CONFIDENTIAL TO JANIS IN SUN CITY: "Americans will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic or a dope fiend, but if a man doesn't drive, they think there must be something wrong with him." -- ART BUCHWALD
Restaurant Eavesdroppers Leave Bad Taste in Couple's Mouths
DEAR ABBY: My husband took me out to an expensive restaurant. As we chatted over dinner, we realized that the couple next to us was eavesdropping on our conversation. They could hear everything we were saying. They kept turning their heads and looking straight at us. They even tried to peek when the check came.
My husband and I tried to ignore it, however, it put a damper on our nice evening. How should we tell nosy people to "butt out" of our dinner conversation? -- CONVERSATIONALLY SPEAKING IN DELAWARE
DEAR CONVERSATIONALLY SPEAKING: You and your husband missed an opportunity to have some fun. If you invent wild enough dialogue, the reaction can be funnier than a floor show. You could have raised your voices just a bit and begun discussing how you were going to spend the "drug money" -- or which girl you planned to send on the next "call." Short of asking to be seated at another table, there is no foolproof way to discourage nosy eavesdroppers.
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to the one from the neighbors who complained about the noise their neighbor's children made playing basketball in the yard.
As a boy, many years ago, I probably annoyed our neighbors the same way. Now that boy has grown into a man, who has taken care of literally thousands of youngsters in my practice of behavioral pediatrics.
Experience tells me that if all youngsters would be outside playing basketball or any other activity of exertion, we would have far fewer academic and behavioral problems. Approximately 75 percent of my patients never go outside to play. Many of them are addicted to video games, and some to television. (Studies have shown that exercise reduces the need for psycho-stimulants, such as Ritalin and Adderall, as well as the dosage.)
The ramifications of this addiction are enormous. These children tend to be more agitated and anxious. Their blood pressure and pulse are often increased. Their imagination is dulled. They have a higher risk of obesity, early onset diabetes, and future cardiovascular disease. Their sleep patterns are upset (many stay up all night to play their video games after their parents are sleeping), and there is some evidence that they are at increased risk for seizures.
If the pounding of a basketball is annoying to some folks, they should step back and look at the big picture. That sound would be a symphony to my ears because I know that these youngsters are doing something that will benefit themselves and ultimately society. -- JOEL P. SUSSMAN, M.D., FAAP, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR DR. SUSSMAN: Thank you for an important letter. As some readers pointed out, the complainer should be thankful the neighbor children are involved in activities as healthy as athletics. (Better to shoot hoops than each other!) People who can't stand the sound of children playing should relocate to a development for seniors. Let us not forget that children are people, too, and they have a right to play on their own property, providing they're not disturbing someone late at night.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Soldier in Iraq Looks Forward to Peace and Quiet at Home
DEAR ABBY: I am a female member of the military, stationed for the past nine months in Iraq. I recently received a letter from a friend who is having problems in her marriage. She has asked to move in with me when I return to the states in about three months. She says it's only until she gets back on her feet.
There's no way I can let that happen. She has too much drama in her life, and I have grown accustomed to living by myself. When I get home, all I want is peace and quiet. How can I tell her that I don't want a roommate without hurting her feelings? -- PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
DEAR PEACE: Be direct, and don't go into detail. Tell her that your tour of duty has been stressful -- it's the truth -- and that when you return home you plan to live alone. Do not talk about the drama in her life. Talk about the drama that's been going on in your life. You have a right to peace of mind, and your friend should not expect you to straighten her life out for her. After a tour in Iraq, you've done enough.
DEAR ABBY: I was seeing someone in the apartment complex where I live. It was the maintenance man, "Stan." At first, we kept it quiet because of problems I have with my ex, "Mac." Mac and I have children together and he always finds ways to destroy my new dates -- so the less he knows, the better.
But I was falling in love with Stan, so one night we decided to go out in public. Mac found out and had a friend of his tell me Stan could lose his job.
