To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Five Year Olds Girls Should Not Be Walking Home Alone
DEAR ABBY: When my husband or I pick up our 7-year-old daughter at school -- seven blocks from our home -- we often see two 5-year-old girls who attend the same school. They walk the whole way home by themselves and pass our block every day. There are major intersections they must cross to get home. My daughter tells me that sometimes they don't look before stepping into the street. At one intersection, the light changes before you can reach the other sidewalk, and even I have to run before the traffic starts moving.
I am afraid for these children. Other parents have mentioned seeing them navigating the streets alone. To me that means there could be a predator watching, too.
On the days that my husband or I walk, we wouldn't mind inviting these little ones to walk with us. I want to give their guardians a note saying so, but the girls were probably told not to talk to strangers. I don't want a predator to see me talking to the children and realize there is no one protecting them.
Please tell me what I should do. -- AFRAID FOR THE CHILDREN
DEAR AFRAID: You have every reason to be concerned. It frightens me to hear about two 5-year-olds walking home without supervision. Talk to the school principal about this so he or she can contact the parents. If that doesn't solve the problem, report it to the police. It is child endangerment.
DEAR ABBY: Last February, my husband suffered an anoxic brain injury -- lack of oxygen to the brain. Needless to say, he is no longer the man he was.
Our friends have all disappeared. They tell me it's hard for them to see him like this. How do they think I feel?
Am I wrong to feel hurt? I don't understand why they can't even call. Talking has always been an outlet for me, but no one ever calls me anymore. No one knows how someone else feels until they've been there, but what happened to, "I'll be there for you," or "Call if you need me"? I wouldn't ask them for anything but conversation.
Is it normal for people to avoid friends when they are in trouble or pain? -- FRIENDLESS IN GEORGIA
DEAR FRIENDLESS: It's human, it's common -- but it's cowardly. You have my sympathy, but it's time you stopped waiting for calls that never come and do something on your own behalf. Rather than dwelling on how these supposed "friends" have let you down, your time would be better spent with a caregiver support group. You'll find you have much in common. Locate one by calling the National Family Caregivers Association, toll-free, at (800) 896-3650, or visiting the Web site at www.nfcacares.org. There is also an organization called Faith in Action that offers respite care to caregivers like yourself. The toll-free number is (877) 324-8411. Adult day care for your husband could give you some much-needed time to rest and rejuvenate. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: Once you have been married and then divorced, must you always check "divorced" when filling out forms? Or is there a time when you can go back to "single"? -- STEPHANIE IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR STEPHANIE: I'm not sure what kinds of forms you're referring to. Frankly, I find the question presumptuous, and I don't see why either has to be marked -- unless it's for something like an insurance form or a background check.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and in the eighth grade. I just moved from one set of grandparents to my other grandma's house and had to change schools.
At my old school, I had friends. At this new school, I don't have anybody to hang out with. Every once in a while, someone talks to me. But every day I eat lunch alone.
Grandma works, so I have to go to school an hour early and stay an hour later than the other kids. I'm trying to stick it out for this school year, but next year I want to go back to my old school where I have friends and transportation.
I'm afraid my grandma will be heartbroken if I leave her. I love her and don't want to hurt her. If she wanted me to, I could still visit her every weekend like I used to. I don't know how to handle this. Please help me. -- LONELY IN TEXAS
DEAR LONELY: You have my sympathy. The timing for your move could not have been worse. By eighth grade, cliques and friendships have been well-established, and trying to break in is difficult.
I hope you will be patient and give things in your new community a little more time. In the fall, everyone in your class will be starting high school. Very often the people who were close in grammar/middle school start forming new alliances at that time, and you will be able to find friends and fit in. You will be able to join clubs or go out for sports, if that interests you.
At the end of your freshman year, if your situation has not improved, you should speak to your grandmother about returning to your old community. But if you do go back, don't be surprised if things are not the way you remembered them. As circumstances change and time passes, people also change.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, daughter and I recently moved from the West Coast to a small town on the East Coast. My husband loves his new job and my daughter is adjusting well, but I am miserable.
I have been commuting back and forth. When I am on the West Coast, I feel I'm myself and all's right with the world. When I return home, I deflate.
Nothing I try makes the move bearable. If I'd truly known what living here would be like, I would never have moved.
