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by Abigail Van Buren

Film Star Seeks Secondary Role on Day Care Application

DEAR ABBY: I star in adult films. I am not ashamed of what I do, but sometimes other people's reaction to my profession can be severe.

I am trying to get my 4-year-old daughter, "Ashley," accepted into an exclusive religious day care. The problem is that on the application I am to state my profession, as well as her father's. My husband, "Rex," is also in the adult film industry.

Rex thinks we should just lie. I want my daughter to be accepted, but I know Ashley will be turned down if they find out we lied on the application. What do you think? -- "TEMPEST" IN L.A.

DEAR TEMPEST: You don't have to lie. State that you are in the movie business. Just don't mention that the movies you're in are "blue," and cross your fingers that you don't run into any fans.

DEAR ABBY: Our 31-year-old son is being married soon in the Midwest. We would like to know what our financial responsibilities are -- if any -- regarding the costs of the wedding, in light of the following:

1. Our travel expenses will be about $1,500, plus an additional $500 for hotel and food.

2. Although 100 guests are invited, we do not know them, as they are all friends and relatives of the bride and her parents.

3. We are giving our son and his bride a gift of $1,000.

4. We have no say in the planning of the wedding.

We want to do what is right, but we don't want to pay unless tradition or etiquette demands it. Please advise. -- PUZZLED PARENTS IN OREGON

DEAR PUZZLED PARENTS: Although it is not obligatory, it is customary for the groom's parents to host the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. The guests should include the bridal party, the bride's parents, the fiances and/or live-in companions of the bridesmaids and ushers, and the clergy who will officiate. The bride's mother can help you select an appropriate restaurant.

DEAR ABBY: Two former teachers made an incredible impact on my life. Both encouraged me to stretch far beyond what I thought possible for myself. They pushed and nudged me, praising my efforts in pursuing my dreams. I promised myself I'd contact them "one day" to let them know how much they influenced my life.

A few months ago, I finally contacted my old high school to see if I could locate them. To my dismay, I learned that one had been killed in a car accident the year before, and the other had gone to the hospital last spring and passed away without ever going home.

I feel terrible. I never had the chance to tell two wonderful people how much they mattered. Please urge your readers to stop right now and make that call. We may never have the chance again. -- TOO LATE IN CLEVELAND

DEAR TOO LATE: That's a lesson I'm sorry you learned the hard way. Kind thoughts are meant to be shared; they do no one any good if you keep them to yourself. To paraphrase a poem I heard years ago: "If you're ever going to love me, love me now. Don't wait until I'm gone and have it chiseled on my headstone; let me hear it while I'm living, so I can enjoy it."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

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