DEAR ABBY: A treasured friend of my mother's -- a lady who knew me from birth (I am now 56) -- passed away recently. I was brought up to call her "Auntie." She was closer to me than some of my blood relatives. My children and I adored her. We called her long-distance, sent her flowers on special occasions, and saw her every time she came to town -- which was two to four times a year.
Finally it was necessary for her to go to a nursing home. The last time we went to visit her, the nurses said, "Oh, didn't you know? She passed away a month ago!" Her only son lives far away. He never bothered to call and notify us. We had to find out the hard way.
Abby, our number was in her current phone and address book. We were never given the opportunity to mourn. Her son didn't think enough of us to even pick up the phone. He knew we loved his mother and that we included her in all our family gatherings. I'm sad and angry at his lack of compassion.
Auntie had four husbands die on her. We loved them all and called them "Uncle," and planned all the funerals with Auntie's son in full agreement. So what could have been the problem?
Abby, won't you please remind your readers again to call dear friends about a death in the family? This is inexcusable. We are ... MOURNING IN TACOMA, WASH.
DEAR MOURNING: Your problem is more common than you think. Often when there's a death in the family, a close friend will assume the sad task of phoning the people in the deceased's address book to notify them. Obviously, this was not done on the occasion of Auntie's death -- and your letter poignantly illustrates the pain that can be caused by the unfortunate oversight.
Please give Auntie's son the benefit of the doubt. Assume that he was so grief-stricken by the loss of his mother that he was unable to make the calls he should have made. When your anger has lessened, write to tell him how deeply disturbed and saddened you were to learn of his mother's death from nursing home staff rather than from him and offer your condolences.