Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Friendly Little Poker Game Brings Big Bucks for Hosts
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Wilma," recently purchased a house with her husband, "Ken." They frequently host "poker nights" and invite quite a few other friends -- and friends of friends.
Since Wilma is presently unemployed, she has instituted a new policy for the games: Everyone must donate a percentage of their winnings to the house. This has offended quite a few of the players. Many of us have offered to bring snacks, drinks, etc., but the donation rule stands and is very much in effect.
May I add that Ken was shocked when Wilma asked for the money. How can we confront her without coming across as rude? -- CONCERNED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONCERNED: Why are you worried about offending someone who is extorting money from you? I don't know how many people participate in these "poker nights," but with a percentage of every hand going to the house, Wilma must be making a tidy sum. It shouldn't be necessary to "confront her." If I were you, I'd alternate hosting these games among the participants.
DEAR ABBY: My father, who is still living, sexually abused me for six or seven years during my childhood. That was 21 years ago. I believe he has gotten help for his "problem" and won't harm anyone else, but I can't be sure. I have talked to Dad about it, and he says he would never hurt anyone like that again, that what he did was very wrong, and he's sorry he ever hurt me.
About six years ago, another family member asked me if I had been sexually abused, and I told her no at the urging of my parents and my husband. She and I both have children. I allow my son to stay with Dad, but not my daughter. The other family member has sons who stay with Dad occasionally.
I feel guilty for not telling her the truth. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her kids because I lied. Should I speak up and let the chips fall where they may, even though it could hurt a lot of people? Or should I just be quiet and observe? It has taken a lot of courage to write this letter, and your advice would be appreciated. -- UNSURE IN THE PRAIRIES
DEAR UNSURE: Has it occurred to you that your relative asked you that question because your father had also abused her? Asking someone if a parent has abused her (or him) is not something that ordinarily comes up in conversation for no reason. Yes, you should definitely level with her -- and then listen to what she has to say. You owe it to her and the children to be honest.
P.S. Child molesters have been known to abuse children of both genders, so don't procrastinate.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and have been in love with "Rob" ever since I was in fifth grade. I never felt good enough for him. Now that we're in college, I finally expressed my feelings, and we are starting a relationship. My only problem is people tell me that being with Rob is wrong because my sister is married to his first cousin. Is there some kind of rule that being together is taboo? -- CONFUSED IN AMERICAN SAMOA
DEAR CONFUSED: Not that I ever heard of. You and Rob are not blood relatives, and I know of no taboo against marrying him should you both decide to tie the knot.
NEVER TAKE THE BAIT DANGLED BY ONLINE 'PHISHING' SCAMS
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Eugene in N.J." about a letter he received saying that he was "the sole beneficiary of a $12 million estate." He said he responded by sending them information on a bank account that he "no longer does business with, but had a $2.83 balance remaining." That was the wrong move!
Now the thieves have his name, address and account number. It doesn't matter if the account was closed or open -- thieves counterfeit checks using the information he gave them. Scans such as "Eugene" described are a common way identity thieves gather information. Unfortunately, the actions he took in his anger and frustration have exposed him to identity theft. It is important to understand that e-mail scams are sent out to millions of people. If you answer -- even to say stop writing -- you will be put on a "sucker" list.
Some common scams people need to avoid:
(1) No company is going to call or e-mail you to verify an account, ask for your Social Security number, or any bank or credit card numbers, PERIOD! This is called "phishing." Account verification scams look very real, but are ALL scams. Do not answer them no matter how convinced you are that it is a real company.
(2) You have NOT won a lottery in the Netherlands, or Canada, or anywhere else, if you didn't first buy a ticket here in the U.S.A.
(3) Question any company that offers you a prize, but asks for a fee or your Social Security number, and verify the existence of that company through the Better Business Bureau, and confirm independently that the prize is real.
(4) A stranger did not die and leave you money.
(5) The Nigerian scam has now morphed into a creative writing exercise about all kinds of people needing your help to transfer money from one account to another. This practice is called money laundering, and it is illegal.
(6) You may also be telephone-scammed with similar offers. Be on the alert for suspicious callers, and never give out your Social Security number or a credit card number to anyone who calls you.
Thank you, Abby, for helping your readers to understand how thieves steal a person's identity. -- LINDA FOLEY, CO-EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, IDENTITY THEFT RESOURCE CENTER
DEAR LINDA: Thank you for sharing this valuable information with my readers and me. Readers, my experts tell me the only safe way to deal with a scam is to either hit the "delete" key, or forward it to the Federal Trade Commission at spam(at)uce.gov and THEN delete it. As tempting as it may seem, do not engage any of the scammers in a dialogue.
The Identity Theft Resource Center is a nonprofit program, based in San Diego, that is grant- and donation-funded. Its mission is to help victims of identity theft and consumers. For further information on scams, including examples of common scams, visit the Web site at www.idtheftcenter.org.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF IN TUCSON, ARIZ.": Don't be so hard on yourself. Even a clock that isn't working is right twice a day.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: A promise I made to my child is tearing me apart. My 7-year-old son, "Lyle," has been talking a lot about death. A while back, we were in the car and he brought the subject up again. He said how sad he would be in heaven alone, and asked that should anything ever happen to him, if I would go with him. I promised that I would, and it seemed to make him feel much better. We talked about how we would fly down to Earth and touch our loved ones to give them comfort, even though they would never see us.
That promise I made is killing me now, because, God forbid if something bad did happen to Lyle, I could never go with him. I have four other children who need me. I'm afraid if I take back the promise that gave my son so much comfort, it will upset him. Also, I need to know why, at his tender age, Lyle is talking so much about death. Is this normal? Sometimes it scares me. -- TORN MOTHER IN VERMONT
DEAR TORN MOTHER: Do not "take back" the promise. Your son was asking for reassurance that you would never leave him, and you gave it to him. Because you are concerned about this preoccupation with death, gently try to draw him out when he brings it up again. If you are not satisfied with his responses, enlist the aid of a child psychologist.
DEAR Abby: I dated "Carter" for five months. During that time, he bought me all kinds of presents, from flowers to tires for my car. I never asked Carter for anything. In fact, I told him twice that there were "too many presents." He responded that I was insulting him, and told me I should just accept them graciously and say thank you.
I tried to reciprocate by doing things for him. I would cook him dinner every time he came over, and give him fresh produce from our garden. I even loaned Carter my car when his was in the shop.
Now that we are broken up, he is demanding that I return all his gifts and pay him $300 for the tires or he will sue me. (I have proof they were gifts, and given with love.) I feel Carter is wrong. Should I give him back the things and pay him? -- SORRY I EVER MET HIM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SORRY: Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as she (or he) wishes. However, in this case, since you now know they were intended as strings to bind you to him, it might be better to return them and be rid of him once and for all.
P.S. He can sue you if he wishes, but whether he could WIN is another matter. I hope for his sake he won't decide to try.
DEAR ABBY: I was having a snack in a restaurant a few days ago. A mother and her two young children were sitting at the next table. The younger child -- a boy about 3 -- picked up the salt shaker and licked the top of it. The mother instructed the older child to take the salt shaker to an unoccupied table and exchange it for another salt shaker.
Should I have spoken to her about it, or taken it off the other table myself and turned it over to an employee? I feel I should have done something, but I didn't. -- FEELING GUILTY, KILGORE, TEXAS
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: You should have informed your server or the manager of the restaurant about what you saw, so the item could have been removed and sanitized. And shame on that mother for what she was teaching her older child. Mother of the year, she's not.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)