Living on the West Coast would be better for me, but I have my husband and daughter to consider. How do I evaluate the trade-off between their well-being and my misery? -- MISERABLE ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR MISERABLE: I wish you had been more specific about when the move took place. Let me answer you this way: To what extent have you been trying to fit into the new community? Have you joined a church or synagogue? Are you volunteering in the community? Helping at your daughter's school? Have you made a sincere effort to make new friends?
If the answer to each of these questions is yes, then it's possible you are unable to make the transition and you and your husband should consider relocating back to the West Coast.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been on the outs lately because she has a friend, "Dottie," whom I don't like. Dottie told my wife that she hates that we got married. She even tried to introduce her to other guys. Dottie has broken up a few marriages, and now she is trying to break up mine.
My wife lies to me about where she is when I call her cell phone and she's at Dottie's.
Should I tell her it's Dottie or me? I need some advice. -- DOESN'T TRUST DOTTIE
DEAR D.T.D.: If your wife is lying to you about her whereabouts, your marriage is in big trouble. It would be interesting to know what the basis is for her alliance with this troublemaker. You both could benefit from marriage counseling to clear the air and renew your commitment to each other. Until your wife is able to perceive what Dottie is doing for what it is, your marriage will continue to go downhill.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Must Improve His Cast if He Hopes to Catch a Keeper
DEAR ABBY: You were far too easy on the ninth-grade boy who said: "Women are like fish. If you have the right bait, they are easy to lure in. Once you've sampled the goods, then you throw them back." He asked "what was up" with all the "unfortunate women and their out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships" and said that men don't have these problems.
What kind of male role model does that boy have? He appears to be headed for many brief relationships if he has the preconception that women are to be hooked and then let go. With that mind-set, he'll miss out on the love and stability of a healthy relationship when the "right fish" comes along and he has the wrong attitude.
He should look at the lake from the top instead of the bottom. The water is kinda murky from his vantage point. -- HOOKED AND RELEASED BY CHOICE, CANTON, OHIO
DEAR H&R: You're right. Did that letter ever touch a nerve. I was inundated with mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a hunch that boy has "sampled" some goods and "thrown them back" despite his claim that "he isn't like that." Girls who have out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships don't get that way by themselves. There are boys involved.
You should have told him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is, and to look for better role models for how to treat women.
P.S. Reminding him to always keep a "net" handy to cover his "fishing pole" wouldn't have been a bad idea either. -- MARGARET IN EASTON, PENN.
DEAR MARGARET: Not a bad suggestion. It might keep him from getting in over his head.
DEAR ABBY: My name is Kelsey. I live in Japan and have a few words for "Mr. Fisherman." Women are NOT like fish! Is it so wrong to actually trust a guy? By the sound of it, I think you are out there casting your hook as well. I hope you know where I hope it lands! Women are no more gullible than any other human can be, and we are not stupid. I have had a couple of bad relationships, but I'm grateful for them. They made me smarter. -- "LITTLE FISHY" IN NINTH GRADE
DEAR "LITTLE FISHY": Good point. It may take a couple of "strikes," but people learn from experience.
DEAR ABBY: For every bad relationship and every single mother, there is a man who contributed to it. Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. Which seems to be the lesser of the evils? -- TAKES TWO TO TANGO, VANCOUVER, WASH.
DEAR TAKES TWO: Neither. When people do THAT dance, they both get cheated because neither one is a commodity to be traded for the other.
DEAR ABBY: What's up with all these men who leave women after they impregnate them? They bolt at the sight of anything more complicated than Monday night football or hooting at a strip club.
Men are like dogs. If they smell food, they'll come panting. If they were smart enough to accomplish more than a few simple tricks for treats, there wouldn't be a need to write this letter.
Offended? GOOD! Not all women are like fish, hoping to catch bait their entire lives. Women are strong, ambitious, intelligent people. Not all men are dogs, either. Some men are loving, generous and intelligent enough to lead healthy, functional lives supporting their partners as equals. Unfortunately, "Fisherman" is too juvenile to see this. By the way, I'm also in ninth grade. -- MICHELLE S., MENLO PARK, CALIF.
DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you for an excellent response. You have a good head on your shoulders. I hope my male readers understand that girls who have strong, active male role models in their lives are less likely to take the bait when it's offered.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)