For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sexual Fantasy Fulfilled Turns Out to Be Nightmare
DEAR ABBY: I have heard many men fantasize about hooking up with a nymphomaniac. Speaking as someone with 20/20 hindsight, I advise any man who meets one to run!
I was married to a woman with that problem, and at first I did think I was in heaven. I didn't learn about the downside until much later.
Every day after I left for work, another man spent the day with my wife. And when I went into the military, she disappeared. I later learned that she was frequenting bars, having encounters with anyone and everyone who would, and contracting multiple STDs in the process. At the time I was very angry at her. I now realize she was driven by an addiction over which she had no control.
So, unless you are prepared to spend every minute of every day with a nymphomaniac, expect to share -- with the world. -- OLDER AND WISER
DEAR OLDER AND WISER: As your letter proves, sometimes there CAN be too much of a good thing. What's the old saying, "Moderation in all things"? It's true.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Kim," is in grade school. She's an only child, and ever since she was little, I have invited kids over so she'd have someone to play with. Most of their parents promise they'll have Kim over for a play-date at their house "soon," but soon never seems to come.
Kim is nice to her classmates and well-behaved in school. Her friends' parents always tell me what a great time their kids have at our house.
Kim never says anything about not being invited to the homes of other children, but I'm starting to feel like a free baby-sitting service.
What should I do the next time a parent says, "Let's get the kids to play together over vacation or the weekend"? -- EVERYONE'S BABY SITTER
DEAR BABY SITTER: Say this: "That's a wonderful idea. Can we do it at your house? I have some things I have to take care of at that time, and your supervising the children would really help me out."
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old high school freshman. English is my second language. I was in ESL during junior high school. I not only learned enough English to go into mainstream, but I also have college-prep classes in which I am quite good.
My history teacher told me about a program called "Upward Bound" that holds classes on Saturdays and is very promising. I didn't think my English was good enough, but I applied and was accepted. Now I am afraid to go. I'm worried that people will judge me because of my Colombian accent.
I have received much advice about this issue, but I still need more. Perhaps you will help me. -- WORRIED ABOUT COLOMBIAN ACCENT
DEAR WORRIED: Go to the class! You were accepted, so for heaven's sake, take advantage of the opportunity. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Should anyone be rude enough to comment on your accent, sweetly ask him or her how he or she would do taking classes in YOUR native language.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Shocked," who was surprised when her husband's parents sent her lingerie for her birthday. Many men feel that lingerie is the ultimate turn-on. Her in-laws may have intended to add a little extra romance and provide a pleasant surprise for their son -- a wish he himself may have conveyed.
I speak from experience. My mother-in-law gave me some lingerie for my bridal shower, saying, "I was married once, too, and trust me -- this will make him happy." And it has, three years later. -- SARA IN TEXAS
DEAR SARA: That letter certainly struck a familiar chord with a lot of wives. Let me share some of the comments I received:
DEAR ABBY: For the shocked daughter-in-law who wasn't happy about the peek-a-boo nightie -- that's nothing! I received the same kind of outfit from my mother-in-law at a couples' shower that was held at our Baptist Sunday school teacher's house, in front of a group of young Navy pilots.
And the family wonders why the relationship has always been tense. -- BEEN THERE AND WORSE
DEAR BEEN THERE: Why not make it "past tense" and forgive her the lapse in judgment? The gift may have been well-intended, but her timing was off. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can do her one better. When my mother died years ago, her prayer circle presented me with a gift of underpants. I've never been able to figure that one out. -- MARY IN ASHEVILLE, N.C.
DEAR MARY: It makes one wonder what they were praying for.
DEAR ABBY: You missed a glaring point in the letter from "Shocked," the woman who wasn't sure how to react when her in-laws sent her a sexy negligee and a thong for her birthday (she was embarrassed): They had never sent her a birthday gift before!
