For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Hopes to Open the Eyes of Woman Blind to His Love
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old, unattractive guy who is in love with my best female friend. "Chrissy" is 25 and a single mother. I have always adored her. We met in high school in 1996.
In 2002, Chrissy ran into an old high school boyfriend who was addicted to drugs and has psychological problems. She fell back in love with him, and soon they were dating. He was insecure about her having friends, especially someone of the opposite sex, so he gave her an ultimatum -- him or me. She chose him. A year later they had a baby. When Chrissy finally got it through her head that he was never going to change or give up drugs, she broke up with him.
Being the good guy -- or fool -- that I am, I became close with her again. Over time, I have gotten to know her son and have treated him like he was my own. I do anything and everything for them. I would like to have a real relationship with Chrissy. It makes me sad that she'd rather go out with guys who don't really care for her (she admits it herself) than see how much I love her. I want so much to be with her, but I know she doesn't see me in that light.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to say something because if I do, she'll pull back and probably stop seeing me altogether. My friends say I should speak up or stop seeing her, but I can't. To quote a song, "I'd rather live in her world, than live without her in mine."
I pray every night for God to grant me this one prayer. What can I do to make this work? -- DESPERATELY SEEKING "CHRISSY"
DEAR DESPERATE: You've done enough already. Your belief that you are unattractive may be part of your problem. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and Chrissy may be just plain masochistic about men. If Chrissy is unable to recognize the value of what you have to offer, it would be healthier for you to distance yourself and find a woman who's a better judge of men.
I agree with your friends that it's time to lay your cards on the table. You deserve to have a loving relationship. Love is at its best when it's mutual. When it's not, it's torture. So stop torturing yourself and allowing yourself to be taken for granted. Remember: Some of God's greatest blessings are unanswered prayers.
DEAR ABBY: We are a group of women who get together to play poker a couple of evenings a week. We are all well-educated and comfortably retired. Two of us have very slight regional accents.
In our group is a woman I'll call "Winifred," who is funny, accommodating and good-hearted. However, Winifred has appointed herself our English teacher without our permission. She delights in correcting us for what she considers mispronounced words. We are proud of our accents and have never asked to be corrected. We find it not only rude, but embarrassing. How can we discourage Winnie without breaking up the group? -- ACES HIGH IN THE EAST
DEAR ACES HIGH: The next time Winnie corrects you, smile and say, "We've done all right with these accents so far. It's part of what makes us unique. So please stop trying to make us sound like everyone else. We're happy as we are." If she takes offense and folds, deal her out. The alternative is tolerating more of her rudeness.
Hairdressers Get Clipped by Clients Who Don't Tip
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Curly in Chesterfield, Mo.," who asked for guidelines on tipping hairdressers who rent their stations and keep 100 percent of the fees they charge. "Curly" was of the opinion that tipping is only for people who work on commission.
You correctly advised her to ask her hairdresser if tips are accepted -- and advised her that the usual amount is 15 to 20 percent of the bill.
Speaking as a hairstylist for the last 20 years, I cannot believe the number of people who don't know how to tip. Whether the stylist is an owner, manager or just a hairstylist, that person is still giving the customer a service. Many of my clients give more than that, and some still give nothing.
People should remember that when they give a tip, they are saying, "Thank you." -- STYLIST IN WISCONSIN
DEAR STYLIST: Not everyone agrees. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your reply to "Curly." My hairdresser rents her station from the salon owner. She sets her own prices and hours. I typically pay her $100 for a cut, style and highlights, which takes her about 2 1/2 hours. The woman makes more per hour than I do, at a business she basically owns!
