What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Attracted to Minister Prays the Feeling Is Mutual
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious crush on the minister at church, and I suspect he has similar feelings for me. He is divorced and seems a little shy. Is there some code of ethics that a minister must follow about dating parishioners? I'm a Methodist. Please tell me what to do -- I'm crazy about him. -- CRAZY FOR THE REVEREND
DEAR CRAZY: There are specific rules that prevent clergy from becoming romantically involved with their parishioners. Those who break them are considered predators.
If you are serious about the minister, the first thing you should do is find another congregation. After that, call him, explain why you left his flock, say a little prayer and invite him to dinner.
DEAR ABBY: When I send out dinner invitations, I ask the guests not to bring anything but themselves. But without fail, my husband's mother and sister call him to say they'll be bringing added dishes plus dessert.
My husband, "Nick," refuses to tell them it's not necessary. He says they don't mean to offend and that I am being petty.
But they never ask me what I'm preparing, and their food always conflicts with what I'm serving. This last time, Nick even asked me to change the menu to complement the food they were bringing! Afterward, they asked me to wash their serving dishes and return them in a couple of days.
I have attended other family functions where I've noticed these in-laws did not interfere with the meals being served. I can't help but take it personally. I am very offended. What should I do? -- TIRED OF BITING MY TONGUE IN PA.
DEAR TIRED: There is no rule of etiquette that demands a host serve food that is brought by the guests. (This goes for wine, too.) It is considered to be a gift to the host. The next time Nick's mother and sister bring food after having been asked not to, transfer it to your own containers and put it in the freezer. Put their dishes into a hot soapy sink, and present them to their owners at the door when they leave. Then you and Nick can enjoy their gift at a later time -- or dispose of it if you choose.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 25 years. I'm in my early 40s and have three adorable children and a good life.
My problem is I cannot get my previous boyfriend out of my system. I long to see him, and when I do -- even a glimpse of him -- I feel the way I did when we were together years ago. I get nervous and tingly and jittery. I look for him wherever I go and dream of him often. It is always the same dream; we are getting married.
I have a good husband who doesn't drink or become abusive. We go to church, have a new house, two nice vehicles and just about everything I could want.
Do I need closure or do you think I still love him? I will always love him, I guess, even though I talked with him several years ago and he is completely different from when we dated. Do I need counseling or is this normal? -- WONDERING IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WONDERING: I suspect you are less in love with him than with the IDEA of him. He can do no wrong because it's all in your head -- the "perfect" love affair. If counseling will help you feel better, I won't discourage you. But I recommend that you also find a project or volunteer outlet on which to concentrate, because it appears you have too much time on your hands.
CUSTOMERS' CRUDE REMARKS MAKE WORK IN UPSCALE CAFE A DOWNER
DEAR ABBY: I recently turned 18 and started a new job as a waitress in an upscale cafe. I love my job, but there's one drawback.
The other waitresses and I get hit on left and right by men in their 40s and 50s. I'm not talking about a few cute remarks but lewd suggestions and asking for our phone numbers. One girl even had to file a police report because a 61-year-old man kept coming by and waiting for her to get off work, even after she declined his invitation to go out.
Where does a man that age get the idea that he can get a girl who's still in high school? And how do we let them down without sounding rude or risking our jobs? -- GROSSED OUT IN FLORIDA
DEAR GROSSED OUT: Where does he get the idea? In his dreams, honey! How should you deal with it? Be friendly, be polite, and tell him that he reminds you of someone very special -- your grandfather.
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Harry," and I are having a disagreement about proper etiquette. He says he doesn't have to open a door for me, only for his wife -- even though we are both females.
My boyfriend and I feel that the door should be opened for both women by the first male to reach the door.
Harry claims that he needs to open the door only for his wife because they are a couple, and my boyfriend should open the door for me. My boyfriend always opens the door for me and continues to hold it open for Harry's wife.
Who is right? -- LESLIE IN MAPLE GROVE, MINN.
