What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN MUST GIVE UP OBSESSION WITH WIFE'S MARRIED DAUGHTER
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I can't discuss with my family. I am 45 years old, married for 12 years, and I am in love with my wife's daughter from her first marriage. "Danica" is 24 and married. I have had these feelings for her for quite some time. Danica is fun to be around and very pretty when she smiles. We have talked when she has been over to visit her mother, and she drives me crazy. My wife says I have a crush on her daughter. Thank God she doesn't know how much.
I asked Danica out to dinner one night, just the two of us. It was going well until I spilled my guts and told her how I felt about her. She was shocked. The only thing she said was I was married to her mother and she was married. I asked her if she had anything else to say, and she replied that she didn't know what to say. Needless to say, the rest of the night didn't go well. I took her to her car and told her the offer was always open.
Four days latter, I sent her a dozen red roses with a card that said, "Let's be friends." I tried to call her, but she said she didn't feel comfortable talking to me. Now she treats me like I have the plague. What should I do? Just wait, and pray she'll talk to me? -- SMITTEN IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR SMITTEN: No. The first thing you should do is take a cold shower and wake up. You have slipped from fantasy into obsession, created a rift in the family and made a fool of yourself. Stop with the calls and roses. You and Danica will never be "friends" now that your inappropriate feelings are out in the open. If you can't let go of this, please talk to a mental health professional.
DEAR ABBY: Please accept my apology for thinking that every time you advise counseling you were "passing the buck." After years of abuse and three nightmare marriages, I am finally finding myself through psychiatric care.
After my husband of 27 years left me, I was shattered -- terrified. I couldn't stop crying. I made a desperate call to a mental health hotline and was advised to go to the nearest emergency hospital. My physician met me there and I admitted myself to their psychiatric ward. It was the beginning of a new life.
Everyone I encountered, from the person in admitting to the doctors and nurses, the staff and other patients, helped me. I started to heal. The classes were extremely helpful. The counselors were truly giving and caring. I signed myself out after five days, but continue going in for weekly counseling. My counselor recently told me I would make a great counselor.
I will soon begin taking courses at my local college to become certified. And now that I am healing, I'm doing volunteer work in mental health care and awareness. My goal is to make the public realize the importance of mental health.
I have learned you can live in fear or reach out for help. There is no reason for anyone to suffer when help is close at hand. There are toll-free hotline numbers for crisis intervention.
Thank you for always being there, Abby. I know you were there for me. -- SUNSHINE IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR SUNSHINE: Thank YOU for sharing your personal success. When you were in crisis, you were wise to recognize it for what it was and get help. There should be no shame in such a positive, life-affirming act.
Another valuable resource for the mentally ill is an organization called the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). It offers emotional and educational support to people -- and families -- with all the major mental disorders. Its toll-free number is (800) 950-6264. The Web site is www.nami.org.
TRUE FRIENDS STICK TOGETHER THROUGH ALL OF LIFE'S CHANGES
DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully. The letter from "Devoted Mom in Livermore, Calif." really touched a nerve with me. She said she wanted to end friendships with her old "career" friends because she no longer had anything in common with them and would rather spend her free time with her husband and daughter. How sad.
People use the word "friends" too liberally. I believe a person is truly blessed if he or she can name five "true friends." By that I mean people who will be by your side through thick and thin; back you up and ask questions later; someone you can call any time of day or night. Through childhood, marriage, children, divorce, whatever life throws your way, these friends are there. The common thread is the quality that made you friends to begin with. You may not see each other often, but when you pick up that phone or e-mail, it's like you never left off.
It's a shame "Devoted Mom" doesn't understand that true meaning of friendship. -- KATHY G., BALLY, PA.
DEAR KATHY: I agree. True friendship is a commodity so precious it should not be discarded lightly. That letter brought in some interesting mail. Read on for a sample: DEAR ABBY: Although "Devoted Mom" didn't say it in so many words, her letter smacked of the attitude that I'm willing to bet used to disgust her. Now that she's settled down, she's eager to phase out her single girlfriends. Naturally, since she has a "real" life now, she doesn't want to be around people who don't, and certainly she and all her mommy-track friends are sure that anything remotely different from their existence is entirely false. It's that very attitude that keeps us divided.
