For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Siblings' Jealous Attitude Sours Sister's Success
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Sam" for 20 years. He is a wonderful husband and provider. When I married Sam, we had nothing; now we have a home and rental properties.
My family seems to be jealous of the financial success we have achieved. My siblings make snide comments and have pulled away.
It came to a head the other night when my youngest sister announced to the family that I had gone online and anonymously threatened her family. Abby, I have never been anything but kind to them. They have an open invitation to visit our home and swim, and I have even bought her children clothing and shoes when she was unable to.
I don't understand this, and I'm very hurt. Please help me to put this in perspective, because I am fully aware that money cannot buy happiness -- happiness comes from family and loved ones. -- WRONGLY ACCUSED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR WRONGLY ACCUSED: Your sister may be jealous, may have mental problems -- or may just have a need to be the center of attention. Since you have been generous with her, it may be time to realize that loving relationships are reciprocal. If your relatives are put off by what you and your husband have accomplished, the problem is really theirs, and you can't fix it.
P.S. If your sister did, in fact, receive a threatening e-mail, rather than accusing you, she should have informed the police.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have just started my junior year in high school. Last spring, I started dating "Rick," a guy in my class. After six weeks, he dropped me and started dating a popular girl. He never said it was over or gave me a reason for dumping me. He just stopped calling, wouldn't talk to me and wouldn't answer my phone calls. I was devastated.
Now that school has started again, I see Rick in the halls. I told him I still love him and would do anything to get back the way we were, and he was very rude. I know I need to move on, but I can't get him out of my heart. Please help. -- STUCK IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR STUCK: Part of your problem may be that you didn't have "closure" when the relationship with Rick was over. For him to have dropped you the way he did was cruel. Perhaps this will help you:
I recently attended a conference where a man approached me and stuck out his hand. He said he wanted to thank me for some advice I had given him years ago. Like you, he was having difficulty moving on after a romance had ended. At the time, I told him that he should pretend that his love object had tragically dropped dead. (It happens!) I said that although the person might still be alive, their romance WAS dead, and so were any illusions he had about the person. I also advised him that if he began to obsess again, he should remind himself out loud that he was only playing "old tapes" in his head and to change the channel.
He told me that my advice hadn't been easy to follow, but it had worked for him then and several times subsequently. (I have used the technique myself, and it worked for me.) Give it a try.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ASPIRING ACTRESS IN ACTON, CALIF.: Remember that "average" is as close to the bottom as it is to the top. There's a show business axiom: "A person's career usually lasts as long as the time spent preparing for it." So don't settle for less than your potential; always keep striving for the best.
Birthday Party Is Bittersweet in Wake of Grandma's Death
DEAR ABBY: My 56-year-old mother passed away suddenly six months ago. It happened two days before my daughter's fifth birthday. I didn't know what to do when Mom died -- cancel or let my daughter have the party Mom and I had planned. Well, I opted to go on with the celebration.
My dad just couldn't face it. He left the house. I know in my heart that Mom would not have wanted us to cancel her granddaughter's party. I loved my mom dearly and would never have done anything disrespectful to her memory. I miss her very much. She was my best friend, and it's hard going through life without her.
Did I do the right thing? -- MISSING MY MOM IN MAINE
DEAR MISSING: You did the right thing in going ahead with the party. I see no reason why a child of 5 should be forced to associate her special day with death and mourning if it's avoidable.
DEAR ABBY: I am a concerned parent. My children attend a school that has a very tight budget. The school system here cannot afford to hire teacher's aides, so I help out as much as I can.
Abby, it's crucial for parents to volunteer as much of their time as they can to help teachers. Even one hour a month would be helpful.
I know several mothers who trade baby-sitting so they have free time to go to the gym or shop, but they never give a thought to volunteering at the school. I swap baby-sitting duties with a friend so I can do those things, too, but we also make the time to help our children's teachers.
Our children and their education should be our No. 1 priority. Would you please help me encourage parents everywhere to volunteer their time at schools? Thank you. -- VOLUNTEER MOM IN PRINCETON, MINN.
