Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN'S RECURRING TWO-YEAR ITCH LEAVES WIFE SHORT OF SCRATCH
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old mother of three. I have been married to their father, "Carl," for eight years.
Every two years, Carl decides he no longer wants to be a family man and packs up and leaves. When he goes, he leaves me destitute. I am a stay-at-home mom with only a high school degree.
Carl feels he should have to give us money only after his own needs and wants have been taken care of, and then only the amount he chooses. The most he will dole out is $50 to $100 at a time.
This time when he left, I warned him I'd file for child support. We were on speaking terms, and he said he loved me and wanted us to reunite. That was until he was served with the support papers. Now he refuses to return my calls until I drop the suit. I love Carl, but I can't let him withhold support from our children. He has a good job, so there is no reason for this.
Am I unreasonable? Should I drop the suit? I want our family back together, but I'm afraid he'll leave again. What should I do? -- NEEDS SUPPORT IN TEXAS
DEAR NEEDS SUPPORT: For the sake of your children, do not allow yourself to be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed. Take your cues from your lawyer. Once a fair amount of child support has been established in a court of law or by mediation, offer Carl the option of marriage counseling. If he's sincere about wanting to reconcile, he will agree.
If he returns, I urge you to use that opportunity to go back to school and prepare yourself to be financially independent. I have said this many times before: No one's future is guaranteed. If something should happen to your husband, you may need to be the breadwinner. So be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: Several months ago I lost my mother to cancer. I am still trying to comfort myself. My four children were close to their grandmother, especially my 6-year-old daughter, "Vicki."
Vicki comes to me crying and says she misses Grandma. When she does, I comfort her as best I can, but it's hard because I haven't let go and allowed myself to have a really good cry.
Is it OK for Vicki to see me cry? I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I start. And if that happens, how can I comfort my daughter?
Every week, I take fresh flowers to the cemetery. Vicki always wants to go with me, but I've taken her only twice. Do you think it might help her to go with me? I'm worried that taking her to the cemetery will only reopen the wound of losing her grandma. -- WANTING TO GRIEVE
DEAR WANTING: You have my sympathy for the loss of your dear mother. I am concerned that you do not have an outlet for your grief. Please consult your doctor or clergyperson about locating a grief support group to help you through this difficult time.
I see nothing wrong with allowing your daughter to occasionally accompany you to the cemetery. It will teach her that although her grandmother is gone, she is not forgotten. I also see nothing wrong with her seeing you cry. However, if you think you might lose control and be unable to stop, don't do it, because it would frighten her.
REGULAR REASSESSMENT HELPS PATIENTS IN THERAPY SUCCEED
DEAR ABBY: A reader asked how a person can tell if psychiatry is "working." We would like to offer some suggestions.
The patient or client should have a specific plan for recovery. The therapist -- a clinical social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, or marriage and family therapist -- should teach coping skills so the person can assemble a "coping toolbox." Patients should expect to do behavioral homework between counseling sessions.
Sometimes medication is needed; often it is not. Most uncomplicated depression and anxiety problems respond favorably within 10 to 20 sessions. Additional complicating factors may extend the number of sessions, but by the 20th session the person should see definite improvement.
Just "talking about" problems is helpful, but not usually enough to make and maintain changes. It is also not generally helpful to focus ONLY on the past/childhood when the problems are occurring today. Therapists and clients can be sure that goals are being met by assessing behavior and emotional changes at regular intervals.
We hope this information is helpful. -- ERIK J. ABELL, PH.D., GAIL SIMPSON, MSW, LCSW, COSTA MESA, CALIF.
DEAR DR. ABELL AND MS. SIMPSON: Thank you for lending your expertise to answer this often-asked question. People who are emotionally vulnerable are not always in the best position to evaluate their own progress. I'm sure your letter will be appreciated by many readers.
DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old and have been married for four years. I have known since I was a teen-ager that I never wanted to have children. My husband was well aware of this when we met, dated and married.
His sister gave birth to a baby boy last summer, and suddenly my husband has changed his mind and wants children too.
I know I am not parent material. I am impatient with children and generally uncomfortable around them. I do not want my life to be defined by children, nor do I want to give up the lifestyle I enjoy to raise them.
What can I do? Is a divorce pending? -- CHILDLESS BY CHOICE IN FLORIDA
DEAR C.B.C.: While parenthood can be joyful and rewarding, it requires commitment and sacrifice. The bundle from heaven cannot be returned to sender if the recipients change their minds. It would be interesting to see if baby-sitting for his nephew would change your husband's mind -- or yours. However, if you cannot come to a meeting of the minds, a divorce may indeed be on the horizon.
DEAR ABBY: My marriage is pretty much over. My wife and I can't get along, and all the counseling we've had didn't help.
I feel "naked" without my wedding band and am wondering if it is proper for me to wear another ring that has personal sentimental value on my ring finger. I hope this isn't a dumb question. -- TOM IN NEW YORK
DEAR TOM: No question is dumb if it's sincere. You may wear any kind of ring you wish on your ring finger -- but please be aware that a ring on the third finger of the left hand is a signal that the wearer is "unavailable."
P.S. Many divorced people feel naked when they remove their wedding ring for the last time, but that stage usually passes by the time the tan line fades.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Sexual Fantasy Fulfilled Turns Out to Be Nightmare
DEAR ABBY: I have heard many men fantasize about hooking up with a nymphomaniac. Speaking as someone with 20/20 hindsight, I advise any man who meets one to run!
I was married to a woman with that problem, and at first I did think I was in heaven. I didn't learn about the downside until much later.
Every day after I left for work, another man spent the day with my wife. And when I went into the military, she disappeared. I later learned that she was frequenting bars, having encounters with anyone and everyone who would, and contracting multiple STDs in the process. At the time I was very angry at her. I now realize she was driven by an addiction over which she had no control.
So, unless you are prepared to spend every minute of every day with a nymphomaniac, expect to share -- with the world. -- OLDER AND WISER
DEAR OLDER AND WISER: As your letter proves, sometimes there CAN be too much of a good thing. What's the old saying, "Moderation in all things"? It's true.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Kim," is in grade school. She's an only child, and ever since she was little, I have invited kids over so she'd have someone to play with. Most of their parents promise they'll have Kim over for a play-date at their house "soon," but soon never seems to come.
Kim is nice to her classmates and well-behaved in school. Her friends' parents always tell me what a great time their kids have at our house.
Kim never says anything about not being invited to the homes of other children, but I'm starting to feel like a free baby-sitting service.
What should I do the next time a parent says, "Let's get the kids to play together over vacation or the weekend"? -- EVERYONE'S BABY SITTER
DEAR BABY SITTER: Say this: "That's a wonderful idea. Can we do it at your house? I have some things I have to take care of at that time, and your supervising the children would really help me out."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old high school freshman. English is my second language. I was in ESL during junior high school. I not only learned enough English to go into mainstream, but I also have college-prep classes in which I am quite good.
My history teacher told me about a program called "Upward Bound" that holds classes on Saturdays and is very promising. I didn't think my English was good enough, but I applied and was accepted. Now I am afraid to go. I'm worried that people will judge me because of my Colombian accent.
I have received much advice about this issue, but I still need more. Perhaps you will help me. -- WORRIED ABOUT COLOMBIAN ACCENT
DEAR WORRIED: Go to the class! You were accepted, so for heaven's sake, take advantage of the opportunity. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Should anyone be rude enough to comment on your accent, sweetly ask him or her how he or she would do taking classes in YOUR native language.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)