Sure, she's tired of hearing about single girls' money and boyfriend problems, but let me assure her that potty training doesn't exactly make for a riveting anecdote. Single lives are no less valuable and real than hers.
"Devoted Mom" shouldn't worry about letting those women down easily. They may not be eager to be around someone with such a smug-minded attitude anyway. -- WOMAN-POSITIVE IN COLUMBUS, OHIO
DEAR WOMAN-POSITIVE: I'm sure they won't when they find out they're expendable!
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice about thinking twice before phasing out her older relationships. Tomorrow her life could be turned upside down, and those things that she cherishes and enjoys now might not be there –- including her spouse, child and "new mommy" friends. Wouldn't it be nice to know that you still have those relationships and the support of those friends? The complaints she's hearing from them now were very likely some of hers in the past. Were I her, I might try to change the tone of the relationships, but in no way would I eliminate them. -- KRISTIN K., NEW CITY, N.Y.
DEAR KRISTIN: That's mature thinking. A reader in Minnesota sent me the following, and its message rings true: "Make new friends, but keep the old/The worth of true friendship exceeds that of gold."
FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:
A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak holds more than his belican
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week
I don't see how in the helican.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wary Consumer Warns Others to Beware of Internet Scams
DEAR ABBY: I have been hit on by scam artists more than once. They must think I have "sucker" tattooed on my forehead.
The latest has been a series of e-mails telling me that a Mrs. Virginia of the United Kingdom was killed in a car accident, and I am the sole beneficiary of her $12.5 million estate. All I have to do is provide them with my bank account number, and the money will be transferred from the Habib Trust Bank of England.
Well, I'm not stupid. I gave them the account number of a bank I no longer do business with. There is a grand total of $2.83 in that account. They are welcome to it –- have a cup of coffee and a scone on me.
Their scam promises they'll do all the paperwork –- but after a while they'll tell you that you either have to send an advance of several thousand dollars to "complete the transaction," or go to Nigeria to sign the papers. This going to Nigeria gets better: They'll tell you that you don't need a visa to go there, as they will "take care of all that." But as soon as you land in Nigeria, you'll be arrested for NOT having a visa.
So, Abby, please warn your readers if they receive any type of e-mail, or regular mail, or even a phone call to that effect, they should explain it all to the Secret Service like I did. No one should fall for this trap. I'll get $12.5 million when I am next in line to become the pope. I've got a better chance of coming into money by playing the lottery. -- EUGENE B., CLIFTON, N.J.
DEAR EUGENE: I assume from your letter that you're not waiting for a visit from the College of Cardinals. I'm sure my readers will be grateful for the warning, as well as the reminder that most things that seem too good to be true –- usually aren't.
DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of two sons who are as different as night and day. My 27-year-old, "Ken," has lots of issues and drama. Our relationship has always been rocky. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough.
Ken calls me on the phone and calls me names. I have gone through years of therapy and am doing pretty well, but when I have contact with him I regress 13 years.
We hadn't spoken since Christmas because I stopped answering the phone when he called. However, last night I did pick up. Our conversation started out well, but it peaked to a horrible yelling contest. Ken called me terrible names and blamed me for everything bad that has happened in his life.
I love Ken, but I don't like him. Is there a way a parent can cut the apron strings? What kind of impact would that have on him? I go to church and sit alone and pray. It gives me some relief. But when he calls, it starts all over again. What is a mother to do? -- GRIEVING IN TEXAS
DEAR GRIEVING: You say that you have had counseling. Has your son? If the answer is no, urge him to get some and get his life in order. Should he refuse, make it plain that you will no longer tolerate his verbal abuse and again screen your calls. The longer you allow your son to cause you pain, the longer he will do it. He's an adult, and you have suffered enough.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)