Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Must Improve His Cast if He Hopes to Catch a Keeper
DEAR ABBY: You were far too easy on the ninth-grade boy who said: "Women are like fish. If you have the right bait, they are easy to lure in. Once you've sampled the goods, then you throw them back." He asked "what was up" with all the "unfortunate women and their out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships" and said that men don't have these problems.
What kind of male role model does that boy have? He appears to be headed for many brief relationships if he has the preconception that women are to be hooked and then let go. With that mind-set, he'll miss out on the love and stability of a healthy relationship when the "right fish" comes along and he has the wrong attitude.
He should look at the lake from the top instead of the bottom. The water is kinda murky from his vantage point. -- HOOKED AND RELEASED BY CHOICE, CANTON, OHIO
DEAR H&R: You're right. Did that letter ever touch a nerve. I was inundated with mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a hunch that boy has "sampled" some goods and "thrown them back" despite his claim that "he isn't like that." Girls who have out-of-wedlock pregnancies and bad relationships don't get that way by themselves. There are boys involved.
You should have told him that he's not as smart as he thinks he is, and to look for better role models for how to treat women.
P.S. Reminding him to always keep a "net" handy to cover his "fishing pole" wouldn't have been a bad idea either. -- MARGARET IN EASTON, PENN.
DEAR MARGARET: Not a bad suggestion. It might keep him from getting in over his head.
DEAR ABBY: My name is Kelsey. I live in Japan and have a few words for "Mr. Fisherman." Women are NOT like fish! Is it so wrong to actually trust a guy? By the sound of it, I think you are out there casting your hook as well. I hope you know where I hope it lands! Women are no more gullible than any other human can be, and we are not stupid. I have had a couple of bad relationships, but I'm grateful for them. They made me smarter. -- "LITTLE FISHY" IN NINTH GRADE
DEAR "LITTLE FISHY": Good point. It may take a couple of "strikes," but people learn from experience.
DEAR ABBY: For every bad relationship and every single mother, there is a man who contributed to it. Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. Which seems to be the lesser of the evils? -- TAKES TWO TO TANGO, VANCOUVER, WASH.
DEAR TAKES TWO: Neither. When people do THAT dance, they both get cheated because neither one is a commodity to be traded for the other.
DEAR ABBY: What's up with all these men who leave women after they impregnate them? They bolt at the sight of anything more complicated than Monday night football or hooting at a strip club.
Men are like dogs. If they smell food, they'll come panting. If they were smart enough to accomplish more than a few simple tricks for treats, there wouldn't be a need to write this letter.
Offended? GOOD! Not all women are like fish, hoping to catch bait their entire lives. Women are strong, ambitious, intelligent people. Not all men are dogs, either. Some men are loving, generous and intelligent enough to lead healthy, functional lives supporting their partners as equals. Unfortunately, "Fisherman" is too juvenile to see this. By the way, I'm also in ninth grade. -- MICHELLE S., MENLO PARK, CALIF.
DEAR MICHELLE: Thank you for an excellent response. You have a good head on your shoulders. I hope my male readers understand that girls who have strong, active male role models in their lives are less likely to take the bait when it's offered.
Woman Looks for Man Her Age Who Is Ready to Settle Down
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 and single. I am always hearing about women suffering from midlife crises, but have you ever heard of a mid-20s one? My single friends and I all seem to have the same problem. We are out of college and beyond our days of "flings." So why is it that while we are ready to settle down and meet someone, the men our age act like they are still in college? Is there anywhere I can meet someone mature AND my age? Should I go to church to find someone, like my mom says? Look to older men? Or am I doomed 'til I'm over 30? -- RORY IN CAMBRIDGE, MASS.
DEAR RORY: In the 1950s, "success" for girls was defined as marrying early and having children. Since then, however, more women have jobs and careers, and it is not unusual for men and women to get graduate degrees before thinking about marriage. Couple that with the fact that an adolescent mentality seems to have stretched beyond the teens into the mid-to-late 20s, and it's not surprising that many young men do not feel ready to commit.
