What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Made Right Decision to Cut Mom Out of Her Life
DEAR ABBY: From the time that my father left -- I was 8 -- until I was thrown out of the house at 16, my mother was seriously emotionally abusive and neglectful. She frequently called me filthy names, made bizarre accusations that had no basis in truth, told me I was a "mistake," threatened me, publicly humiliated and belittled me.
I am now in my mid-20s and have had no contact with my mother for three years. My older brother is in denial about the abuse and insists that I forgive her and rebuild our relationship. He claims that she's sorry and she misses me.
I recently traveled back to my hometown and visited my mother. She treated me as though I were a stranger. Afterward, I felt that I could move on, knowing I had done the right thing in deciding to cut her out of my life. Now the rest of the family has turned their backs on me. I would like to maintain a personal relationship with them, but they think I'm a bad person for no longer having a relationship with my mother. Do you have any advice? -- LEFT IN THE COLD IN DULUTH
DEAR LEFT IN THE COLD: Only this: If the price of having a relationship with your family is tolerating their emotional blackmail and more abuse from your mother, the price is too high.
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, we moved into a beautiful new housing development. Neighbors on the street behind us keep their puppy penned up outside day and night in all kinds of weather. Occasionally we see one of their neighbors walk the dog, but other than that, it seems the dog's existence is limited to a cement pad covered in you-know-what.
We would rather not call the homeowners' association or the Humane Society, as these neighbors seem like decent people. However, it is upsetting our small children, as well as my husband and me, to hear the poor animal cry. We can't imagine spending the next 10 years like this. What do you recommend we do? -- CANINE LOVERS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CANINE LOVERS: Although you would rather not, for the puppy's sake, pick up the phone and contact the homeowners' association and the Humane Society. You'll be doing the neglected creature -- and yourselves -- a favor. The owners of that poor animal have no idea how to properly care for a dog. The Humane Society will instruct them on the proper care of their furry family member.
DEAR ABBY: My 2-year-old is in a private home day care. Occasionally he makes a mess on the carpet or breaks a toy. When it happens, the day-care provider is quick to point out the price of the cleaning or replacement, and I usually offer her $20 in compensation. However, she expects me to pay at least half for my child's accidents.
Since this is a private home, is it appropriate to assume I'll pay for these incidents on top of the weekly fee? -- IN NEED OF DAY-CARE ETIQUETTE
DEAR IN NEED: The fees you pay the day-care provider should cover the cost of the toys -- they are a part of her cost of doing business. It is interesting that your day-care provider has her charges playing on her carpets, and not in an area that is easier to keep clean and sanitized. Is this person a licensed and insured day-care provider? If she is not, it's time to give some serious consideration to what might happen if your child were injured on her property. Readers, what do you think of this?
Husband's Verbal Abuse Stops Only After He Leaves for Good
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Beaten Down in Oklahoma," who said that although she had a history of severe depression, her verbally abusive husband refused to allow her to get medication "because he didn't believe in it." He told her she was "worthless" and said he only kept her around so he could be near the kids. That letter could have been written by me five years ago.
I was nine years into a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I heard the same things from my husband. And afterward, when he was trying to make up, he too always said he "didn't mean it."
Well, it turned out he did mean it. Once he found his next victim -- a younger woman -- he walked out. As he left, he announced it was because everything he'd said had been the truth. I was ugly, fat, worthless, lousy in bed, and he'd only stayed because he wanted to be around the kids.
You should have advised "Beaten Down" to see a lawyer in addition to a counselor, while she still has a shred of self-esteem. Following my divorce, I got counseling. Once I felt better about myself, I met a wonderful man. We're married now. I wish I could give "Beaten Down" a hug, because she's not alone. She's in my prayers. -- FULL OF HOPE IN GEORGIA
DEAR FULL OF HOPE: I heard from many readers who identified with that letter and felt it was important for her to break away. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A husband who tells his wife she's worthless and stupid is using verbal abuse to wear her down and control her. Marriage counseling and psychiatrists won't help. The man has low self-esteem and tries to make himself appear powerful and intelligent by making his wife feel inadequate. Every day she stays with him is far more harmful to the children than taking them and leaving. Abuse is not always physical. She needs to get out BEFORE it becomes physical. -- DIANE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DIANE: It's true; children model their behavior on what they're exposed to.
