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Wife Caught Up in Swinging Now Has Feet on the Ground
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Wavering," whose husband wanted her to accompany him to a swingers' party, was right on. If she goes, not only will the dynamics of her marriage change forever, she may never regain her self-confidence.
My husband talked me into the same thing in 1978, soon after our first child was born. I knew his first marriage had failed due to boredom, affairs, etc., and I naively thought it would keep him from straying. By the late '80s, I could no longer handle the lifestyle and the constant worry about AIDS. I finally got strong enough to say, "No more!"
In 2001, one year short of our silver anniversary, I learned my husband had been having affairs throughout our entire relationship, with or without the parties. We have been separated ever since, but only recently has he admitted that he needs help and is finally getting it -- too late for us.
Throughout our entire marriage, I never felt good enough because my husband always wanted something more. I didn't know until I began counseling, after our separation, that there was nothing I could have done to change his behavior or to satisfy him.
I wish I could take back all the swinging. I am so ashamed. I have herpes, but thank God I don't have AIDS. (By the way, he infected me with herpes before we ever started going to the swingers' parties.) I was too blind to see the truth.
Please tell "Wavering" NEVER to give in. Due to his sexual addiction, it's possible that her husband is already cheating. -- FOOLED FOR YEARS
DEAR FOOLED: Thank you for the powerful testimonial. While some couples argue that swinging opens up new doors of adventure, I see it as slamming the door on what should be a precious, meaningful, mutual demonstration of love between husband and wife.
Regret is the cancer of life. You cannot change the past. I hope you are still in counseling because it will help you to forgive yourself for your mistake.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who feels taken advantage of by my neighbor, "Tammy."
I baby-sat for her. But when it came time to pay me the $20 she owed me, Tammy said she didn't have the cash on her and promised to pay me the next day. Well, she never did. Recently Tammy told me she'd pay me for dog sitting. She still owes me that money, too.
I am sick of doing jobs for her without getting anything in return. Am I selfish for not wanting to help Tammy any more? Is it wrong to expect to be paid at the end of the job? Or should I let things slide and think of it as pure generosity? -- UNPAID HELP IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR UNPAID: No, you should not let it slide. Your neighbor is taking advantage of your youth and inexperience. The next time she asks to hire you, make it clear that until she makes good on the money she owes you, you are not available.
DEAR ABBY: We've included our 2 1/2-year-old child's voice on our answering machine greeting. Recently an attorney advised us against this because of all the weirdos out there.
What is the safest message to put on an answering machine these days? -- CONCERNED PARENTS
DEAR CONCERNED: An adult male voice should say, "Please leave your name, number, the time and date that you called and a brief message, and we will get back to you."
Full Figured Girl Must Learn to Choose the Right Clothes
DEAR ABBY: I would like to reassure "Darlene in Dallas," the 12-year-old girl who is looking for ways to make boys realize she is more than her ample bustline. I feel her pain. I have been full-busted most of my life, beginning with a DD prior to high school and continuing up from there.
As an image consultant, I advise my clients how to dress for a particular effect.
First, she should not be ashamed of her figure. She is special and beautiful -- and not just because she is well-endowed. She doesn't need to wear tents, but she should choose tops that skim the body rather than tight or low-cut garments that accentuate her cleavage.
Interesting jewelry, hair clips or headbands will draw the eye upward to her face and take the emphasis away from her chest.
If she has shapely legs, she should wear skirts and pants with funky patterns. That, too, will draw the eye away from the bustline.
And above all, she should learn to love herself. I wish her my best. She is not alone. -- DIANE D., NORWICH, CONN.
DEAR DIANE D.: Bless you for lending your expertise. A number of readers responded to that letter with helpful suggestions. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Tell her to buy some "birth control glasses." A pair of unflattering glasses will stop any boy dead in his tracks. My sister got a pair of nonprescription glasses for that very reason. -- WALLY IN AUSTIN
DEAR WALLY: Really? My mother used to say that men who DON'T make passes at girls who wear glasses are asses. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Darlene in Dallas" to ask her mother or another adult to take her to a lingerie store for a proper brassiere fitting. There are bras specifically designed to minimize a woman's size. Good support is a necessity for large-breasted girls and women to prevent back, shoulder and tissue/nerve damage. I know this from experience. -- BEEN THERE, TOO
DEAR B.T.T.: What a great suggestion. I'm sorry I didn't think of it.
DEAR ABBY: I must take issue with your response to the 12-year-old girl who wants boys to like her for who she is and not because of her big bust. You suggested she "impress them with attributes she wants them to notice ..."
A 12-year-old wants to attract boys, and you want to give her a healthier way to do it. As a psychologist who works with children and adolescents, I have seen firsthand the devastating consequences of sexual behavior in those who are so young. That girl should focus on developing interests other than boys. She should explore her talents, get involved in helping others through volunteer work, participate in sports, spend time with her girlfriends, talk to her brother, father, pastor or rabbi -- anything other than worry about better ways to attract boys. -- Ph.D. IN YORBA LINDA, CALIF.
DEAR Ph.D.: I agree that ideally Darlene should be encouraged to focus her attention on developing her talents and personality. However, at 12 she IS receiving attention from boys, and she needs to learn how to handle it NOW.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old woman with a colorful past. During college, I had flings with about a dozen men while I was in a long-distance relationship with "Michael." I was not mature enough to break up with Michael or to restrain myself, but I have accepted my past mistakes and moved on.
I have been married to "John" for more than two years. We have a monogamous relationship and I take my wedding vows seriously.
We argue all the time, and John throws my past in my face every time we have a dispute -- especially if we are arguing about sex. He says things like, "You sure liked having sex with all those other guys," or, "You must be getting busy with someone else since you're not interested in me tonight." John believes that because I cheated on Michael years ago that I'll cheat, or have cheated, on him, too.
John thinks that until I show remorse for my past, we will never get over it. I am sick of having my past thrown in my face and sick of apologizing for it. (Apparently an apology isn't remorse enough.)
In less than a month, we will be in his sister's wedding, and I don't want to fake a happy marriage.
John will not agree to counseling nor can we afford it. I don't like thinking this, but I feel emotionally abused. Please help. -- THE GHOST OF COLLEGE PAST
DEAR GHOST: Much as we might wish to, none of us can change the past. Mature individuals apologize to those they may have hurt and then incorporate the lessons they have learned into their present behavior.
Punishing you for what happened years ago serves no purpose and could be considered verbal abuse. Unless your husband can overcome his insecurity, bury the past and stop taking potshots at you, your libido will continue to wither and your marriage won't survive.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for two years to the most wonderful woman. However, we have not yet consummated our marriage. She insists on living with her mother. I think it's because of the many terrible things her mother has told her about men and sex.
I am at the end of my rope. I am married, but not married, to the greatest woman on Earth. What do I do? -- UNCONSUMMATED IN KOREA
DEAR UNCONSUMMATED: Talk to the clergyperson who married you. Then talk to a lawyer. From my perspective, the relationship you have described is not only NOT a marriage but also may be grounds for an annulment.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I live in New York. Her mother sent my aunt, who lives in California, a bridal shower invitation.
My mother thinks it was a flagrant solicitation for a gift. My aunt can't afford multiple trips from coast-to-coast and will now most likely feel obligated to send a gift.
We say, it's only an invitation. We weren't looking for a gift, and we didn't want to leave anyone out.
Who's right? -- SOON-TO-BE-MARRIED GROOM
DEAR GROOM: Your mother. When a shower invitation is received by someone who realistically isn't expected to attend, the person usually feels he or she is being "soaked" for a gift. (And they're usually right.)
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)