A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: If your little ones will be trick-or-treating this weekend, please be sure they are supervised to assure their safety.
Internet Poseur Is Cheating on His Real Life Partner
DEAR ABBY: I am 36 and "Vito," my significant other, is 44. I recently learned that he has been posing as a woman on an Internet swingers' site. He sends people naked photos of a girl -- and once I found a picture of a naked man. (Not him.) One of his objectives is to recruit couples for a threesome, and I believe he is also doing cybersex.
When I confronted Vito, he said it was just a joke. But it isn't the first time he has done this, and it is very hurtful.
Abby, Vito is sneaky, passive-aggressive and an alcoholic. I have always believed if you had to hide something from your partner or spouse, it was cheating. Is cybersex cheating? -- BLONDIE IN DAYTONA BEACH
DEAR BLONDIE: Yes, cybersex is cheating. When someone hides something from a spouse or partner, it's usually with the knowledge that the spouse or partner would disapprove.
Now, I have a question for you: Why are you wasting your time with someone who sneaks around looking for other sex partners? Romances like yours don't have happy endings. Be smart. Get checked for STDs and call it quits with Vito.
DEAR ABBY: My younger brother, who is 53, recently lost his job. His wife has never worked. They have spent their life traveling, driving expensive cars and entertaining lavishly. They never saved a nickel.
I, on the other hand, have always lived frugally. My wife and I put our kids through college, we live in a modest home, drive older cars and have never vacationed outside the United States. We have saved diligently and plan early retirement in a year or two.
My mother and sister think we should help my brother and his wife out by lending them money that we know will never be repaid. My brother has put me down for my thrifty ways, saying I could die tomorrow, then what good would all that money be?
Well, tomorrow is here. My wife and I are prepared for whatever life may deal us in the future. Mom and Sis are angry that we refuse to give money to my brother and his wife. They made their bed -- now they can lie in it.
Abby, please tell me if I'm right. -- ABLE BUT UNWILLING IN ALABAMA
DEAR ABLE: Your philosophy of financial planning has paid off, while your brother is now paying dearly for failing to provide for his future. Far be it from me to raise Cain with you about your decision, but if you felt comfortable, you wouldn't be asking me to endorse it.
DEAR ABBY: I work with a man named James. We have become friends over the past few weeks, and it's obvious there is an attraction between us. I would never want to break up a marriage, and I don't want to change our relationship. Is simply flirting with a married man -- who flirts back -- OK if neither of you has any intentions? -- LIKES THE ATTENTION IN NORTON, MASS.
DEAR LIKES THE ATTENTION: You say the two of you are "obviously" attracted to each other. That's how office romances begin. You are playing with fire. Listen to your gut (and nothing below) and you won't be sorry.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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Those Who Suffer Incontinence Are Embarrassed to Seek Help
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from "Can't Stand It in N.J.," whose boyfriend wets the bed every night. There are many misconceptions about incontinence. Chances are he refuses to see a physician because he is embarrassed or may not understand the treatment options and resources available to him. Abby, he is not alone in this. An estimated 25 million Americans are plagued by incontinence problems.
Incontinence, if left undiagnosed and untreated, can be debilitating. It may cause the loss of independence, self-respect and healthy sexuality. But, despite these potential consequences, the majority of people with incontinence -- 66 percent -- have never discussed the subject of urinary health with a doctor or nurse.
It's time to help people address this "taboo" subject. The National Association for Continence (NAFC), is a nonprofit organization whose mission is to educate the public about the causes and cures for incontinence. We offer a free packet of information about incontinence, including a brochure titled "Seeking Treatment" to help prepare for a visit with a doctor to make a first visit as productive as possible.
Please encourage any of your readers with questions about incontinence to call our NAFC toll-free number (800) 252-3337. It is staffed by a full-time health educator to answer questions for callers. We also have a Web site, www.nafc.org, filled with information about incontinence, treatment and management options.
I strongly encourage "Can't Stand It" to contact NAFC for information and present it to her boyfriend so he can be educated and encouraged to seek help. Incontinence can be managed or treated -- and it will allow both of them to improve their quality of life together. -- NANCY MULLER, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, NAFC
DEAR NANCY: Since printing that letter, I have received letters from readers informing me that incontinence can be caused by a variety of ailments -- which include allergies, spinal cord problems, a sleep disorder and kidney disease, to name a few. Most of these problems can be dealt with if a person is willing to discuss them with a medical professional.
