For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Diamonds for 'Other Woman' Put Marriage on the Rocks
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that my husband of 20 years bought diamond earrings and something from Victoria's Secret for another woman. His explanation? "She's just a friend, and she's married to a jerk." He has told me many different stories about her. I checked them out and found they were all lies.
Someone once told me that when a man buys diamond earrings or a bracelet, it means he's already slept with her. What do you think? -- WANTS THE TRUTH IN MINNESOTA
DEAR WANTS THE TRUTH: Diamond earrings? That's quite an investment. When a man gives diamonds to a woman, it's a good bet that he's getting plenty in return -- or hoping to.
DEAR ABBY: Some friends of ours, "Rhonda" and "Mike," planned to be married. They have two small children together. Mike is a longtime childhood friend of my husband's; we met Rhonda through Mike. Mike and Rhonda are no longer together. It was a messy breakup. They no longer speak to each other, and they even have relatives intercede in the exchange of their children so they do not have to see each other.
My husband and I gave Rhonda $100 as a down payment on the wedding dress that she just "had" to have. Mike and Rhonda both thanked us, and said not to buy a wedding gift, that the money was gift enough. Rhonda bought the dress and now plans to sell it.
My husband and I are not well-off, and we would like our money back. We feel that now the wedding has been canceled, the money should be returned. Rhonda has not offered to do it. Should we confront her and tell her that when she sells the dress that we'd like the $100 back? How should we handle this? -- WANTS OUR MONEY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WANTS: Rather than "confront" Rhonda, remind her that when she sells the dress, you would like her to return the money. But don't hold your breath. Since your friendship was based on your longstanding friendship with Mike, she may assume that her relationship with you is history -- and not feel inclined to do so.
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen in love with a wonderful man I'll call "Hank." Hank is everything I want in a man. We have been together for five months, and he is always very well-dressed -- which is important to me. I take pride in the way I look and want my partner to do the same.
Hank and I went out yesterday. It was cold outside and Hank said he would wear a sweater. Well, Abby, the sweater looked like something he found in a trash bin! It was stained, dirty and faded. How do I tell Hank that sweater has to go without hurting his feelings? I felt embarrassed to be with him, which I hated to admit to myself. How can I tell him not to wear it again? -- EMBARRASSED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Do NOT tell him not to wear it again, or that you felt embarrassed to be seen with him in it. When an otherwise spiffy dresser wears a garment that is "old, stained, faded," etc., it is safe to assume that the item has sentimental value. Since you prefer that he wear something nicer, buy him a sweater or two -- and as the weather grows colder, let him know how much it would please you to see him in something you selected especially for him.
List of Warning Signs Helps Woman Recognize Abuser
DEAR ABBY: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year-old battered woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of that year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call.
At first I thought, "How can this help ME?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.
Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.
After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life. -- GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in YOUR honor.
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Single Mom Reluctant to Share Daughter's School Functions
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and my 5-year-old daughter, "Liza," just started kindergarten. Her father, "George," remarried two years ago to a woman I'll call Beth. Beth has a 6-year-old daughter.
Now that Liza is going to "big school," Beth wants to come to all of Liza's parent-teacher functions with George (and in his place when he can't make it). George agrees with her.
I don't want Beth there. I am Liza's mother. It would be one thing if I weren't around and my daughter needed a mother to come to these things. I appreciate Beth wanting to do it, but to have her there would make me uncomfortable.
I don't want to hurt Beth's feelings, but as a mother she should understand. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I approach them with this? Please advise. -- FEELING STEPPED ON IN N.C.
DEAR FEELING: Before saying anything, consider that Beth is showing a sincere interest in Liza's education. That is a plus if custody is shared. Every child should be as fortunate as your little girl that all of the adults in her life want to make sure she excels in school. Please think this through. Your daughter's welfare should come first, and in this case, three heads may be better than two.
DEAR ABBY: My 80-year-old mother-in-law, "Verna," moved in with my wife and me sometime back. We thought it would be better for her than living so far away and alone. Her husband of many years died about 15 years ago, and she is still depressed.
The trouble is, Verna has become reclusive. She hoards food in her room, rarely comes out, and spends hours just talking to her dog. She also believes that we feel she's an intrusion in our lives.
Abby, my wife and I talked this over before Verna came to live here, and we both acknowledged that although it might be difficult, we could work through any problems. However, lately the problems have begun to include imaginary issues such as saying we won't permit her use of the telephone. (It never happened!) Is it time to seek professional help? -- CONCERNED IN TEXAS
DEAR CONCERNED: Yes. Any change in the behavior of a person your mother-in-law's age could signal a physical, mental or neurological problem. She should be evaluated by a doctor who specializes in geriatrics -- and while you're at it, the doctor should be told about her chronic depression and hoarding. One thing is certain: She won't get any better if you ignore the problem.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 41-year-old gay man who has survived the AIDS virus for almost 19 years. I recently had a bad health scare and realized there was so much I wanted to say to people. It occurred to me that I should write my own eulogy. I'm not sure if that's appropriate or just self-indulgent.
I'd appreciate your thoughts. A positive attitude has been my strength. -- "WATCH ME FLY" IN PALM SPRINGS
DEAR "WATCH ME FLY": If you would like to write your own eulogy, by all means do so. You won't be the first to do it, and it's a surefire way to assure your message gets across -- especially if it's videotaped.
P.S. I hope your "flight" is long delayed and you have many more good years in Palm Springs.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)