To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Is Entitled to Share Assets of 35 Year Marriage
DEAR ABBY: You missed the mark with your advice to "Sad in the South," the woman who said she was miserable in her 35-year marriage to "Homer." She said she was afraid her "small pension" was insufficient to support her if she divorced him. You advised her to get a volunteer job that might turn into a paying position.
Abby, after 35 years of marriage, that woman is entitled to a significant portion of her husband's "very nice (retirement) annuity" and any other benefits he will receive. She should consult a lawyer specializing in family law about her rights, if she's as miserable as she says she is, and then divorce him. Life is too short. She has already missed 35 years of it by staying with a man who made her so unhappy. -- CALIFORNIA LAWYER
DEAR LAWYER: In my own defense, I felt that volunteering would get the woman out of the house and give her enough of a boost that she would feel better. I was surprised at how many readers disagreed with me. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You should have advised "Sad in the South," who is married to "the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born," to see an attorney about her rights to some of his assets if she should decide to leave. She may also need counseling to regain enough self-esteem to leave, and it would be better than staying in the situation she's in. I hope she gets out while she still has some enjoyable years left. -- A FRIEND IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR FRIEND: She called her husband cunning, clever and manipulative. Although those traits are obnoxious, nowhere did she say he mistreated her. Instead of divorcing her husband, I'd rather she saw a counselor and learned how to stand her ground. She said at first she gave in because she loved him, then she did it to avoid an argument, and now she does it out of habit. Instead of just walking away, wouldn't it be better if she first gave him a chance to change?
DEAR ABBY: That woman needs to educate herself about the laws governing pension plans and Social Security, and the best way to do it is to see a lawyer. Then, like me, she may learn she has more coming to her than she thinks.
I not only have enough money to get by, I have enough to enjoy things I never would have experienced with my husband. I live comfortably in a retirement village where I pay according to my income, and I'm enjoying the new friends I've made here. I was granted half my husband's pension, half the savings and stocks, and all of the household items. After his death a few months ago, my Social Security increased, so I went on a cruise with friends to celebrate. Everyone says my happiness is what killed my husband, who died an angry and bitter man.
My life has become a paradise, and everything I have dreamed of has come to pass. -- FINALLY HAPPY IN INDIANA
DEAR FINALLY: It appears you're sitting in clover, while your husband is lying under it. I don't know what he did to you that makes you take such joy in the circumstances of his death, but I wonder if the punishment fits the crime.
P.S. One woman to another: It isn't nice to gloat.
Dad Claims to Call the Shots in Daughter's Choice of Men
DEAR ABBY: My name is "Lenny" and I live in Florida. About six weeks ago, my girlfriend, "Jill," and I broke up. Jill is 20 and I am 41. She was adopted by her parents as an infant.
Jill's parents saw no problem with the age difference because I had gained their trust during the year before I started seeing her.
Jill and her folks moved to Illinois, but we talk on the phone at least three times a week. I proposed marriage, but Jill said she couldn't make the decision without her father's approval. Her mother was all for it; her father was not.
Jill says that when her parents adopted her, her father put a clause in the contract that he had the right to choose the man she was to marry -- and it was signed by a judge in the state of Illinois. Is this legal? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: No, it's not. Either Jill is lying to you, or someone is lying to her.
DEAR ABBY: I have eight siblings. I am the only one who is still single. My brothers and sisters are upstanding members of their communities, happily married and raising beautiful families.
Until a few years ago, we all got together for the holidays. Now that the children are here -- 20 at last count -- my sibs prefer to spend the holidays in their own homes with their families. We get together a couple of weeks before Christmas to exchange gifts.
I know that each of my brothers and sisters thinks I'm having Christmas dinner with another family member, but in reality I'm not invited anywhere, so I spend the day alone. I'd love to spend the day with family, and I'm hoping they will see this letter and think of me. -- ALL ALONE IN MARYLAND
DEAR ALL ALONE: And what if they happen to be too busy to read the column today? Your siblings aren't mind readers, so tell them what you told me. And if an invitation isn't forthcoming, make plans for the Christmas holiday with close friends or volunteer at a shelter. The greatest joy is in giving to others. You do not have to sit alone.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 11 and in sixth grade. I recently caught a girl in my class copying off my paper. When I asked her not to, she denied doing it. The next day, she started copying down my answers word for word. This time, I asked her if she would like to pair up and work together. She sneered at me and told me to get my "help" from the teacher.
