To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man I'll call Ben for five months. He recently quit his job to go back to school full time (he's 29), and I support him financially. Things were fine until he started hanging out with some college kids who live next door to us.
When Ben and I are alone or around his adult friends, things are fine. But when he gets around these fellow students, which is often, Ben mocks me in front of them. For example, when I go next door to tell him dinner is ready, he'll start making fun of me in a really embarrassing and juvenile way.
I know it may be fun for him to relive his college days, but being made to look like a fool in front of his buddies is starting to wear thin.
I have discussed this with him. He insists that he's just playing around (even though I wind up in tears), and says that I'm too controlling, this is his only life, and he's only having fun.
Is this something he's going to grow out of? -- TIRED OF BEING THE JOKE
DEAR TIRED: Not without help. What you're describing isn't immaturity; it's hostility. You say you are supporting him while he attends school full time. Perhaps the burden of gratitude has grown uncomfortably heavy, so he's taking it out on you and trying to make himself look less dependent in front of his schoolmates. He could also be using you. Regardless of his motive, he is showing disregard for your feelings. Put your foot down now or it will get worse.
DEAR ABBY: My parents and my older brother, "Mike," cannot get along. To make matters worse, my sister-in-law, "Janice," is holding the children for ransom from my parents until they resolve their differences with Mike.
Abby, my parents have tried many times to reconcile, but it always blows up into a huge argument where nothing is resolved.
My sister and I feel stuck in the middle. Since my parents are denied their grandchildren, I feel guilty for having a relationship with my nieces and nephew.
They are all so stubborn, and it's tearing our family apart. What can I do? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR STUCK: Why should your nieces and nephew lose their aunts because of the inability of the parents and grandparents to make peace in the family? Please don't make your parents' problems your own. Forget the guilt and see the children.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been supporting a man for the last nine months. So far he has given him a house, a $6,000 truck and has paid all of his bills.
I went away for a week, and when I came back, I found this man in my house. What do I do? -- WONDERING IN UTAH
DEAR WONDERING: First, ask your husband what his relationship is with this man, and why he is being so generous. Does he owe this person a debt? Are they lovers? If his answers don't satisfy you, consult a lawyer before all the assets are depleted.
FIGHT FOR SON'S SELF-ESTEEM TAKES TOLL ON MOM AT HOME
DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old son, "George," has a learning disability. I have to fight the school system to keep teachers from destroying his self-esteem. However, an even bigger problem is that my mother and my sister's boyfriend, "Tony," say cruel things to George.
Mother gives George a hard time because he won't try to read. I constantly tell her that he struggles hard to read, but doesn't comprehend what he's reading -- and it may never get better. Tony ridicules my son because he's a little overweight. How can I give George healthy self-esteem if others tear it down?
I also have a problem with the way Mother and Tony treat my 13-year-old daughter, "Allison." Allison is a tomboy who doesn't like to wear dresses. She prefers baggy clothes. She is a good kid. She's not into drugs, alcohol or sex. Mother berates her for not looking "like a lady," and Tony calls her a lesbian.
I hate to keep my children from seeing my mother or my sister, but it has reached the point where neither George nor Allison wants anything to do with them. How should I handle these so-called "loved ones" without starting a major war? -- MOM OF WONDERFUL CHILDREN IN INDIANA
DEAR MOM: As a parent, it is your job to protect your children and to act as their advocate. If you haven't done so, tell your mother and your sister's boyfriend that their name-calling is destructive and you want it stopped immediately. If they refuse, distance yourself and the children from their painful and abusive influence. Remember, your first obligation is to your children -- not your mother, and certainly not Tony.
DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a man who limits his social life to our relatives and me. That makes it very difficult for me to enjoy my own pursuits. When I want to go out, I have to give my husband a good reason and tell him every detail.
I invite him to movies and dinners out, but he's never interested. I try not to keep secrets from him, but I've reached the point where I feel like rebelling against his control.
It's wonderful that he loves to spend time with me, but I believe all couples require some outside interests and friends to maintain a balanced life. We've been together four years and were married last summer.
Is there any way to overcome these issues? -- MARRIED TO A CLINGING MAN
DEAR MARRIED: Yes. Marital counseling for both of you -- before he smothers you completely.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl who looks much older than my age. When older guys see me, they think that because I look 18, I must be 18. They don't believe me when I tell them my age. Some of them don't even care.
How do I get them to leave me alone? -- LOOKS 18 IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LOOKS 18: It's not hard. After you tell them you are only 13, if they persist, ask them, "Have you ever heard the word 'harassment'?"
If that doesn't discourage them, tell them your mother is very familiar with the word, and if they don't leave you alone, you'll tell HER they're harassing you.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HOUSE CLUTTER MAY DISGUISE PROBLEMS THAT RUN DEEPER
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been working out of the country for almost a year. Since he's been gone, I have turned into a housekeeping slob. I have a demanding job where I pick up the slack for missing personnel. I am one of a few musicians at church on Sundays. In addition, I'm struggling with a chronic back problem. I'm overwhelmed.
Cleaning the house has taken a back seat to all the other things I do, and now it is full of clutter. It's out of control.
Most of the time I feel like I don't care. How can I get out of this slump? I feel guilty when I watch my neighbors taking care of their homes. Please help me get going. -- NOT MOTIVATED IN ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR NOT: Has it occurred to you that you might be depressed by your husband's long absence? The first thing to do is schedule an appointment with your physician for a complete check-up and a frank talk. Once that's done, ask a friend or two if they'll help you with the house over a weekend. Treat them to dinner and a movie afterward. Of course, for the same amount of money, you could probably hire someone to help you, but enlisting the help of friends would be more fun. And from my perspective, contact with friends is what you need right now. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: There is a husband and wife in our church who drive everyone crazy. We live in a small rural area and most of our congregation are simple, modest folk.
These people live in a neighboring town in a very pretentious, affluent neighborhood. They drive an expensive SUV and are extravagant in everything they do. Their children misbehave often, and the whole family acts like they're better than everyone else. They are all spoiled, lacking in discipline, and seem to have behavior or emotional problems. Despite their bravado, they don't realize that everybody can see through them.
Maybe if you remind these individuals that God can see them, whether they are in church or not, they'll know they aren't fooling anyone. -- MISERABLE METHODIST IN NEW YORK
DEAR MISERABLE METHODIST: God can see you, too. And he has asked me to relay this message: "Happy are they who tend to their own gardens and waste not their time complaining about their neighbors' shortcomings."
DEAR ABBY: For three years in high school, I was sexually harassed by a boy I'll call "Tim." When he graduated, I thought my troubles were over. They're not. Due to a disability, I will not be going away to college. Tim is not going away for the same reason. We will both be attending the same community college.
I have contacted the head of security at the college and will be speaking to him soon.
How do I keep Tim from destroying my dignity like he did in high school? I am terrified of him. -- FEARFUL IN OHIO
DEAR FEARFUL: First of all, let's hope this young man has matured past the point where he would harass you. Neither of you are children anymore.
You are doing the right thing to take your concerns to the head of security. If that fails to resolve the problem, document any and all incidents and promptly report the harassment to the police department.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)