DEAR MOM: Many schools are in crisis because of budget constraints and could use a helping hand from parents. Volunteering in schools not only allows the teachers to dedicate more time to teaching, but it also sets a good example for the children. Children of parents who are concerned about, and immediately involved in, their education earn better grades. Everyone benefits.
I know from personal experience how rewarding volunteering can be. Every time I have volunteered, I got more than I gave.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have four children together. We have been divorced for two years, but we have never stopped seeing each other. I have tried dating, and I'm sure he has too, but we always find our way back to each other.
We were married for 12 years, and the divorce was very painful. Abby, is it possible for two people who fear being hurt or disappointed again to make it the second time -- since we can't seem to stay away from each other? -- DIVORCED BUT STILL IN LOVE
DEAR DIVORCED: Some couples have made a go of it the second time around, but in order for it to work, you and your husband must be willing to confront the issues that destroyed your marriage on the first go-round, and resolve them before tying the knot again. This can be accomplished with marriage counseling. I wish you well.
DEAR READERS: This is just a gentle reminder that messages of support to our troops stationed around the world are their No. 1 morale booster. Show your support by visiting www.OperationDearAbby.net and telling them you appreciate their dedication. Bless you one and all.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Internet Poseur Is Cheating on His Real Life Partner
DEAR ABBY: I am 36 and "Vito," my significant other, is 44. I recently learned that he has been posing as a woman on an Internet swingers' site. He sends people naked photos of a girl -- and once I found a picture of a naked man. (Not him.) One of his objectives is to recruit couples for a threesome, and I believe he is also doing cybersex.
When I confronted Vito, he said it was just a joke. But it isn't the first time he has done this, and it is very hurtful.
Abby, Vito is sneaky, passive-aggressive and an alcoholic. I have always believed if you had to hide something from your partner or spouse, it was cheating. Is cybersex cheating? -- BLONDIE IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR BLONDIE: Yes, cybersex is cheating. When someone hides something from a spouse or partner, it's usually with the knowledge that the spouse or partner would disapprove.
Now, I have a question for you: Why are you wasting your time with someone who sneaks around looking for other sex partners? Romances like yours don't have happy endings. Be smart. Get checked for STDs and call it quits with Vito.
DEAR ABBY: My younger brother, who is 53, recently lost his job. His wife has never worked. They have spent their life traveling, driving expensive cars and entertaining lavishly. They never saved a nickel.
I, on the other hand, have always lived frugally. My wife and I put our kids through college, we live in a modest home, drive older cars and have never vacationed outside the United States. We have saved diligently and plan early retirement in a year or two.
My mother and sister think we should help my brother and his wife out by lending them money that we know will never be repaid. My brother has put me down for my thrifty ways, saying I could die tomorrow, then what good would all that money be?
Well, tomorrow is here. My wife and I are prepared for whatever life may deal us in the future. Mom and Sis are angry that we refuse to give money to my brother and his wife. They made their bed -- now they can lie in it.
Abby, please tell me if I'm right. -- ABLE BUT UNWILLING IN ALABAMA
DEAR ABLE: Your philosophy of financial planning has paid off, while your brother is now paying dearly for failing to provide for his future. Far be it from me to raise Cain with you about your decision, but if you felt comfortable, you wouldn't be asking me to endorse it.
DEAR ABBY: I work with a man named James. We have become friends over the past few weeks, and it's obvious there is an attraction between us. I would never want to break up a marriage, and I don't want to change our relationship. Is simply flirting with a married man -- who flirts back -- OK if neither of you has any intentions? -- LIKES THE ATTENTION IN NORTON, MASS.
DEAR LIKES THE ATTENTION: You say the two of you are "obviously" attracted to each other. That's how office romances begin. You are playing with fire. Listen to your gut (and nothing below) and you won't be sorry.
A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: If your little ones will be trick-or-treating this weekend, please be sure they are supervised to assure their safety.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)