For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Army Wife Struggles to Adjust to Husband's Return From Iraq
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rick," spent a year in Iraq. He has been home for 3 1/2 months. Before his return, the Army gave out a lot of information for us about what to expect upon his arrival -- how he might act, how the kids might react. None of it seems to have helped me.
Rick has had no trouble adjusting to being home. He has experienced no serious side effects from being there. The problem is me.
While Rick was gone, I did everything. I took care of our little boy, ran the house -- handled everything. Now that Rick is home, I'm having a hard time relearning how to share MY child and MY house with him. Yes, Abby, I know it's his baby and his house, too.
Rick's deployment was the first time I had ever lived by myself -- and I liked it. Now it seems that everything he does is wrong. Things that never used to bother me set me off now. I have gone from being a laid-back, patient person to a ranting, raving she-devil. Rick loads the dishwasher wrong and puts the toilet paper in backward; he drives wrong. Everything he does is wrong, because he does it differently than I do.
What's wrong with me? I know I'm acting like a lunatic. I love my husband very much and don't want to act this way. I want our marriage to be successful and happy. What can I do? -- ARMY WIFE IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR ARMY WIFE: There is nothing "wrong" with you. You are not the only wife who has felt this way. What the Army failed to tell you is that there's a period of readjustment not only for the returning soldier, but also for the spouse who was left behind. The solution lies in communicating your feelings before you explode.
The two of you must learn how to communicate effectively again. The secret is compromise. Taking time for just the two of you to be together would also be a giant step in the right direction. Both of you have changed during his deployment. If that doesn't improve the situation, marriage counseling should be your next step.
Keep in mind that you are among the lucky ones. Not everyone has been so fortunate as to have their loved ones return home.
DEAR ABBY: About a year ago, a friend of mine passed away. His funeral was more than 1,000 miles away. Because I didn't have much money, another friend called her best friend from high school and asked him to let me stay with him while I attended the funeral.
As a thank-you for his hospitality, I insisted on cooking for him my last night there. (He survived on frozen pizza!) We ate together, and at the end of the meal, he begged me not to leave yet. He had fallen in love with me, and I with him in the short time there! I changed my travel plans, and now a year later, we're engaged.
When people see that we're engaged, we always get asked, "How did you meet?" I tell them it was through a friend, but some people insist on hearing the whole story. Should we make something up? I can't tell people that I met him because of my friend's funeral! -- J.H. IN YONKERS
DEAR J.H.: Why not? It's a wonderful story. Out of sadness came joy; out of death came life. I consider your love story to be an affirmation -- and so should you.
Siblings' Jealous Attitude Sours Sister's Success
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Sam" for 20 years. He is a wonderful husband and provider. When I married Sam, we had nothing; now we have a home and rental properties.
My family seems to be jealous of the financial success we have achieved. My siblings make snide comments and have pulled away.
It came to a head the other night when my youngest sister announced to the family that I had gone online and anonymously threatened her family. Abby, I have never been anything but kind to them. They have an open invitation to visit our home and swim, and I have even bought her children clothing and shoes when she was unable to.
I don't understand this, and I'm very hurt. Please help me to put this in perspective, because I am fully aware that money cannot buy happiness -- happiness comes from family and loved ones. -- WRONGLY ACCUSED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: Your sister may be jealous, may have mental problems -- or may just have a need to be the center of attention. Since you have been generous with her, it may be time to realize that loving relationships are reciprocal. If your relatives are put off by what you and your husband have accomplished, the problem is really theirs, and you can't fix it.
P.S. If your sister did, in fact, receive a threatening e-mail, rather than accusing you, she should have informed the police.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have just started my junior year in high school. Last spring, I started dating "Rick," a guy in my class. After six weeks, he dropped me and started dating a popular girl. He never said it was over or gave me a reason for dumping me. He just stopped calling, wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't answer my phone calls. I was devastated.