I only tip people who work for someone and earn minimum wage. I don't tip restaurant owners, and they don't expect it. They want my return business. -- RENE IN SAN PEDRO
DEAR RENE: And that's your privilege. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a self-employed hairstylist, and I'd like to respond to "Curly." We may take home 100 percent of our fees, but after we pay for rent, supplies, taxes and the salary of our shampoo girls, we keep only about 50 percent of what we make. I would love not to depend on tips, but in the town where I live, hairstylists can't command large fees. I am very grateful for my clients' generosity. -- M. IN VIRGINIA
DEAR M.: You are not the only person who wanted to explain the financial facts of life regarding the beauty business. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for your response to "Curly." Customers think that because we pay rent, we pocket all our income. Wrong! People don't realize that on top of the rent we pay, we must also purchase all of our own tools, chemicals and products. Our scissors alone cost at least $150 -- most of the time more. When they need sharpening, it costs $25. We have no benefits. We must pay for 100 percent of our insurance. If our kids get sick and we can't work -- we don't get paid. We are considered self-employed, so we pay all of our Social Security. (When you are employed by someone else, the employer pays half.) When a customer stands us up, we are not only out the money, but we are also out the time we allocated for that customer.
It is amazing to me how those who have the most money are the stingiest tippers -- and the people who have little are so generous! I feel that when you treat customers with love and cater to their needs, a tip is their response to how well we are doing our job. -- MISS TRESS IN KANKAKEE, ILL.
DEAR MISS TRESS: And so do I.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boyfriend Refuses to Say 'Oui' to Bilingual Mom's Request
DEAR ABBY: I am fluent in French and English. I want my daughter, "Chantal," to speak both languages. I am in a relationship with a man ("Clark") who has three children who live with him full time. I am wondering if speaking French to Chantal in front of Clark and his children is rude. My daughter's first language is French, and I have always conversed with her in French.
This has been a point of contention for some time now. I have asked Clark to make an effort to learn French, but he has no desire to, nor do his children.
There is a "closeness" factor, I believe, in sharing my mother tongue (my mother is French, my father American) with my daughter, and I would like to carry it down the generations. Clark says I can talk to Chantal in French when we're alone, but that wouldn't be often. What do you think? Is this worth ending the relationship? -- FRANCO-FILLE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR FILLE: It's interesting that you have framed your question in black-and-white. Surely your daughter can remain fluent in French without excluding Clark and his children from your conversations. If you love him and care about his children's feelings, you can enroll your daughter in French language and literature classes, and send her to visit her French-speaking grandmother, and -- if it's affordable -- take her someplace where French is the dominant language for a vacation. (If Clark and his children went along, it might inspire them to learn.) This, in addition to spending one-on-one time with your daughter, would keep her French from getting rusty, without sacrificing a relationship with someone you care about.
P.S. Even if you end the relationship, there is no guarantee that your daughter would continue to pass her French along to her own children.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Misty," is now dating my father (who is still married to my mom, but separated). Mom blames me. She says it's all my fault because I brought Misty into the family. We have two kids. What can I do to get past all the hurt and pain? I'm depressed all the time, and it has reached the point that it is affecting my work and everyone around me. Please help. -- DESTROYED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR DESTROYED: Two selfish people decided their passions could not be denied, and innocent bystanders -- in this case you and your mother -- have been devastated. Your father's misbehavior and your wife's was not your fault. Your mother blames you because she is unable to project her anger where it really belongs, which is on your father.
Both you and your mom could use counseling to work through this soap opera. Please take my advice and waste no time in seeking a referral -- perhaps to a therapist with two couches, since you and your mother are suffering from the same problem.
DEAR ABBY: A young woman I know is dealing with the death of her twin sister, the result of a tragic accident. Although she continues to "work through" her grief with her family and other siblings, she would like to be able to talk to another surviving twin for help in coping with her pain.
Is there a support group for twins who have lost their twin? Any information would be appreciated. -- WANTS TO HELP IN OHIO
DEAR WANTS: Have I got a group for her! It's Twinless Twins Support Group International. Founded in 1985, it offers support for twins who have lost their twin (or other multiple), as well as information and referrals, phone support, conferences and more. Your grieving friend can contact the group by writing: Twinless Twins Support Group, P.O. Box 980481, Ypsilanti, MI 48198-0481, or visit the Web site, www.twinlesstwins.org.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)