For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 25-year-old recent college graduate who just started a new job. I love it here because I'm doing something I care about and earn decent money. I like all of my co-workers with the exception of one. This person, "Jim," interrupts my work a lot, says things like "Hey, beautiful!" and calls me things like "baby girl." The other day he said, "It's too hot outside." I replied cheerfully, "Sorry, I had nothing to do with it," and he said in a creepy manner, "You have a lot to do with it."
This is bothersome because I think Jim is a nice person, but he makes me uncomfortable. He has worked here a lot longer than I have. I don't want to say anything to the boss because I'm the new girl. I have been here only a few weeks, and I don't want to make trouble.
At the same time, I'm tired of Jim walking into my office, sitting down, talking for long periods and making off-color remarks. If I close my door, I'll appear anti-social, but I'm tired of being badgered because he's bored or because I'm the only young female in the office. I don't want to get anyone in trouble -- I just want it to stop. What should I do? -- TRAPPED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR TRAPPED: You are entitled to be comfortable in the workplace and free from unwanted conduct. State and federal laws guarantee you the right to be free of unwelcome talk based on gender. Ideally, you should tell this man that he is making you uncomfortable. However, if you cannot bring yourself to do it, I urge you to document what is going on and bring your concerns to the attention of your boss or the person who handles human resources at your company.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 26-year-old female in the Navy. I have been divorced for two years and have two beautiful little boys.
Last February, I met a man and I have fallen head over heels. He's great with my boys and wonderful to me. He has expressed that although he loves my kids, he also wants children of his own. My problem: I had a tubal ligation after my youngest was born, and now I regret it. I think this is the only thing that is preventing us from going to the next level. What should I do? -- HELPLESS IN WASHINGTON
DEAR HELPLESS: Call your ob-gyn and ask if the tubal ligation can be reversed. It is sometimes possible to reverse the procedure. (The same is true of a vasectomy.) If it is not possible, consult an infertility specialist. These days, there is more than one way to skin a cat or become a mother.
DEAR ABBY: Our son is married to a sweet girl whom we love. My only problem with her is that she has no pictures of us in her house. She has wedding pictures on display, and some of her family and friends -- but none of my husband and me.
They have a new baby, and I go there and take care of him one day a week. She has a baby book with photos, and there are no pictures of us in there, either.
We haven't said anything to her or our son, but each time we go there it bugs me. I came home upset the other day, and my husband said to let it go. I'm afraid if I speak up, my son will say I'm overreacting. What should I do? -- SAD IN AKRON
DEAR SAD: Have a nice photograph taken of yourself and your husband, autograph and frame it, and give it to your son and daughter-in-law for Christmas.
Film Star Seeks Secondary Role on Day Care Application
DEAR ABBY: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.
I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.
Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think? -- "TEMPEST" IN L.A.
DEAR TEMPEST: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.
DEAR ABBY: Our 31-year-old son is being married soon in the Midwest. We would like to know what our financial responsibilities are -- if any -- regarding the costs of the wedding, in light of the following:
1. Our travel expenses will be about $1,500, plus an additional $500 for hotel and food.
2. Although 100 guests are invited, we do not know them, as they are all friends and relatives of the bride and her parents.
3. We are giving our son and his bride a gift of $1,000.
4. We have no say in the planning of the wedding.
We want to do what is right, but we don't want to pay unless tradition or etiquette demands it. Please advise. -- PUZZLED PARENTS IN OREGON
DEAR PUZZLED PARENTS: Although it is not obligatory, it is customary for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. The guests should include the bridal party, the bride's parents, the fiances and/or live-in companions of the bridesmaids and ushers, and the clergy who will officiate. The bride's mother can help you select an appropriate restaurant.
DEAR ABBY: Two former teachers made an incredible impact on my life. Both encouraged me to stretch far beyond what I thought possible for myself. They pushed and nudged me, praising my efforts in pursuing my dreams. I promised myself I'd contact them "one day" to let them know how much they influenced my life.
A few months ago, I finally contacted my old high school to see if I could locate them. To my dismay, I learned that one had been killed in a car accident the year before, and the other had gone to the hospital last spring and passed away without ever going home.
I feel terrible. I never had the chance to tell two wonderful people how much they mattered. Please urge your readers to stop right now and make that call. We may never have the chance again. -- TOO LATE IN CLEVELAND
DEAR TOO LATE: That's a lesson I'm sorry you learned the hard way. Kind thoughts are meant to be shared; they do no one any good if you keep them to yourself. To paraphrase a poem I heard years ago: "If you're ever going to love me, love me now. Don't wait until I'm gone and have it chiseled on my headstone; let me hear it while I'm living, so I can enjoy it."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WOMAN UNSURE HOW TO TAKE IN-LAWS' THANK-YOU OF CASH
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws, who live seven hours away, spent last night in our guest room. They arrived late and had already eaten dinner on the road. My husband was away on business, and my in-laws and I had fun talking, laughing and sharing stories.
This morning I got dressed, spoke with them for a few minutes and left for work. They had the run of the house. I encouraged them to sleep late, help themselves to whatever was in the kitchen, and lock the door behind them when they left.
When I returned from work I noticed they had left a sweet note and a $50 bill! My husband says they did it to be nice and I should accept the money. My mother says I should take the money and buy new sheets for the guest room.
I feel terrible. I don't know why they left the money. My husband and I both work and earn good money. Our house isn't as nice as theirs, but we've been married for only two years. My first reaction was to return the money with a brief note explaining that we don't charge for hospitality. My husband says that would be cruel. Your thoughts, please. -- HURT IN WISCONSIN
DEAR HURT: I'm sure no insult was intended. The money was a gift, so accept it graciously in the spirit it was given. Your mother's suggestion to put it toward new sheets for the guest room is a good one. The next time your in-laws visit, show them that you used the money to make them more comfortable. I'm sure they'll be touched.
DEAR ABBY: I am operations manager of the maintenance and custodial department of a large university. It angers me to see how shabbily custodians, food workers and laborers are treated by individuals who think that, because they're college educated, they're above picking up after themselves. They're NOT. Please sign me ... PROUD OF OUR STAFF
DEAR PROUD: Thank you for the important reminder that there is dignity in all work. Respect for others is one of the greatest gifts that can be given year-round -- and it doesn't cost a dime. We are in the season of giving. Take the time to learn the names of people who are too often overlooked and thank them for their efforts.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Victoria," is 20. She attends college and is engaged to a 27-year-old man I'll call Albert. They have been engaged for about a year and have lived together for two. They plan to be married in the fall of 2005.
Victoria and Albert think I should pay him for her rent and other expenses for the two years she has been living with him. It adds up to about $8,000. I think that since Victoria is living with him, Albert should be the provider. My daughter is an adult, and I know I am not obligated to support her. But I want to do the right thing. Frankly, I do not approve of their living arrangement.
Neither of them is speaking to me because I haven't given them the money. Should I pay for something I don't agree with? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFUSED: May I be frank? I have wracked my brain trying to come up with one single reason why you should -- and I can't come up with even one. And if your daughter's fiance were much of a man, he wouldn't ask you to. Please don't submit to blackmail. If you do, it will be only the beginning.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)