Now that school has started again, I see Rick in the halls. I told him I still love him and would do anything to get back the way we were, and he was very rude. I know I need to move on, but I can't get him out of my heart. Please help. -- STUCK IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR STUCK: Part of your problem may be that you didn't have "closure" when the relationship with Rick was over. For him to have dropped you the way he did was cruel. Perhaps this will help you:
I recently attended a conference where a man approached me and stuck out his hand. He said he wanted to thank me for some advice I had given him years ago. Like you, he was having difficulty moving on after a romance had ended. At the time, I told him that he should pretend that his love object had tragically dropped dead. (It happens!) I said that although the person might still be alive, their romance WAS dead, and so were any illusions he had about the person. I also advised him that if he began to obsess again, he should remind himself out loud that he was only playing "old tapes" in his head and to change the channel.
He told me that my advice hadn't been easy to follow, but it had worked for him then and several times subsequently. (I have used the technique myself, and it worked for me.) Give it a try.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ASPIRING ACTRESS IN ACTON, CALIF.: Remember that "average" is as close to the bottom as it is to the top. There's a show business axiom: "A person's career usually lasts as long as the time spent preparing for it." So don't settle for less than your potential; always keep striving for the best.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Birthday Party Is Bittersweet in Wake of Grandma's Death
DEAR ABBY: My 56-year-old mother passed away suddenly six months ago. It happened two days before my daughter's fifth birthday. I didn't know what to do when Mom died -- cancel or let my daughter have the party Mom and I had planned. Well, I opted to go on with the celebration.
My dad just couldn't face it. He left the house. I know in my heart that Mom would not have wanted us to cancel her granddaughter's party. I loved my mom dearly and would never have done anything disrespectful to her memory. I miss her very much. She was my best friend, and it's hard going through life without her.
Did I do the right thing? -- MISSING MY MOM IN MAINE
DEAR MISSING: You did the right thing in going ahead with the party. I see no reason why a child of 5 should be forced to associate her special day with death and mourning if it's avoidable.
DEAR ABBY: I am a concerned parent. My children attend a school that has a very tight budget. The school system here cannot afford to hire teacher's aides, so I help out as much as I can.
Abby, it's crucial for parents to volunteer as much of their time as they can to help teachers. Even one hour a month would be helpful.
I know several mothers who trade baby-sitting so they have free time to go to the gym or shop, but they never give a thought to volunteering at the school. I swap baby-sitting duties with a friend so I can do those things, too, but we also make the time to help our children's teachers.
Our children and their education should be our No. 1 priority. Would you please help me encourage parents everywhere to volunteer their time at schools? Thank you. -- VOLUNTEER MOM IN PRINCETON, MINN.
DEAR MOM: Many schools are in crisis because of budget constraints and could use a helping hand from parents. Volunteering in schools not only allows the teachers to dedicate more time to teaching, but it also sets a good example for the children. Children of parents who are concerned about, and immediately involved in, their education earn better grades. Everyone benefits.
I know from personal experience how rewarding volunteering can be. Every time I have volunteered, I got more than I gave.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have four children together. We have been divorced for two years, but we have never stopped seeing each other. I have tried dating, and I'm sure he has too, but we always find our way back to each other.
We were married for 12 years, and the divorce was very painful. Abby, is it possible for two people who fear being hurt or disappointed again to make it the second time -- since we can't seem to stay away from each other? -- DIVORCED BUT STILL IN LOVE
DEAR DIVORCED: Some couples have made a go of it the second time around, but in order for it to work, you and your husband must be willing to confront the issues that destroyed your marriage on the first go-round, and resolve them before tying the knot again. This can be accomplished with marriage counseling. I wish you well.
DEAR READERS: This is just a gentle reminder that messages of support to our troops stationed around the world are their No. 1 morale booster. Show your support by visiting www.OperationDearAbby.net and telling them you appreciate their dedication. Bless you one and all.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)