For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ward Off the Holiday Blues by Offering a Helping Hand
DEAR READERS: Today is Thanksgiving, the time we pause to consider the blessings for which we are grateful. In many homes across this great nation of ours, turkeys are being stuffed -- just as the people who consume them will be later in the day.
But for many individuals, today and the holidays that follow can be an intensely difficult time, triggering feelings of stress, loneliness and loss. If a person is prone to depression, these feelings can be further magnified.
How can anyone feel depressed at this time of year? you ask. It's not that far-fetched. People who are separated from their families often feel isolated because they can't celebrate in the traditional way. Families who have lost a loved one during the year often feel the absence especially at this time. Others become depressed because they imagine that everyone else is enjoying a warm, idealized family experience, while they are on the outside looking in.
Even people who enjoy the holidays can find them stressful. This is a time of year when people are stretched for time, energy and money -- particularly the latter. They may become embarrassed because they can't celebrate the way they would like to celebrate, or in the style they have in years past.
Some ways to ward off the holiday blues:
-- Keep expectations reasonable. Don't take on more activities than you can handle -- financially or otherwise.
-- Don't overspend. Plan a holiday budget and live within it, regardless of the temptation.
-- Do not run up credit card debt, or January will be like a serious hangover.
-- And speaking of hangovers: Watch your alcohol intake. Remember, although alcohol seems to be a mood elevator, it is actually a depressant. If you have a problem with alcohol, get whatever support you need to make it through the holidays.
A final thought: If you're feeling down and want an instant "upper," the surest way to accomplish it is to do something nice for someone else. Call someone who lives alone and invite that person to dinner. Better yet, say, "I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get safely home." (Some older people don't drive at night, and those who do might prefer not to be behind the wheel after dark.) Give it a try! You'll be glad you did.
And now, I'll repeat the traditional Thanksgiving Prayer that was penned by my mother, Pauline Phillips, years ago. My Thanksgiving would not be complete without it:
Oh, Heavenly Father,
We thank thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service,
That thy gifts to us may be used for others. Amen.
P.S. We have so much for which to be grateful this Thanksgiving Day. Those of you with a little time to spare, how about showing our gratitude to veterans by visiting a veterans hospital and raising the spirits of those who have served our country?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY
Daughter Plagued by Demon Needs Professional Help Now
DEAR ABBY: The recent behavior of my 13-year-old daughter, Julie, has begun to concern me. She and I are very close. It has been just the two of us up until the last two years. I plan to be married next spring.
Last July we moved to a small town, and Julie was upset about it, but her misgivings lessened as she began to make new friends. My problem is, my daughter has become interested in demons to the point that she thinks and tells people she is half-demon. Julie's new friends are also into the demon-pretending phase.
I wasn't concerned until I saw a letter Julie had written to her father, talking about the demon and asking if he was one. It went on to say there is trouble here, and a demon killer is at her school. She said it wants to kill them and has given her "signs."
How can I get my daughter back without making her miserable? After-school activities are not offered here. Learning self-defense was originally an option until she started hitting older boys and asking why they didn't hit her back. Should I take her friends away? Talk to their parents? I don't know what to do. -- ONCE A GOOD PARENT IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR PARENT: Call your doctor and arrange for a psychiatric evaluation for your daughter. Her letter to her father and her acting out against the boys suggests that she could have serious mental problems. Please don't wait. The doctor can help you to decide whether she should be kept away from her new friends, or whether you should speak to their parents. However, your first priority should be to get professional help for your child.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 29 years, "Paul," is an "early to bed" kind of guy. He goes to bed around 9 p.m., and the kids are still up. My problem is, I don't want to have sex while the kids (ages 14 and 13, both boys) are home or still awake at night. Paul doesn't understand my feelings. Is it my hang-up, or do other women feel the same way? -- EMBARRASSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR EMBARRASSED: There are, indeed, other wives who share your feelings. Some couples solve this problem by sending "the kids" on sleepovers, or arranging intimate nights out together. You might also consider installing a large-screen TV in a room as far away from the master bedroom as possible, so that if the kids are up, they'll be otherwise occupied.
You and your husband are entitled to a life, and having private time does not necessarily equate with having sex. A lock on your bedroom door might prevent surprises, as well as a house rule that no one should enter without first knocking and asking permission.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having an argument about whether talking to solicitors through the door is rude.
I say that since I am a woman, often alone when someone comes knocking and cautious about strangers, I can express that I'm not interested by saying so through the closed door. My husband insists that it's rude not to open the door and tell them face-to-face.
In today's world, I'm afraid to open the door to people I don't know. Someone trying to sell me something doesn't change this rule. Is it rude not to open the door, or should I risk the chance that it is an attacker? -- BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY IN COLORADO
DEAR BETTER SAFE: There is no rule of etiquette that demands you open your door to a stranger, even a solicitor. The best way to avoid "buying" something is not to listen to the pitch in the first place.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. I think the groom should buy the ring for the bride, and the bride should buy the ring for the groom, no matter who proposes. It should be their gift to each other. -- JOYFUL IN ALPHARETTA, GA.
DEAR JOYFUL: My ears are "ringing" from the many comments I've received regarding that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Deb in Knoxville" was right on. You advised her that if the man is a gentleman, he should buy it. And if he refuses, she should enter the marriage with her eyes wide open and no illusions about what her future will be.
Even though my husband popped the question to me, he never bought me a ring. It was an indication of what was to come. He is the world's worst cheapskate.
I can count on one hand the number of gifts he has given me over the years. He is equally withholding emotionally. When I was single, I never thought that such things were important in a relationship. I was wrong. It's been a lonely life. -- LONELY IN DIXIE
DEAR LONELY: In your case, the lack of gifts is less important than the absence of what they stand for. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend tells me that it is tradition that the man buys the woman a ring, and the woman buys the man a watch. What a great tradition! Have you heard of this? -- BOB IN CHICAGO
DEAR BOB: No, so I called Dawn Moore, the West Coast regional director of Chopard Jewelers. She informed me that a wristwatch is the "traditional offering" from the woman to the man at the time of the engagement or the wedding. (What a clever way of ensuring he makes it to the church on time!)
DEAR ABBY: "Deb in Knoxville" asked who should buy the ring if the woman proposes. You replied that you're old-fashioned, and the man should buy it if he's a gentleman. I disagree! If the woman asks, she should buy the ring. Not only that, but she should present that ring to him. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. -- EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ENGAGER
DEAR ENGAGER: Thank you for stating the opposing point of view.
DEAR ABBY: I proposed to my longtime boyfriend and bought him an engagement ring. I didn't care if I received one or not. He asked if I wanted one as well, and I declined. Because of pressure from family and friends, he finally insisted.
Abby, there is so much old-fashioned peer pressure on the man. When we announced our engagement, I made the mistake of saying that I had been the one to propose. People would gawk at him as though he had been the one holding up the wedding plans, and I had to somehow get the ball rolling by proposing to him. It was like they thought less of him somehow. I think it embarrassed him, which was stupid because he was ready to be married long before I was. (I was divorced and afraid of making another mistake.)
When I felt ready, I decided to surprise him and propose. He was loving and patient with me -- and it's unfair that people regard him as someone who had to be poked and prodded into making a commitment.
I think that if a woman proposes, the same rules should apply as if the situation were reversed. It's up to both of them to decide about the rings. The responsibility should be shared because they are both equals in the relationship. -- SMILING IN CANADA
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.