For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bridesmaid's Alteration Is Not Gift Enough for Bride
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Sheila," was recently married, and I was a bridesmaid.
About two months before the wedding, Sheila called to say that the junior bridesmaid dress she had selected for one of her attendants was too small –- size 8 for a girl who was size 12. Sheila asked if there was anything I could do to make the dress fit because it was too late to order another one.
After a lot of work and many long hours over a four-week period, I finished the alterations. Neither Sheila nor the junior bridesmaid paid me for the work, and I thought that was because I said I'd do it as a favor to Sheila.
A few days before the wedding, I was still deciding what to give her as a wedding gift, but everyone I asked said that altering the dress should be enough. Well, Sheila didn't see it that way. On her wedding night, she called me several times demanding a gift of money! She said I had been disrespectful by not giving her a gift. Even after her honeymoon, she called again to talk about the money.
Was I wrong not to give her a separate wedding gift?
FRIEND OF THE BRIDE ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR FRIEND: For a bride to demand a gift shows an appalling lack of manners. I think that spending an entire month trying to ensure that Sheila had the wedding of her dreams was gift enough. If you have an itch to do so, scratch Sheila off your list, because she is no friend.
DEAR ABBY: Last July you kindly printed a letter from Christopher Reeve, the vice chairman of the National Organization on Disability (N.O.D.), in which he called on the communities of this country to enter N.O.D.'s Accessible America Contest. The letter generated substantial interest and 64 entries were received. Each one documented impressive efforts that towns and cities around the United States are making to enable their communities to be more welcoming and accessible, so that citizens and visitors with disabilities can fully participate in community life.
In your response to Christopher, you said you would share the name of the winning community when it was announced. Phoenix is the winner of the 2003 Accessible America Contest, which includes a $25,000 prize underwritten by UPS. Phoenix joins Venice, Fla., and Irvine, Calif., the winners of the first two contests, as a model for other communities as they strive to be disability-friendly.
For further information about the contest, Phoenix's winning entry and N.O.D.'s Community Partnership Program, which provides guidance and assistance to towns and cities in their efforts to work with the disability community, readers can visit www.nod.org. -- BREWSTER THACKERY, DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, N.O.D.
DEAR BREWSTER: Thank you for the update. And congratulations to the forward-thinking city of Phoenix for winning the Accessible America competition. It demonstrates the city's commitment to execute the plans and devote the funds to assure that everyone can fully participate in the life of the community. That's time and money well spent.
MAN CAUGHT IN TUG-OF-WAR BETWEEN HIS WIFE AND SON
DEAR ABBY: I have a 12-year-old son I'll call "Josh." His mother, "Jan," and I are divorced. Jan is verbally and emotionally abusive. I see Josh three days a week. I took him for counseling, but Jan told him counseling is for crazy people, and now he refuses to go. I told the doctor what my ex said, and he said she needs help because she's destroying Josh's self-esteem.
My son wants to move in with my wife, "Sue," and me when he is old enough. For eight years he's had a dog named "Rascal" that he loves. When Josh says he wants to live with me, Jan threatens to get rid of Rascal if Josh isn't there to take care of the dog.
Jan said I can have the dog, but Sue says, "No way!" She hates dogs and will not have one in the house. Abby, Rascal is a small inside dog, so keeping him outside is not an option. I think Sue should accept the dog for my son's sake. I tried to explain that it is for Josh's emotional well-being. She says it's her or the dog. I say the choice is not the dog, but my son's happiness.
I said she doesn't care about my son or she'd accept Rascal, and she went crazy -- yelling four-letter words. She actually threatened the dog and me. I told her I must take Rascal over her because Josh is my first priority. What should I do? -- TORN BETWEEN MY WIFE AND SON
DEAR TORN: How sad. You know what you have to do. Your son must be your first priority.
P.S. Before involving yourself with any more women, please get counseling to find out why you are drawn to self-centered abusers.
DEAR ABBY: My 80-year-old mother lives alone in a small apartment and maintains a fairly independent lifestyle with the help of public assistance.
I live across the country, but talk to her on the phone several times a week. During one conversation, she told me that my 50-year-old brother has been storing furniture in her tiny living room even though she asked him not to. I wrote to my brother, asking him to remove the items immediately and to apologize for causing our mother aggravation. (He has a good job and a grown family.)
Mother has since reiterated to me that she wants the furniture out, but says she's afraid my brother will retaliate -- which shocks me.
While I can't fathom my brother taking advantage of our mother this way, I wouldn't put anything past him. Several years ago, he took a jazz album collection that belonged to me out of Mom's apartment without my permission and refused to return it.
Is there something more I can do -- or some agency that can help? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: There certainly is. Since you are concerned about elder abuse, contact the Administration on Aging Eldercare Locator service, toll-free (800) 677-1116 (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time, or on the Web at: www.eldercare.gov. Please don't wait. Your mother has the right to feel safe and secure in her own home.
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SON'S FRIENDS NEED QUICK COURSE IN COMMON COURTESY
DEAR ABBY: I have absolutely had it with some of my son's friends, and his girlfriend is no better.
I take my son and his friends places. The friends get into the car and never address me at all. It is like I'm invisible.
When the girlfriend calls, she asks for my son, but never asks me how I am doing or even says, "Hello, Mrs. Jones."
What is this world coming to? My children are not like that. People tell me how personable they are, and that they greet other adults courteously and with respect.
I have reached the point where I don't want my son to hang around with these kids, and I want the girlfriend gone.
Oh, by the way, the son I am talking about is a sophomore in high school. Any suggestions? -- SICK OF DISRESPECTFUL TEENS
DEAR SICK: Yes. Take the bull by the horns. The next time you're at the wheel and one of your son's friends gets into the car, say, "Hello, 'Johnny.' How are you?" Ask questions about school, sports, his parents. Break the silence and lighten the atmosphere. You're the adult -- make the first move.
As to the girlfriend -- it's possible that she hasn't been taught telephone manners. So be pleasant, and keep it light -- but let her know that the way to a young man's heart is not only through his stomach, but can also be through his mother, and that one way to impress his mother is to slow down for a moment and say, "Hello, 'Mrs. Jones.' How are you? May I please speak to your son?"
DEAR ABBY: I have a most embarrassing problem. My job requires me to make public appearances, and often I am "dressed to the nines." I admit, for dramatic purposes, I sometimes apply too much makeup. I have always been told I am beautiful, and I have even done some modeling.
Here's the dilemma: People think I am a man. Once I was cornered at a festival by an angry group of people who had been fired up by one drunkard's insistence that I was a drag queen. (Abby, I have children and I am definitely female.)
The first few times it happened, I tried to brush it off and regain my composure -- once I stopped crying. But lately, it is getting ridiculous. I am mistaken for a cross-dresser even when I wear very little makeup. At 5-foot-7 and 120 pounds, I'm hardly manly. A week doesn't go by without this happening.
My boyfriend says I should blow it off -- that people are jealous. My self-confidence is in the cellar and I'm at my wit's end. I have struggled with severe depression my whole life, and this isn't helping. A lot of the time I'd like to cower somewhere, but my job won't let me. Help! -- CRYING IN PHOENIX
DEAR CRYING: It's difficult to give you an answer sight unseen, but let's analyze this. Drag queens are often known for their flawless makeup and their flamboyant manner of dress. Could this be a description of you? If the answer is "maybe" -- then it's time for a fashion and image makeover.
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