Since I can't afford to move and didn't want Stan to lose his job, I started avoiding him. It's been six weeks, and I feel I have lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Please tell me what to do. -- GRIEVING IN MICHIGAN
DEAR GRIEVING: The first thing to do is pick up the phone and contact the office of the building. Without being specific, inquire if there is any formal policy regarding residents fraternizing with staff.
If there is a rule that forbids it, rather than avoiding Stan, I advise you to have a serious chat with him. If you both want to pursue a relationship and moving isn't an option, perhaps he should find a job with another building. Good maintenance men are hard to find.
DEAR ABBY: I met someone almost a year ago. "Donald" and I dated for several months, but it ended badly. A few months ago, we started communicating again -- and I thought everything was going well. Then, all of a sudden out of the blue, he stopped calling.
We were intimate each time I saw him. Now I am pregnant.
Abby, I'm 44 and have never had a child. Donald is 50 and has never been married or fathered a child either. I have left him several messages since I learned I was pregnant and have asked why he hasn't returned my calls. He has not contacted me.
I feel absolutely abandoned, hurt and betrayed. Donald is a wealthy playboy, and sometimes extremely selfish. I want this child, but need some sort of acknowledgement from him. What should I do? -- SHOCKED, DISTRAUGHT AND PREGNANT IN OHIO
DEAR PREGNANT: Pick up the phone and make one more call -- to an attorney. It will be a good investment. You may feel hurt, abandoned and betrayed, but I see child support in your future. It's time for the daddy-to-be to step up to the plate.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jay's," parents have informed us they are coming for Christmas and will be staying for six weeks. They need at least three weeks because they're having dental work done by another family member, and it must be staggered.
Long visits are acceptable in their culture, but it usually applies when people visit from another country -– not another state.
The last time they came, they stayed three weeks. It was a stretch for me, but I bit my tongue. I work from home and was with them 24/7 because they don't like to drive. It's hard on me because they get bored and expect me to entertain them. Also, I don't get along well with my father-in-law, and neither of them likes my cooking.
Jay knows six weeks is long, but for him the time goes fast because he works long hours. Jay says he'll talk to his parents about this, but he's miserable at the prospect. Speaking up will cause problems for him, and they'll assume it came from me anyway. They'll be livid. Please tell me what to do. I'm on the verge of tears when I think about what's coming. -- DREADING CHRISTMAS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DREADING: Be a gracious hostess for three weeks. After that, schedule a break. Go visit relatives or, if that's not feasible, check into a motel. You may find that having had a breather, you'll be in a better frame of mind to deal with the in-laws upon your return. You may also find that when the entire burden of entertaining his parents falls upon your husband, he'll encourage them to make shorter visits or other living arrangements in subsequent visits.
P.S. Since they don't like your cooking, have your mother-in-law do it. It will lighten the burden for you and give her something to do.
DEAR ABBY: I am 22, and recently moved here from a different state. Shortly after I arrived, I met an amazing man I'll call Lance. Lance and I met at work and fell for each other instantly.
After we had been dating only a month, I found out that I was pregnant with my ex-boyfriend's baby. Lance was confused when I told him, but after a few days of thinking about it, he told me that the pregnancy didn't change the way he felt about me. We have now been dating more than two months, and Lance continues to be wonderful and supportive.
I'm afraid that since I'm starting to show, Lance will get scared and break my heart. We have had a few serious talks because I feel he doesn't spend enough time with me. Lance contends that he spends more time with me than he does his friends or family. I am in love with him, but I'm afraid that what I originally thought we had together may be "too good to be true." Is this rational, or am I overly emotional because of my pregnancy? -- CONFUSED IN COLORADO
DEAR CONFUSED: You could be hormonal –- or simply extremely needy because you are vulnerable right now. Lance appears to be standing by you to the best of his ability –- and now is not the time to be telling him he isn't measuring up to your standards of companionship. He deserves praise for his loyalty, not criticism for not giving "enough."
If you need more emotional support, I recommend you involve your family. Also, you didn't mention whether your ex-boyfriend knows about his impending fatherhood. Since child support will be partly his responsibility once the baby arrives, it may be time to share news of the blessed event with him.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)