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MAN CAUGHT IN TUG-OF-WAR BETWEEN HIS WIFE AND SON
DEAR ABBY: I have a 12-year-old son I'll call "Josh." His mother, "Jan," and I are divorced. Jan is verbally and emotionally abusive. I see Josh three days a week. I took him for counseling, but Jan told him counseling is for crazy people, and now he refuses to go. I told the doctor what my ex said, and he said she needs help because she's destroying Josh's self-esteem.
My son wants to move in with my wife, "Sue," and me when he is old enough. For eight years he's had a dog named "Rascal" that he loves. When Josh says he wants to live with me, Jan threatens to get rid of Rascal if Josh isn't there to take care of the dog.
Jan said I can have the dog, but Sue says, "No way!" She hates dogs and will not have one in the house. Abby, Rascal is a small inside dog, so keeping him outside is not an option. I think Sue should accept the dog for my son's sake. I tried to explain that it is for Josh's emotional well-being. She says it's her or the dog. I say the choice is not the dog, but my son's happiness.
I said she doesn't care about my son or she'd accept Rascal, and she went crazy -- yelling four-letter words. She actually threatened the dog and me. I told her I must take Rascal over her because Josh is my first priority. What should I do? -- TORN BETWEEN MY WIFE AND SON
DEAR TORN: How sad. You know what you have to do. Your son must be your first priority.
P.S. Before involving yourself with any more women, please get counseling to find out why you are drawn to self-centered abusers.
DEAR ABBY: My 80-year-old mother lives alone in a small apartment and maintains a fairly independent lifestyle with the help of public assistance.
I live across the country, but talk to her on the phone several times a week. During one conversation, she told me that my 50-year-old brother has been storing furniture in her tiny living room even though she asked him not to. I wrote to my brother, asking him to remove the items immediately and to apologize for causing our mother aggravation. (He has a good job and a grown family.)
Mother has since reiterated to me that she wants the furniture out, but says she's afraid my brother will retaliate -- which shocks me.
While I can't fathom my brother taking advantage of our mother this way, I wouldn't put anything past him. Several years ago, he took a jazz album collection that belonged to me out of Mom's apartment without my permission and refused to return it.
Is there something more I can do -- or some agency that can help? -- FRUSTRATED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: There certainly is. Since you are concerned about elder abuse, contact the Administration on Aging Eldercare Locator service, toll-free (800) 677-1116 (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time, or on the Web at: www.eldercare.gov. Please don't wait. Your mother has the right to feel safe and secure in her own home.
SON'S FRIENDS NEED QUICK COURSE IN COMMON COURTESY
DEAR ABBY: I have absolutely had it with some of my son's friends, and his girlfriend is no better.
I take my son and his friends places. The friends get into the car and never address me at all. It is like I'm invisible.
When the girlfriend calls, she asks for my son, but never asks me how I am doing or even says, "Hello, Mrs. Jones."
What is this world coming to? My children are not like that. People tell me how personable they are, and that they greet other adults courteously and with respect.
I have reached the point where I don't want my son to hang around with these kids, and I want the girlfriend gone.
Oh, by the way, the son I am talking about is a sophomore in high school. Any suggestions? -- SICK OF DISRESPECTFUL TEENS
DEAR SICK: Yes. Take the bull by the horns. The next time you're at the wheel and one of your son's friends gets into the car, say, "Hello, 'Johnny.' How are you?" Ask questions about school, sports, his parents. Break the silence and lighten the atmosphere. You're the adult -- make the first move.
As to the girlfriend -- it's possible that she hasn't been taught telephone manners. So be pleasant, and keep it light -- but let her know that the way to a young man's heart is not only through his stomach, but can also be through his mother, and that one way to impress his mother is to slow down for a moment and say, "Hello, 'Mrs. Jones.' How are you? May I please speak to your son?"
DEAR ABBY: I have a most embarrassing problem. My job requires me to make public appearances, and often I am "dressed to the nines." I admit, for dramatic purposes, I sometimes apply too much makeup. I have always been told I am beautiful, and I have even done some modeling.
Here's the dilemma: People think I am a man. Once I was cornered at a festival by an angry group of people who had been fired up by one drunkard's insistence that I was a drag queen. (Abby, I have children and I am definitely female.)
The first few times it happened, I tried to brush it off and regain my composure -- once I stopped crying. But lately, it is getting ridiculous. I am mistaken for a cross-dresser even when I wear very little makeup. At 5-foot-7 and 120 pounds, I'm hardly manly. A week doesn't go by without this happening.
My boyfriend says I should blow it off -- that people are jealous. My self-confidence is in the cellar and I'm at my wit's end. I have struggled with severe depression my whole life, and this isn't helping. A lot of the time I'd like to cower somewhere, but my job won't let me. Help! -- CRYING IN PHOENIX
DEAR CRYING: It's difficult to give you an answer sight unseen, but let's analyze this. Drag queens are often known for their flawless makeup and their flamboyant manner of dress. Could this be a description of you? If the answer is "maybe" -- then it's time for a fashion and image makeover.
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Woman Attracted to Minister Prays the Feeling Is Mutual
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious crush on the minister at church, and I suspect he has similar feelings for me. He is divorced and seems a little shy. Is there some code of ethics that a minister must follow about dating parishioners? I'm a Methodist. Please tell me what to do -- I'm crazy about him. -- CRAZY FOR THE REVEREND
DEAR CRAZY: There are specific rules that prevent clergy from becoming romantically involved with their parishioners. Those who break them are considered predators.
If you are serious about the minister, the first thing you should do is find another congregation. After that, call him, explain why you left his flock, say a little prayer and invite him to dinner.
DEAR ABBY: When I send out dinner invitations, I ask the guests not to bring anything but themselves. But without fail, my husband's mother and sister call him to say they'll be bringing added dishes plus dessert.
My husband, "Nick," refuses to tell them it's not necessary. He says they don't mean to offend and that I am being petty.
But they never ask me what I'm preparing, and their food always conflicts with what I'm serving. This last time, Nick even asked me to change the menu to complement the food they were bringing! Afterward, they asked me to wash their serving dishes and return them in a couple of days.
I have attended other family functions where I've noticed these in-laws did not interfere with the meals being served. I can't help but take it personally. I am very offended. What should I do? -- TIRED OF BITING MY TONGUE IN PA.
DEAR TIRED: There is no rule of etiquette that demands a host serve food that is brought by the guests. (This goes for wine, too.) It is considered to be a gift to the host. The next time Nick's mother and sister bring food after having been asked not to, transfer it to your own containers and put it in the freezer. Put their dishes into a hot soapy sink, and present them to their owners at the door when they leave. Then you and Nick can enjoy their gift at a later time -- or dispose of it if you choose.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 25 years. I'm in my early 40s and have three adorable children and a good life.
My problem is I cannot get my previous boyfriend out of my system. I long to see him, and when I do -- even a glimpse of him -- I feel the way I did when we were together years ago. I get nervous and tingly and jittery. I look for him wherever I go and dream of him often. It is always the same dream; we are getting married.
I have a good husband who doesn't drink or become abusive. We go to church, have a new house, two nice vehicles and just about everything I could want.
Do I need closure or do you think I still love him? I will always love him, I guess, even though I talked with him several years ago and he is completely different from when we dated. Do I need counseling or is this normal? -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WONDERING: I suspect you are less in love with him than with the IDEA of him. He can do no wrong because it's all in your head -- the "perfect" love affair. If counseling will help you feel better, I won't discourage you. But I recommend that you also find a project or volunteer outlet on which to concentrate, because it appears you have too much time on your hands.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)