CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A Merry Christmas to you, one and all.
Widow's 'Soul Mate' Is Not Ready for One Commitment
DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow in my mid-60s -- attractive, petite and active. I hate being alone. I have a friend I'll call Barney who is in his 70s. Barney's a wonderful dancer and a polished gentleman. We've known each other for 10 years.
About a year ago, our friendship evolved to the next level. We became intimate. I fell in love with Barney and thought I had finally found my soul mate.
Last month, I asked this wonderful man if he was looking for a committed relationship. Barney's answer shocked me. He said he didn't want to fall in love because he'd been hurt too many times. Then he told me he is also in a relationship with someone else! I was devastated. I cried all the way home. Barney still calls every day and invites me out. When I hear his voice, I melt.
My best friend, "Bea," is having a 60th birthday party next week. She has just informed me that Barney is coming and bringing his girlfriend! Abby, the only reason Bea invited Barney is that she and I both thought he'd bring me. I'd like to call him and ask him not to come and embarrass me. Or should I just stay home? I really need advice. -- HEARTSICK IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR HEARTSICK: Your "soul mate" either suffers from a sensitivity deficiency, or he's trying to send you a message: "Don't count on him, because he has a girlfriend." I sympathize with your disappointment, but don't let it stop you from attending the party. While you're there, get the lady's phone number and invite her for coffee. She might be interested to know how much the both of you have in common.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14. My friend, "Heidi," is well-endowed. Yesterday, she told me her stepdad pulls on her shirt so he can look down it. He says he doesn't mean anything by it, but it makes Heidi really uncomfortable. She has told her mom, but her mom just says he's not doing it on purpose, and ignores it. What should I do? Should I tell someone, or let her and her family settle it? -- SHOCKED IN FAYETTEVILLE, N.C.
DEAR SHOCKED: By ignoring it, Heidi's mother is allowing it to continue. The first thing to do is tell your mother what's going on. Then urge your friend to speak to a trusted teacher or counselor at school about what her stepfather is doing. They are mandated to report it. Go with Heidi for moral support if necessary. Her safety depends on it, because the girl's stepfather's behavior is extremely inappropriate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who sweats abnormally. I can be sitting in class and my underarms are drenched, which is embarrassing because it can be seen through clothing. My hands and feet are always moist, and my nose often has beads of sweat.
Please help me. I'm not sure what to do. -- EMBARRASSED TEEN IN DALLAS
DEAR EMBARRASSED: You may have a condition called hyperhidrosis (overactive sweat glands). Your pharmacist can recommend a special anti-perspirant that will help -- or, alternatively, ask your mom to schedule an appointment for you with a dermatologist. There are therapies for it. Good luck.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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Woman Made Right Decision to Cut Mom Out of Her Life
DEAR ABBY: From the time that my father left -- I was 8 -- until I was thrown out of the house at 16, my mother was seriously emotionally abusive and neglectful. She frequently called me filthy names, made bizarre accusations that had no basis in truth, told me I was a "mistake," threatened me, publicly humiliated and belittled me.
I am now in my mid-20s and have had no contact with my mother for three years. My older brother is in denial about the abuse and insists that I forgive her and rebuild our relationship. He claims that she's sorry and she misses me.
I recently traveled back to my hometown and visited my mother. She treated me as though I were a stranger. Afterward, I felt that I could move on, knowing I had done the right thing in deciding to cut her out of my life. Now the rest of the family has turned their backs on me. I would like to maintain a personal relationship with them, but they think I'm a bad person for no longer having a relationship with my mother. Do you have any advice? -- LEFT IN THE COLD IN DULUTH
DEAR LEFT IN THE COLD: Only this: If the price of having a relationship with your family is tolerating their emotional blackmail and more abuse from your mother, the price is too high.
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, we moved into a beautiful new housing development. Neighbors on the street behind us keep their puppy penned up outside day and night in all kinds of weather. Occasionally we see one of their neighbors walk the dog, but other than that, it seems the dog's existence is limited to a cement pad covered in you-know-what.
