and assess what's really happening. For years, Debra probably felt something was lacking. Since she has had her enhancement surgery, it appears she has been overcompensating. The episode with the thong bikini at the family beach party is an example of a girl who once felt invisible and is now flaunting her assets.
However, when someone prominently puts something on display, it's unrealistic to expect viewers to wear blinders or look away. Debra can't have it both ways.
DEAR ABBY: My neighbor runs a licensed day-care center in her home. She does a good job and has lots of children in her care. Some of the children are the same ages as my kids, and they often spend an afternoon or a whole day playing at my house. Should I be concerned about being responsible for her "clients" when she is paid to take care of them? Is there a liability issue that I need to confront? It's an awkward situation for me, and I'd like to hear your thoughts. -- LIABLE IN SYRACUSE
DEAR LIABLE: To heck with my "thoughts." Contact your insurance agent TODAY. If a child is injured on your property, there is definitely a liability issue!
Woman Looks Toward Future and Leaves Abuse in the Past
DEAR ABBY: From the time I was 2 until I was 13, I was abused by five different family members -- including my own father. At the age of 13, my parents terminated their parental rights, giving the state permanent custody of me. I lived in foster care until I turned 18.
When the caseworkers first evaluated me, it was expected that I would succumb to the statistics -- become a welfare mother, a drop-out, etc. I fooled them all and graduated from high school. Later on, I tried to reconnect with my real family, only to discover the chaotic environment my caseworkers had recognized. The saying "Age makes you wiser" is true.
I wish I could say that life has been a piece of cake, but the truth is, it has been difficult. Abuse has long-term side effects that can take a lifetime to overcome, especially the rejection by a parent who sided with the abuser. Had it not been for my faith in God and the encouragement of good people in my life, I would not be living the normal life I've always dreamed of.
Among the things I always wanted was a loving, caring family. It turns out that my friends are just that. I also wanted a loving husband. As I acknowledged -- and later overcame -- the deep emotional scars left by the abuse, and with the help of caring friends, I experienced a drastic turnaround. I met and married the man of my dreams, and my in-laws are some of the nicest people I've ever known. It's like I'm growing up all over again.
I have lived a whole lifetime in this short period. I realize now that my past doesn't have to determine my future. -- ALBUQUERQUE SURVIVOR
DEAR SURVIVOR: I congratulate you for overcoming the odds and creating the life you dreamed of. Instead of letting the past define you, you learned a valuable lesson: You cannot re-create the past. Concentrate on making the present the best it can be, and the future will take care of itself.
DEAR ABBY: Six weeks ago, I co-hosted a baby shower for a friend I'll call Angela. Her mother agreed to split the cost and I put everything on my credit card. I ended up spending more than $1,200 for food, flowers, cake, decorations, favors, etc.
I have yet to receive one dime from Angela's mother. Had I known I would end up bearing the entire cost, I would never have spent so freely.
I feel awkward "demanding" the money. Angela and I have been friends since grammar school, and I don't want to put a strain on our special relationship -- especially since she's due to deliver twins any day now. What should I do? Please advise. -- FINANCIALLY STRAINED IN PORTLAND
DEAR STRAINED: Have you sent Angela's mother an itemized accounting of what she owes? If you have and she hasn't responded, then you now know that she is irresponsible and unreliable. She should have settled with you long ago -- without prompting. For the sake of your long-time friendship with Angela, however, be prepared to write it off as tuition in the school of experience.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN'S RECURRING TWO-YEAR ITCH LEAVES WIFE SHORT OF SCRATCH
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old mother of three. I have been married to their father, "Carl," for eight years.
Every two years, Carl decides he no longer wants to be a family man and packs up and leaves. When he goes, he leaves me destitute. I am a stay-at-home mom with only a high school degree.
Carl feels he should have to give us money only after his own needs and wants have been taken care of, and then only the amount he chooses. The most he will dole out is $50 to $100 at a time.
This time when he left, I warned him I'd file for child support. We were on speaking terms, and he said he loved me and wanted us to reunite. That was until he was served with the support papers. Now he refuses to return my calls until I drop the suit. I love Carl, but I can't let him withhold support from our children. He has a good job, so there is no reason for this.
Am I unreasonable? Should I drop the suit? I want our family back together, but I'm afraid he'll leave again. What should I do? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN TEXAS
DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: For the sake of your children, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed. Take your cues from your lawyer. Once a fair amount of child support has been established in a court of law or by mediation, offer Carl the option of marriage counseling. If he's sincere about wanting to reconcile, he will agree.
If he returns, I urge you to use that opportunity to go back to school and prepare yourself to be financially independent. I have said this many times before: No one's future is guaranteed. If something should happen to your husband, you may need to be the breadwinner. So be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I lost my mother to cancer. I am still trying to comfort myself. My four children were close to their grandmother, especially my 6-year-old daughter, "Vicki."
Vicki comes to me crying and says she misses Grandma. When she does, I comfort her as best I can, but it's hard because I haven't let go and allowed myself to have a really good cry.
Is it OK for Vicki to see me cry? I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I start. And if that happens, how can I comfort my daughter?
Every week, I take fresh flowers to the cemetery. Vicki always wants to go with me, but I've taken her only twice. Do you think it might help her to go with me? I'm worried that taking her to the cemetery will only reopen the wound of losing her grandma. -- WANTING TO GRIEVE
DEAR WANTING: You have my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. I am concerned that you do not have an outlet for your grief. Please consult your doctor or clergyperson about locating a grief support group to help you through this difficult time.
I see nothing wrong with allowing your daughter to occasionally accompany you to the cemetery. It will teach her that although her grandmother is gone, she is not forgotten. I also see nothing wrong with her seeing you cry. However, if you think you might lose control and be unable to stop, don't do it, because it would frighten her.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)