To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Threats May Lead to Violence if Boyfriend Is Left Unchecked
DEAR ABBY: I can't stop thinking about the letter from the girl whose boyfriend threatened to kill her parents if she breaks up with him.
When my cousin was 14, her parents forced her to break up with a boy who was too old for her. His solution was to shoot her and himself. She survived but was left a paraplegic.
Your advice to that girl was right on. You advised her to tell her parents immediately. That way, they can take the necessary precautions. The girl should not assume that her own life is safe. Logic has nothing to do with obsession, and that boy is clearly obsessed. -- CONCERNED IN CANTON, GA.
DEAR CONCERNED: When I printed that letter, I thought it was unusual. To my dismay, I have a bushel of mail and e-mail on my desk that proves otherwise. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Anonymous in Fort Myers, Fla." was correct. When I was a teen, my best friend was also dating a controlling guy her parents weren't too sure about. He raped her, but she stayed with him anyway.
When she became pregnant, he beat her almost to death. She lost the baby and very nearly her life. Please let that girl know how important it is for that guy to be out of her and her family's lives. -- LORI IN FORT BELVOIR, VA.
DEAR LORI: You're right. If the young man would threaten the lives of her parents because he wasn't getting his way, it doesn't take a large leap of logic to conclude that at some point, he could turn on her. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Lifelong sufferers of domestic violence often begin that sad journey as teenagers, tolerating violent behavior from boyfriends. The boy in that letter isn't the only one who has mental problems. So does the girl. If her first serious relationship is with a boy as psychotic as that one and her problems are not addressed, she will continue to think that kind of behavior is normal. -- LONGTIME READER IN KANSAS
DEAR LONGTIME READER: Good point. Furthermore, the girl's first priority must be to protect her family.
DEAR ABBY: I was 17 when I tried to break off with a jealous and controlling boy like that one. He hinted that our house would not be safe, but I told no one. If I had turned him in, many lives would have turned out better.
About 10 years later, my mom saw him on television in a jail interview. He had raped more than 50 young women.
"Anonymous" should also tell her school counselor and the police about his threats in case his anger turns toward her. His parents also need to be told so they can get him the help he needs. -- SAN DIEGO READER
DEAR READER: I agree with that.
DEAR ABBY: I was in her shoes between the ages of 16 and 18. My boyfriend told me if I didn't move in with him, he'd kill my parents. So I moved in. It was pure hell. He broke my wrist, cracked my ribs, bruised me frequently -– for the rest of my life, I'll have scars as painful daily reminders.
She cannot change him. He may say he'd never hurt her, but she should listen to the threats he is already making. She must get him out of her life. I learned this firsthand. My former boyfriend is now in prison for killing his 9-month-old daughter. -- STILL RECOVERING IN OHIO
BRIDE HAS SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT SECOND TIME AROUND
DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to be married on Valentine's Day. He is a wonderful man; we have been together for three years. It will be the second marriage for both.
I really like this man. He's funny, witty and kind. He loves me and my children, and they love him very much.
My problem is I do not feel that we're soul mates. Is this just a fantasy? What if I'm making another mistake? I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't help feeling that since I don't feel butterflies after being with him for more than three years, something is missing.
Am I being silly or looking for something that does not exist? -- STILL LONELY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR STILL LONELY: The thing about "butterflies" is, if you don't catch them and mount them, they tend to fly away. I often suspect that when people talk about butterflies, they are describing a mixture of anxiety and excitement otherwise known as infatuation –- which isn't permanent.
However, if you truly feel lonely when you're with this funny, witty, kind and likable man, after three years of dating, then he isn't the life partner for you. Let him go. It wouldn't be much of a marriage if you felt you were in solitary confinement.
DEAR ABBY: I'm getting married in the summer. Everything is great except for one issue that is about to explode. I have two nieces, 3 and 8, who will be flower girls along with a third girl. My fiancee wants the girls to be taken to another room with a baby sitter after the ceremony and cocktail hour.
I fear an ugly scene because my older niece and I have a special relationship, and she loves weddings. My family would like her to stay for the reception.
It's the bride's day, of course, and I want her to have the wedding of her dreams. How should I handle this? -- GROOM-TO-BE WHO NEEDS HELP
DEAR GROOM-TO-BE: Handle it firmly. The wedding is not only the bride's day, it is also your day. While I understand the wisdom of the small children being entertained separately, the 8-year-old should be mature enough to behave properly at the celebration. Since you want her there, she should not be excluded.
DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old son is extremely sensitive. The kids in his class know it and love to pick on him. I've talked to his teacher, but she can't seem to catch them in the act.
I don't know what else to do. He is becoming depressed and eating less and less. I'm worried about him, but I don't know what to tell him to make him feel better. How can I help him? -- CARING MOTHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR MOTHER: Get your son involved in outside activities and give him a chance to cultivate new friends who haven't been influenced by his classmates. This will also give him a chance to excel at something that interests him. Being bullied is something that can affect a person's self-image for many years. Some sessions with a counselor to help him build self-esteem may also be in order.
P.S. Most important, notify the school principal, who can and should implement a "zero tolerance" policy toward bullying.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man I'll call Ben for five months. He recently quit his job to go back to school full time (he's 29), and I support him financially. Things were fine until he started hanging out with some college kids who live next door to us.
When Ben and I are alone or around his adult friends, things are fine. But when he gets around these fellow students, which is often, Ben mocks me in front of them. For example, when I go next door to tell him dinner is ready, he'll start making fun of me in a really embarrassing and juvenile way.
I know it may be fun for him to relive his college days, but being made to look like a fool in front of his buddies is starting to wear thin.
I have discussed this with him. He insists that he's just playing around (even though I wind up in tears), and says that I'm too controlling, this is his only life, and he's only having fun.
Is this something he's going to grow out of? -- TIRED OF BEING THE JOKE
DEAR TIRED: Not without help. What you're describing isn't immaturity; it's hostility. You say you are supporting him while he attends school full time. Perhaps the burden of gratitude has grown uncomfortably heavy, so he's taking it out on you and trying to make himself look less dependent in front of his schoolmates. He could also be using you. Regardless of his motive, he is showing disregard for your feelings. Put your foot down now or it will get worse.
DEAR ABBY: My parents and my older brother, "Mike," cannot get along. To make matters worse, my sister-in-law, "Janice," is holding the children for ransom from my parents until they resolve their differences with Mike.
Abby, my parents have tried many times to reconcile, but it always blows up into a huge argument where nothing is resolved.
My sister and I feel stuck in the middle. Since my parents are denied their grandchildren, I feel guilty for having a relationship with my nieces and nephew.
They are all so stubborn, and it's tearing our family apart. What can I do? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR STUCK: Why should your nieces and nephew lose their aunts because of the inability of the parents and grandparents to make peace in the family? Please don't make your parents' problems your own. Forget the guilt and see the children.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been supporting a man for the last nine months. So far he has given him a house, a $6,000 truck and has paid all of his bills.
I went away for a week, and when I came back, I found this man in my house. What do I do? -- WONDERING IN UTAH
DEAR WONDERING: First, ask your husband what his relationship is with this man, and why he is being so generous. Does he owe this person a debt? Are they lovers? If his answers don't satisfy you, consult a lawyer before all the assets are depleted.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)