Maybe the nightie wasn't a gift but a message. Perhaps the in-laws had heard something that caused them concern, and their gift was an attempt to inject some excitement into a flat relationship. "Shocked" should pause and consider the state of her marriage. After several years of marriage -- especially with children -- it's easy for a husband and wife to take each other for granted and grow apart.
If "Shocked" thinks her love life with her husband is lackluster, she might consider putting that gift to good use. -- KAREN IN FORT WALTON BEACH, FLA.
DEAR KAREN: It's worth considering. However, it did not occur to me that instead of a birthday gift, her in-laws had given her a veiled warning.
DEAR ABBY: That letter brought back such memories for me. When my husband and I were married 40 years ago, my mother-in-law would buy me sexy nighties every year for Christmas and birthdays.
When our first son was born four years later, I began receiving flannel nightgowns from her. Maybe "Shocked's" in-laws are trying to tell her they're ready for grandchildren. -- RITA IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.
DEAR RITA: If they are, they're making a mistake. Besides being inappropriate, that kind of meddling often puts daughters-in-law on the defensive.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Is Outraged by Friend's Bait and Switch Child Care
DEAR ABBY: I am 28 years old and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
Recently, a friend I'll call "Toni" asked if my 5-year-old daughter, "Chris," could stay overnight with her 4-year-old son. I have always said no, but this time Chris wanted so badly to do it that I said yes.
Toni knows how protective I am. She assured me Chris would be safe in her care. So my husband and I went to a movie and dinner. Since we were in the neighborhood, we stopped by around 10 p.m. to check on our daughter. When we arrived, we found Toni had gone to a party and left the children with a teenage baby sitter.
The children were upstairs jumping on the bed and raising Cain. I was horrified that my child had been left with a stranger when my friend had assured me she would be there. We packed up our little girl and left.
Toni called later to find out what happened. I explained my feeling that she should not have left Chris with a stranger without discussing it with me first. She called me paranoid and said I have a mental disorder and that I can't always protect my child.
Abby, I am not asking for advice. I am asking for your opinion so that I can prove a point. I want to open other parents' eyes to the fact that in this day and age we must do whatever is in our power to protect our children -- no matter whose toes we step on. -- PARANOID MOTHER
DEAR PARANOID: I agree that parents must do everything they can to protect their children. However, that is not what your letter is really about. Your friend was wrong to lead you to believe she would be supervising your daughter when that wasn't the case. It was dishonest and unfair, and I don't blame you for taking your child home. I see nothing wrong with parents socializing with other adults and leaving their children with a responsible sitter. But parents should have the right to screen the sitter themselves if they wish.
DEAR ABBY: When my daughter returned to college after Christmas break, my live-in boyfriend, "Ollie," informed me that he considers her to be a "guest" in our home and that she had overstayed her welcome. I feel that since she is still in school and my dependent, my home is her home and she is welcome to spend her breaks with me. My other daughter starts college in the fall, and I don't want her to feel that she, too, is a "guest" when she comes home.
This has been eating at me, Abby. I love Ollie, but there are no "choices" between my children and him. I thought he liked my children. I want to talk to Ollie to find out why he feels this way, and I am prepared to ask him to move out if he is firm about this.
Am I justified in drawing the line? -- HURT AND CONFUSED
DEAR HURT: You certainly are. Because your live-in appears to be both presumptuous and controlling, be glad that he spoke up now. A child coming home for a holiday vacation is hardly a major invasion. Consider very carefully what his attitude will mean for you in years to come. It is your daughters' home as well as yours, and he should not be dictating how long they should stay.
DEAR ABBY: I have two friends who divorced during the past year and now share custody of their children. During a recent argument, they began fighting over who gets to keep the church and the minister. So, Dear Abby, who does get custody of the minister? This is a new one on me. -- THE MINISTER IN QUESTION
DEAR MINISTER: Do not allow yourself to be drawn into something so petty. Both parties should be able to attend your church if they wish; there is usually more than one service on Sunday and separate sections in which to sit if they should happen to show up at the same time.
If they cannot agree to behave like civilized adults, then whichever one joined the church first should remain.
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