DEAR ABBY: As a clinical social worker and therapist with a strong background in the field of domestic violence, I must comment on your response to "Beaten Down in Oklahoma." Your suggestion of marital counseling is not recommended in such situations. It can render the victims more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation after they leave the counselor's office.
Your suggestion of going alone and building her own strength is helpful. Contacting her local domestic violence organization for support is also recommended. -- LSCW IN MAINE
DEAR LSCW: Thank you for the input. The toll-free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233.
DEAR ABBY: Too many times during my 24 years as a paramedic I have seen the end result on a spouse or a child by someone who crossed the line from verbal to physical abuse. "Beaten Down" should indeed get counseling, but first it is imperative that she secure a safe place for herself and her children. More than her mental health could be at stake. -- EMT IN CINCINNATI
DEAR EMT: I've got the message -- and I'm sure my readers will, too.
DEAR ABBY: Have you ever wondered where your readers come up with aliases they give to the people in their questions? I have. I have always suspected they were names they wanted to give their kids, but didn't. How do you think they come up with them? -- PONDERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PONDERING: I come up with them!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO TROOPS EASE THEIR BURDEN OF DUTY
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Although I know you're busy beyond belief preparing for the holidays, please take a minute to go to your computers and send greetings to our troops. This is the loneliest time of the year for these brave young men and women, many of whom are away from their families for the first time. Type in www.OperationDearAbby.net and let them know we care.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. I have always had fantasies about exposing my wife naked to other men. "Hazel" is a deep sleeper, and in college, I exposed her countless times for my roommates to see. (I pretended to be asleep.) From the time we were married, I took pictures of her while she slept, including many extremely graphic close-ups. I posted a good number of them (including the close-ups) on Internet porn sites, making no attempt to blur her face, which would have ruined it for me. The thought of countless men seeing her excited me. I looked forward to reading the comments about her pictures. I saved each porn site photo spread of her into a file on my computer and viewed them often.
Well, my wife found the file. We are now in marriage counseling, but I still have the fantasies. I know what I did was wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't want to lose my wife. Please help. -- ASHAMED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ASHAMED: You need more help than I can give you in a letter. You violated your wife's trust, treated her like an object, and while I applaud the fact that you are getting marriage counseling, counseling of a different sort is also in order. Please ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist ASAP, and pray your wife can forgive you.
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker has planned his own retirement dinner party at $45 a head, including tax and gratuity. That might not be much to managers and supervisors who receive large salaries, but for those of us who don't, that's a lot of money. What's ironic is he has let us know he expects an additional $10 from each of us for a gift.
A luncheon date with 90 percent of the staff had already been confirmed. However, yesterday a flier was distributed announcing a dinner on the same date the luncheon was scheduled. Our lunch date was canceled without consulting us. I suspect it was a maneuver to force us to attend the dinner party.
We asked him to reschedule the lunch, told him the dinner party was too expensive, and asked if he would make the $10 gift optional. Are we unreasonable, or is he? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. He is. Please don't allow yourselves to be manipulated into spending more than you can afford on this anything BUT shy and retiring co-worker.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my boss that her incessant talking keeps me from getting my job done? I am currently a week behind because I was out sick for several days last week, and my boss won't stop talking and let me catch up.
She isn't married and doesn't have many friends, so I know her need for friendship carries over to work -- but it's starting to make me very stressed. Then again, she's my boss. How do I deal with this? -- FALLING BEHIND IN ALABAMA
DEAR FALLING BEHIND: Your boss may not be aware the extent to which you have fallen behind in your work, so tell her -- especially if you are doing something that might be time-sensitive. Explain that you are conscientious and don't want to let her down -- and if she wants to talk, suggest you do it over lunch. Then cross your fingers and hope she takes you up on it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)