To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
List of Warning Signs Helps Woman Recognize Abuser
DEAR ABBY: In 1996, in memory of a 19-year-old battered woman who was murdered by her boyfriend, you printed an item requested by her family. It changed my life. On March 29 of that year, my dad said, "I have something for you," and handed me your column. It contained a list of 15 warning signs of a batterer. It was my wake-up call.
At first I thought, "How can this help ME?" Well, it did. No. 1 took me back to the beginning of my relationship with my fiance. By the time I reached No. 15, I had reviewed the past seven years of my life.
Few realize how important a role verbal abuse and criticism play in an abuser's efforts to gain control and keep you from leaving. The verbal abuse was harder for me to deal with than being kicked in the back when I'd walk away from one of his outbursts.
After reading that column, I finally understood there was nothing I could change about myself that would make him love me. Thank you, Abby. I wish I could let the family of the 19-year-old woman know they changed my life. -- GRATEFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR GRATEFUL: People often ask if I ever hear from readers letting me know how my columns have affected them. The answer is yes, and today I'll reprint that list in YOUR honor.
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."
Single Mom Reluctant to Share Daughter's School Functions
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and my 5-year-old daughter, "Liza," just started kindergarten. Her father, "George," remarried two years ago to a woman I'll call Beth. Beth has a 6-year-old daughter.
Now that Liza is going to "big school," Beth wants to come to all of Liza's parent-teacher functions with George (and in his place when he can't make it). George agrees with her.
I don't want Beth there. I am Liza's mother. It would be one thing if I weren't around and my daughter needed a mother to come to these things. I appreciate Beth wanting to do it, but to have her there would make me uncomfortable.
I don't want to hurt Beth's feelings, but as a mother she should understand. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I approach them with this? Please advise. -- FEELING STEPPED ON IN N.C.
DEAR FEELING: Before saying anything, consider that Beth is showing a sincere interest in Liza's education. That is a plus if custody is shared. Every child should be as fortunate as your little girl that all of the adults in her life want to make sure she excels in school. Please think this through. Your daughter's welfare should come first, and in this case, three heads may be better than two.
DEAR ABBY: My 80-year-old mother-in-law, "Verna," moved in with my wife and me sometime back. We thought it would be better for her than living so far away and alone. Her husband of many years died about 15 years ago, and she is still depressed.
The trouble is, Verna has become reclusive. She hoards food in her room, rarely comes out, and spends hours just talking to her dog. She also believes that we feel she's an intrusion in our lives.
Abby, my wife and I talked this over before Verna came to live here, and we both acknowledged that although it might be difficult, we could work through any problems. However, lately the problems have begun to include imaginary issues such as saying we won't permit her use of the telephone. (It never happened!) Is it time to seek professional help? -- CONCERNED IN TEXAS
DEAR CONCERNED: Yes. Any change in the behavior of a person your mother-in-law's age could signal a physical, mental or neurological problem. She should be evaluated by a doctor who specializes in geriatrics -- and while you're at it, the doctor should be told about her chronic depression and hoarding. One thing is certain: She won't get any better if you ignore the problem.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 41-year-old gay man who has survived the AIDS virus for almost 19 years. I recently had a bad health scare and realized there was so much I wanted to say to people. It occurred to me that I should write my own eulogy. I'm not sure if that's appropriate or just self-indulgent.
I'd appreciate your thoughts. A positive attitude has been my strength. -- "WATCH ME FLY" IN PALM SPRINGS
DEAR "WATCH ME FLY": If you would like to write your own eulogy, by all means do so. You won't be the first to do it, and it's a surefire way to assure your message gets across -- especially if it's videotaped.
P.S. I hope your "flight" is long delayed and you have many more good years in Palm Springs.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Woman Wants to Be Picture Perfect for Special Guy Online
DEAR ABBY: I joined an online dating service six months ago. Although my family disapproved, I researched my options and found a reputable company.
After two months of meeting numerous nice people whom I would consider friends, I met a really special guy. We have been talking on the phone and e-mailing for four months. We have never met, nor have we exchanged pictures. We wanted to get to know each other from the inside out first.
We have finally decided to exchange pictures. I asked a friend to take my picture and was disappointed with the results. I know I could look better. She says I'm being overly critical and shallow, that if he finds fault with the picture that I look just "OK" in, he's not worth it.
Shouldn't I attempt to send the best picture I can, even though he assures me that looks aren't everything? Don't I owe it to myself and to him to look good -- not just "OK"? -- OK BUT NOT GREAT IN IDAHO
DEAR OK: Listen to your head and not your girlfriend. Looks aren't everything, but they can be an asset. Go to a professional photographer and have some pictures taken with good lighting -- both head shots and photos that show your figure. It's called putting your best foot forward. First impressions are important, so don't sell yourself short.
DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in high school. This guy I like is very sweet, but he has a girlfriend. He likes me a lot, too, but he doesn't want anyone to be hurt so he's reluctant to break up with her. I told him I won't wait forever, and he told me he's trying to get her to break up with him.
He doesn't accept her calls, doesn't take her anywhere, and has asked his friends to tell her bad things about him. She refuses to get the message.
How can we get the point across to her without hurting her more than necessary? Did I mention that he's sweet, sensitive, caring and CUTE! -- IN LOVE IN GRAND RAPIDS
DEAR IN LOVE: He may be sweet, sensitive, caring and cute, but the boy is also too immature to realize that his unwillingness to level with his girlfriend will hurt her more in the long run than telling her the truth. Unless he speaks up, the girl will continue to hang on because she has nothing to lose. The sooner she hurts and heals, the sooner she can begin looking for someone who will truly care for her.
Now a word of caution to you: Watch carefully how he treats this girl, because chances are great that it's the way you will be treated one day.
DEAR ABBY: I am a nanny for twins who are now about 6 months old. I have a degree in education and specialize in preschool. Based on my experience with developmental milestones, it is quite obvious that one of the twins is hearing-impaired. I was hoping the pediatrician would notice it at their last physical, but that didn't happen. I don't know if it is my place to tell the mother, because I certainly wouldn't want to learn that my child cannot hear from the nanny. Should I let this go, or should I tell? -- NANNIFIED IN OHIO
DEAR NANNIFIED: You should certainly tell the mother that you are concerned about the child, and why. Suggest that during the baby's next visit to the pediatrician she mention your observation to the doctor. You are a professional, and as such, your expertise should be shared with your employer. It's the responsible thing to do.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)