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Husband's Verbal Abuse Stops Only After He Leaves for Good
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Beaten Down in Oklahoma," who said that although she had a history of severe depression, her verbally abusive husband refused to allow her to get medication "because he didn't believe in it." He told her she was "worthless" and said he only kept her around so he could be near the kids. That letter could have been written by me five years ago.
I was nine years into a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. I heard the same things from my husband. And afterward, when he was trying to make up, he too always said he "didn't mean it."
Well, it turned out he did mean it. Once he found his next victim -- a younger woman -- he walked out. As he left, he announced it was because everything he'd said had been the truth. I was ugly, fat, worthless, lousy in bed, and he'd only stayed because he wanted to be around the kids.
You should have advised "Beaten Down" to see a lawyer in addition to a counselor, while she still has a shred of self-esteem. Following my divorce, I got counseling. Once I felt better about myself, I met a wonderful man. We're married now. I wish I could give "Beaten Down" a hug, because she's not alone. She's in my prayers. -- FULL OF HOPE IN GEORGIA
DEAR FULL OF HOPE: I heard from many readers who identified with that letter and felt it was important for her to break away. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A husband who tells his wife she's worthless and stupid is using verbal abuse to wear her down and control her. Marriage counseling and psychiatrists won't help. The man has low self-esteem and tries to make himself appear powerful and intelligent by making his wife feel inadequate. Every day she stays with him is far more harmful to the children than taking them and leaving. Abuse is not always physical. She needs to get out BEFORE it becomes physical. -- DIANE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DIANE: It's true; children model their behavior on what they're exposed to.
DEAR ABBY: As a clinical social worker and therapist with a strong background in the field of domestic violence, I must comment on your response to "Beaten Down in Oklahoma." Your suggestion of marital counseling is not recommended in such situations. It can render the victims more vulnerable to abuse and manipulation after they leave the counselor's office.
Your suggestion of going alone and building her own strength is helpful. Contacting her local domestic violence organization for support is also recommended. -- LSCW IN MAINE
DEAR LSCW: Thank you for the input. The toll-free number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233.
DEAR ABBY: Too many times during my 24 years as a paramedic I have seen the end result on a spouse or a child by someone who crossed the line from verbal to physical abuse. "Beaten Down" should indeed get counseling, but first it is imperative that she secure a safe place for herself and her children. More than her mental health could be at stake. -- EMT IN CINCINNATI
DEAR EMT: I've got the message -- and I'm sure my readers will, too.
DEAR ABBY: Have you ever wondered where your readers come up with aliases they give to the people in their questions? I have. I have always suspected they were names they wanted to give their kids, but didn't. How do you think they come up with them? -- PONDERING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PONDERING: I come up with them!
HOLIDAY GREETINGS TO TROOPS EASE THEIR BURDEN OF DUTY
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Although I know you're busy beyond belief preparing for the holidays, please take a minute to go to your computers and send greetings to our troops. This is the loneliest time of the year for these brave young men and women, many of whom are away from their families for the first time. Type in www.OperationDearAbby.net and let them know we care.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. I have always had fantasies about exposing my wife naked to other men. "Hazel" is a deep sleeper, and in college, I exposed her countless times for my roommates to see. (I pretended to be asleep.) From the time we were married, I took pictures of her while she slept, including many extremely graphic close-ups. I posted a good number of them (including the close-ups) on Internet porn sites, making no attempt to blur her face, which would have ruined it for me. The thought of countless men seeing her excited me. I looked forward to reading the comments about her pictures. I saved each porn site photo spread of her into a file on my computer and viewed them often.
Well, my wife found the file. We are now in marriage counseling, but I still have the fantasies. I know what I did was wrong, but I did it anyway. I don't want to lose my wife. Please help. -- ASHAMED IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ASHAMED: You need more help than I can give you in a letter. You violated your wife's trust, treated her like an object, and while I applaud the fact that you are getting marriage counseling, counseling of a different sort is also in order. Please ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist ASAP, and pray your wife can forgive you.