DEAR LESLIE: You are. Harry should continue to hold the door until both women have entered or exited. To do otherwise is rude and thoughtless. I don't know who taught Harry his manners, but it appears he's a little rough around the edges and could use some polishing.
DEAR ABBY: How should I respond to my husband who constantly corrects me when I'm talking to friends and relatives? We can be talking about anything -- movies, weather, the day of the week we did something. And, according to him, I am always wrong. (FYI -- I am usually right.)
It's bad enough when he does it at home, but it's humiliating when we're out. I've tried talking to him privately about this, but he becomes defensive. Then I get the silent treatment.
I have reached my limit. Abby, what can I say to him that won't embarrass either of us or put him on the defensive? Any advice will be appreciated. -- ALWAYS WRONG ANYWHERE IN U.S.A.
DEAR ALWAYS WRONG: Loving spouses do not correct each other in public; they do it privately. Since you have spoken to your husband about this and he continues, recognize that he is insecure and trying to make himself look smarter/superior by making you look foolish. Most people recognize this ploy for what it is.
Nothing you can say to him about his behavior will make him less defensive. He's already on the defensive and it has nothing to do with you.
Marriage counseling might help him see how detrimental this is, and improve your level of communication. I wish you luck.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Herpes Infection Is Reminder of Husband's Broken Promise
DEAR ABBY: A young mother wrote that her husband had given her herpes-2, and asked you to help her decide whether to stay or to leave the marriage. She said that the virus was a constant reminder of his indiscretion, and asked if any other man could love her if he knew. Please give her this message:
I also contracted herpes-2 (HSV-2) from my ex-husband during our marriage. We divorced and I married my soul mate. While we were dating, I told him about the virus and waited to hear him say, "Adios." Instead, to my amazement, his response was, "I love you. This isn't your fault and we'll deal with it."
I, too, am angry during an outbreak because it is a reminder that the person I trusted most betrayed me. But remember that stress is one of the triggers for an outbreak. Then remind yourself that this virus doesn't change who you are inside. You have done nothing wrong. Get all the information you can because knowledge is empowering. No matter what decision you make about your marriage, your heart will heal. My thoughts are with you. -- LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER
DEAR LIVING: Thank you for the beautiful testimonial that a full life is possible after an HSV-2 diagnosis. People who have this infection often feel isolated because it is not a condition that is easily discussed. For anyone who might have missed it in my previous column, the National Herpes Hotline -- (919) 361-8488 -- operates from 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Eastern time. The staff provides information and referrals to support groups.
I'm pleased to say you are not the only caring reader who wrote to offer support to that young woman. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I contracted herpes-2 after a one-night stand 10 years ago. Since the age of 17, I have struggled with feelings of anger, humiliation and the fear of never finding love. I, too, felt "robbed of my dignity, my self-image and my future." But I have slowly arrived at the acceptance stage, and so will that young wife.
She can save her marriage if she truly loves her husband "in sickness and health." Living with HSV-2 is possible; many people do it. She should ask herself if she can live without the family unit the two of them have built together.
I am still single since my diagnosis, but I have had two healthy relationships over six years' time. The key is honesty and healthy communication. -- LIVING STRONG IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR LIVING STRONG: I agree, and that is true in any healthy relationship. I would be shirking my responsibility as an advice columnist, however, if I didn't point out that more than half of all teenagers today are sexually active. That is why they need clear, concise sex education -- beyond "just say no" -- to help them avoid sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies. While most adults prefer that teens and pre-teens abstain from having sex, it is obvious that many are NOT abstaining.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Diane" and I went downtown for a few drinks after work. She drove. At the end of the night, she had a parking ticket. I was surprised when she said I should pay half, especially since she knows money is tight for me right now. I think Diane is being unfair. I wouldn't expect her to pay half of it if it was my ticket. Am I wrong? -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONFUSED: She provided the transportation. I assume she paid for the gas. Since you were together when she got the parking ticket, it would have been nice if you had OFFERED to pay half the ticket. That's how friends treat each other.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)