I told the teacher then, and the teacher replied, "She is having trouble with her work and personal problems at home. Just imagine if this math was hard for you."
The girl has ADHD. Should I continue to let this girl copy me? -- STUDENT IN PHOENIX
DEAR STUDENT: No, you should not. Because if you do, a girl who is already having trouble with math will never learn how to solve the problems herself.
P.S. It was nice of you to volunteer to help by pairing up with her. But this girl has bigger problems than you are equipped to cope with.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Emotional, Physical Comfort Result From Sleeping Nude
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in regard to the mother who discovered her 14-year-old daughter sleeping in the nude. I say bravo to that mother and father for creating a home where the girl felt safe enough to sleep that way.
When I was young, I had an older brother who harassed me. I slept with my ears alert and covers up to my nose. I have been through two divorces -- and I wouldn't have allowed myself to be caught sleeping in the nude by either of my husbands. They might come home or wake up in a rage, and I needed to be prepared for whatever might happen.
I now have a husband with whom I'm completely relaxed -- so I no longer feel the need to wear anything in bed. I keep a robe at bedside for emergencies, but I now sleep comfortably without nightclothes that wrap around my legs or cut off the circulation in my arms. -- SLEEPING WELL IN TOPEKA
DEAR SLEEPING WELL: I have always considered wearing (or not wearing) clothing in bed to be a comfort issue. It hadn't occurred to me that it might reflect a measure of emotional security. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the "Worried Mom" made me laugh, remembering when I was in high school. A group of friends and I decided to "kidnap" four other friends and take them out for breakfast before school. We surprised them in their beds, intending to take them out in public in their pajamas.
All was well until the third house. Like the girl in the letter, our friend "Angie" slept in the nude. I have never seen anyone blush harder than she did that morning. -- CHRISTA IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR CHRISTA: I guess the "surprise" was on YOU.
DEAR ABBY: I suspect that "Worried Mom" reacted so strongly because she's terrified of her daughter's awakening sexuality, and Mom equates nudity with sex, and sex is "wrong."
Now Mom has two tasks ahead of her. The first is to overcome her own hang-ups. The second is to have a frank discussion with her daughter about how to protect herself in sexual situations. Please tell her to stop worrying. Sleeping nude IS more comfortable. -- DOES IT TOO, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR D.I.T.: What was it that Marilyn Monroe used to say? At bedtime her preferred attire was Chanel No. 5.
DEAR ABBY: There are few things in life more freeing than taking a hot shower and jumping nude into bed with fresh, crisp sheets. Please tell that mother not to make something nasty of it. She should try it herself. -- BIRTHDAY SUIT SLEEPER IN CASEYVILLE
DEAR SLEEPER: One thing about a birthday suit, it's always in style. And if it loses its shape, it can be altered.
DEAR ABBY: That mother needs to worry about more important things in life than what her daughter wears to bed. If the worst thing that girl has ever done is sleep in the nude, the writer is one lucky mom.
Obviously, "Mom" hasn't started menopause yet. If she had, she, too, would be sleeping in the nude because of hot flashes. -- HOT FLASH MOM, ROCKY RIVER, OHIO
DEAR MOM: Good point.
DEAR ABBY: As a nation that prides itself on freedom and liberty, we sure have become a nation of Puritans when it comes to the human body. In most of Europe, the sight of breasts on public television is matter-of-fact, and nude or partially nude bodies sunning on the beaches of the Mediterranean are commonplace.
I would like to challenge your readers to explain why the sight of a nude body is an object of fear and shame rather than of beauty and pride. -- ANTI-PRUDE IN SCOTTSDALE
DEAR ANTI-PRUDE: That's an intelligent question.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)