You may have to expand your horizons a bit in the age department if you want to settle down now. Consider someone in his late 20s. Then go where like-minded people gather: graduate school, special-interest clubs, volunteer organizations, square or line dancing, church or a political-action group.
Remember that it's important to take the time to really get to know someone before you give your heart -- or anything else.
DEAR ABBY: This is an update on Project Lifesaver, a new nonprofit police organization that locates wandering victims of Alzheimer's disease and special-needs kids using electronic tracking. Your columns devoted to dementia prompted me to write, since our service allows seniors to remain at home longer and gives much-needed stress reduction to their caregivers.
To date, Project Lifesaver has located 878 people in an average rescue time of 19 to 20 minutes. There have been no deaths or injuries, and everyone reported missing has been located. According to the National Alzheimer's Association, an average of 32,000 people wander away from homes and nursing homes each year.
Those at risk of wandering wear a 1-ounce wrist transmitter that emits a radio tracking signal 24/7. When caregivers discover their loved one is missing, they call 911, and Project Lifesaver-trained police officers respond to locate the person quickly.
The system works day or night, inside or outside. The price for the service through the police department ranges from free to $35 per month, depending on financial need. Project Lifesaver is currently in about 200 police departments.
Caregivers interested in Project Lifesaver for their community should contact their local police or sheriff's department and ask them to contact me at the Chesapeake, Va., Sheriff's SAR Unit at (757) 546-5502. Thank you. -- CHIEF GENE SAUNDERS, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, PROJECT LIFESAVER
DEAR CHIEF SAUNDERS: Be careful what you wish for. Project Lifesaver sounds like a terrific public service to me. I'm pleased to make my readers aware of it. Get ready for the onslaught!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teen Should Take Long Look Before Leaping Out of Closet
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and have been dating "Nora" for about six months. I love her, but I can't continue dating her because I recently realized I am more attracted to guys. We've been having sex for a little while, and I know Nora will be brokenhearted if I break up with her. But I am living a lie. How do I tell her? -- LIVING A LIE
DEAR LIVING: Before making any announcements, I urge you to think carefully about the implications. If you tell Nora, there is a strong possibility that she will tell others. How do your parents feel about gays? How do your friends at school regard homosexuality?
As much as you may care for Nora, unless you are ready to be completely "out," it might be safer for you to allow the relationship to taper off. If she insists on a reason, tell her you are not ready for a serious commitment. It would be kinder than letting her think she doesn't measure up.
DEAR ABBY: I've done something I'm ashamed of, and I have no way to apologize other than to hope the person I offended may see this.
On Christmas Eve, I was stuck in traffic and a woman with a carload of kids pushed into the intersection so far that I had no choice but to let her pass. She waved and I made a vulgar gesture.
I am over 50, well-educated, have good common sense and should know better. The look of horror and hurt on that woman's face was devastating. My grown daughter was in the car with me! I let her down, and I let myself down.
I apologized to my daughter, but she will never forget that stupid act. I wish there were some way to change what I did. If the woman who was in that car reads this, I hope she knows that I am sorry I ruined her Christmas spirit. It is all I have been able to think about since that night. Please forgive me. -- ASHAMED IN MIDLOTHIAN, VA.
DEAR ASHAMED: I'm printing your letter for all to see. Sad to say, I'm sure many people will think the letter is intended for them.
P.S. Contrition is a first step toward growth. Forgive yourself for your silly burst of temper and promise to behave better in the future.
DEAR ABBY: Last March I had emergency surgery and was in the hospital for almost a month. It took me five months to fully recover. My family was wonderful. They sent gifts, called frequently and visited me. Their support helped to speed my recovery, and I returned to work and school sooner than expected.
The anniversary of my surgery is coming up, and I am planning a celebration to thank everyone for their generosity. I want to make sure no one brings a gift and they know the party is for them. What would be the appropriate wording for the invitation? -- CELEBRATING IN OHIO
DEAR CELEBRATING: When you extend the invitation, make no reference to the fact that it is for anything other than "a dinner party." When your guests have assembled, break out the champagne, make a toast in their honor -- before you all get toasted -- and tell them the party is for them.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)