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker has planned his own retirement dinner party at $45 a head, including tax and gratuity. That might not be much to managers and supervisors who receive large salaries, but for those of us who don't, that's a lot of money. What's ironic is he has let us know he expects an additional $10 from each of us for a gift.
A luncheon date with 90 percent of the staff had already been confirmed. However, yesterday a flier was distributed announcing a dinner on the same date the luncheon was scheduled. Our lunch date was canceled without consulting us. I suspect it was a maneuver to force us to attend the dinner party.
We asked him to reschedule the lunch, told him the dinner party was too expensive, and asked if he would make the $10 gift optional. Are we unreasonable, or is he? -- WONDERING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR WONDERING: Wonder no more. He is. Please don't allow yourselves to be manipulated into spending more than you can afford on this anything BUT shy and retiring co-worker.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my boss that her incessant talking keeps me from getting my job done? I am currently a week behind because I was out sick for several days last week, and my boss won't stop talking and let me catch up.
She isn't married and doesn't have many friends, so I know her need for friendship carries over to work -- but it's starting to make me very stressed. Then again, she's my boss. How do I deal with this? -- FALLING BEHIND IN ALABAMA
DEAR FALLING BEHIND: Your boss may not be aware the extent to which you have fallen behind in your work, so tell her -- especially if you are doing something that might be time-sensitive. Explain that you are conscientious and don't want to let her down -- and if she wants to talk, suggest you do it over lunch. Then cross your fingers and hope she takes you up on it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN CAN LEND A HAND BUT NOT A DIME TO SPENDTHRIFT BROTHER
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Able but Unwilling in Alabama," whose mother and sister are urging him to "lend" money to his spendthrift brother. "Able" said he and his wife had always lived frugally and have saved diligently, while his brother and his wife lived far beyond their means. You responded that if "Able" was comfortable with his decision, he wouldn't have written to you.
He should stick to his guns. The brother and sister-in-law will be siphoning money from here to eternity. Just like an alcoholic, if you give money to folks like that, they'll take and take until the money is gone. I know -- I was one of those takers. I was never taught how to handle money.
I'll bet you get a lot of letters on that one, Abby!
-- HOPEFULLY DOING BETTER IN FLORIDA
DEAR DOING BETTER: You're right. I did get mail from readers who felt I should have encouraged the writer to stand firm. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It's time for that brother and his wife to grow up and learn to budget their own money. If "Able's" mother and sister aren't willing to put THEIR money where their mouths are, they should keep quiet. It never makes sense to loan money to a bottomless pit.
Strange, how "Able," the responsible son, is criticized, while the spendthrift, spoiled son runs to Mom and Sis to lay guilt and put pressure on the responsible brother. If the situation were reversed, would the big spender help his brother, I wonder? I don't think so. His selfish lifestyle should not be rewarded. The irresponsible brother should end the pity party and go to work! -- HARD-WORKING MOM IN PROVIDENCE, R.I.
DEAR HARD-WORKING MOM: More readers agreed with you than with me.
DEAR ABBY: The brother made his choices and is reaping the "rewards." If "Able" bails him out, it won't be a one-time thing. It will open the door to keep the money flowing. There is a children's story about the Little Red Hen. The little hen asked for help to plow the garden, plant the seed and pull the weeds. The rest of the farm animals refused. However, when it came time to eat the bread, they all wanted some. Little Red Hen then said "no," because they had done nothing to help.
It's the same with saving money; we go without to build savings to cover our needs in leaner times. -- BRENDA IN AURORA, COLO.
DEAR BRENDA: That's a lesson many people need to learn. Too many are living on credit and accruing a mountain of debt while trying to keep up with the Joneses.
DEAR ABBY: "Able" should insist that his mother and sister co-sign the loan he gives to his brother. That way, if the brother doesn't repay, then they must! But first, that free-spending brother should downsize his expensive house, replace his luxury cars with subcompacts, sell all items that have no sentimental value, and both husband and wife should get out and look for jobs.
It is possible to be supportive of the brother without "Able" handing him money and possibly putting his own retirement at risk. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, IN WASHINGTON
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)