"Can't Stand It" indicated that her boyfriend steadfastly refused to see a doctor about his problem, and she had reached the end of her rope in waking up every morning in a wet bed, so I told her it was time to say goodbye. If this was something he couldn't help, I wouldn't have been so quick to say it. However, it's hard to find sympathy for a person who is not willing to help himself.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old boy with one request: a girlfriend. I have tried, on five separate occasions, to explain to my mother that I'm not her little boy anymore, but I'm bad with words and my message did not get through. She's afraid I'm going to have sex and get in trouble with the cops, but I'm not that kind of person.
I know what to do and what not to do, but my mom won't listen. All I want is a little affection from someone other than my relatives. Is that so wrong? -- NEEDS HELP IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR NEEDS HELP: No, it's not wrong; it's normal. Your mother might wish to keep you "safely out of trouble," but she's going about it in the wrong way. You would be better served if your mother made certain that you know what you need to assure that you make smart and healthy choices, because in a very short time you will no longer be asking her permission. No one can hold back the hands of time, and you're maturing right on schedule.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
POUNDING ON BASKETBALL COURT IS ECHOING IN NEIGHBOR'S HEAD
DEAR ABBY: My problem is my neighbor's home basketball court. The parents are oblivious to how far the noise travels. My ears are constantly assaulted by the thump, thump and screaming of children that goes along with the game. It's impossible on most days and evenings to sit on my porch and read a book, or in my living room without closing the windows.
Most people hate to complain to the offending neighbors because they're nice people, even though they are clueless. Zoning board members: How about outlawing basketball hoops in neighborhoods where there's less than 500 feet between houses? Give us a break.
As taxpayers, we're assessed to provide bigger and better playgrounds and school gyms. That's where basketball hoops belong. Driveways shouldn't supersede the local playground. Please, parents, unless you live on a lot that's an acre or larger, take down that horrid noisemaker and take the kids to the playground. Show some consideration for your neighbors. -- FRACTURED EARDRUM IN THE SUNBELT
DEAR FRACTURED: Whether or not the sound of children playing is an annoying racket depends on one's perspective. If you are a parent, the sound is music to the ears -- and when those days are over, the happy sound will be missed.
Sometimes being a good neighbor involves striking a compromise. Since you're being driven out of your gourd, speak to the parents of these budding basketball stars and negotiate some time limits for the games.
DEAR ABBY: A treasured friend of my mother's -- a lady who knew me from birth (I am now 56) -- passed away recently. I was brought up to call her "Auntie." She was closer to me than some of my blood relatives. My children and I adored her. We called her long-distance, sent her flowers on special occasions, and saw her every time she came to town -- which was two to four times a year.
Finally it was necessary for her to go to a nursing home. The last time we went to visit her, the nurses said, "Oh, didn't you know? She passed away a month ago!" Her only son lives far away. He never bothered to call and notify us. We had to find out the hard way.
Abby, our number was in her current phone and address book. We were never given the opportunity to mourn. Her son didn't think enough of us to even pick up the phone. He knew we loved his mother and that we included her in all our family gatherings. I'm sad and angry at his lack of compassion.
Auntie had four husbands die on her. We loved them all and called them "Uncle," and planned all the funerals with Auntie's son in full agreement. So what could have been the problem?
Abby, won't you please remind your readers again to call dear friends about a death in the family? This is inexcusable. We are ... MOURNING IN TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR MOURNING: Your problem is more common than you think. Often when there's a death in the family, a close friend will assume the sad task of phoning the people in the deceased's address book to notify them. Obviously, this was not done on the occasion of Auntie's death -- and your letter poignantly illustrates the pain that can be caused by the unfortunate oversight.
Please give Auntie's son the benefit of the doubt. Assume that he was so grief-stricken by the loss of his mother that he was unable to make the calls he should have made. When your anger has lessened, write to tell him how deeply disturbed and saddened you were to learn of his mother's death from nursing home staff rather than from him and offer your condolences.
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