We would rather not call the homeowners' association or the Humane Society, as these neighbors seem like decent people. However, it is upsetting our small children, as well as my husband and me, to hear the poor animal cry. We can't imagine spending the next 10 years like this. What do you recommend we do? -- CANINE LOVERS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CANINE LOVERS: Although you would rather not, for the puppy's sake, pick up the phone and contact the homeowners' association and the Humane Society. You'll be doing the neglected creature -- and yourselves -- a favor. The owners of that poor animal have no idea how to properly care for a dog. The Humane Society will instruct them on the proper care of their furry family member.
DEAR ABBY: My 2-year-old is in a private home day care. Occasionally he makes a mess on the carpet or breaks a toy. When it happens, the day-care provider is quick to point out the price of the cleaning or replacement, and I usually offer her $20 in compensation. However, she expects me to pay at least half for my child's accidents.
Since this is a private home, is it appropriate to assume I'll pay for these incidents on top of the weekly fee? -- IN NEED OF DAY-CARE ETIQUETTE
DEAR IN NEED: The fees you pay the day-care provider should cover the cost of the toys -- they are a part of her cost of doing business. It is interesting that your day-care provider has her charges playing on her carpets, and not in an area that is easier to keep clean and sanitized. Is this person a licensed and insured day-care provider? If she is not, it's time to give some serious consideration to what might happen if your child were injured on her property. Readers, what do you think of this?
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Verbal Abuse Stops Only After He Leaves for Good
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Beaten Down in Oklahoma," who said that although she had a history of severe depression, her verbally abusive husband refused to allow her to get medication "because he didn't believe in it." He told her she was "worthless" and said he only kept her around so he could be near the kids. That letter could have been written by me five years ago.
I was nine years into a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I heard the same things from my husband. And afterward, when he was trying to make up, he too always said he "didn't mean it."
Well, it turned out he did mean it. Once he found his next victim -- a younger woman -- he walked out. As he left, he announced it was because everything he'd said had been the truth. I was ugly, fat, worthless, lousy in bed, and he'd only stayed because he wanted to be around the kids.
You should have advised "Beaten Down" to see a lawyer in addition to a counselor, while she still has a shred of self-esteem. Following my divorce, I got counseling. Once I felt better about myself, I met a wonderful man. We're married now. I wish I could give "Beaten Down" a hug, because she's not alone. She's in my prayers. -- FULL OF HOPE IN GEORGIA
DEAR FULL OF HOPE: I heard from many readers who identified with that letter and felt it was important for her to break away. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A husband who tells his wife she's worthless and stupid is using verbal abuse to wear her down and control her. Marriage counseling and psychiatrists won't help. The man has low self-esteem and tries to make himself appear powerful and intelligent by making his wife feel inadequate. Every day she stays with him is far more harmful to the children than taking them and leaving. Abuse is not always physical. She needs to get out BEFORE it becomes physical. -- DIANE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DIANE: It's true; children model their behavior on what they're exposed to.
DEAR ABBY: As a clinical social worker and therapist with a strong background in the field of domestic violence, I must comment on your response to "Beaten Down in Oklahoma." Your suggestion of marital counseling is not recommended in such situations. It can render the victims more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation after they leave the counselor's office.
Your suggestion of going alone and building her own strength is helpful. Contacting her local domestic violence organization for support is also recommended. -- LSCW IN MAINE
DEAR LSCW: Thank you for the input. The toll-free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233.
DEAR ABBY: Too many times during my 24 years as a paramedic I have seen the end result on a spouse or a child by someone who crossed the line from verbal to physical abuse. "Beaten Down" should indeed get counseling, but first it is imperative that she secure a safe place for herself and her children. More than her mental health could be at stake. -- EMT IN CINCINNATI
DEAR EMT: I've got the message -- and I'm sure my readers will, too.
DEAR ABBY: Have you ever wondered where your readers come up with aliases they give to the people in their questions? I have. I have always suspected they were names they wanted to give their kids, but didn't. How do you think they come up with them? -- PONDERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PONDERING: I come up with them!
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