Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife in 'Perfect' Couple Is Ready to Pack Up and Leave
DEAR ABBY: For 35 years I have been married to the most manipulative, cunning, critical man ever born. "Homer" gets what he wants by using "helpful hints," offering "advice" and telling me "what's best," and sometimes even getting blue in the face and crying. He is very good at it, never quite overplaying his hand. He wears me down until I finally give in.
By using this technique, Homer has made sure that we live where he wants to live, vacation where he wants to go, drive the car he likes, and have even decorated our home in his preferred colors.
During the first years of our marriage, I gave in because I loved him. Later, I did it to avoid an argument. Now I do it out of habit. I loathe Homer for making me a doormat, and I loathe myself for allowing it to happen.
Homer will be retiring after the first of the year with a very nice annuity, which I feel I have earned, too. I have a small pension, but it's too small to live on my own. I don't know if I can bear Homer's company 24/7, but can I really start again at 65?
Everyone calls us the "perfect couple," but I am miserable and he is driving me closer to the door. I have often thought of just packing up and leaving. Can you help? -- SAD IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SAD: Since you know you can't bear your husband's company 24/7, consider some alternatives. One solution might be to volunteer your time to a worthy cause. According to AARP, research has proven that regular volunteering prolongs life expectancy and improves a person's physical and psychological well-being. In your case, it is essential.
The National Senior Service Corps specializes in placing older volunteers in volunteer assignments in their communities. Three national programs under the NSSC umbrella are the Foster Grandparent Program, the Senior Companion Program, and the Retired and Senior Volunteer Program -- a "one-stop shopping" for senior volunteers. To find out what's available in your community, call (800) 424-8867, or search online at: joinseniorservice.org.
As to your not having enough money to live on your own, volunteers are sometimes hired for full-time positions -- and that would mean your economic situation could change for the better. Please consider volunteering, because it could serve a dual purpose and save your sanity.
DEAR ABBY: You often advise people to seek counseling from psychotherapists. You are "right on" with that advice, but please also tell them not to give up if the therapist they find doesn't work for them.
I am 60 years old and on my fourth therapist. I finally found someone who is helping me, and I feel great. I didn't give up and all my hard work is paying off.
I spent most of my life wishing I were dead. It will take time to work through the feelings that took years to cultivate. My "temporary" problem lasted more than 50 years. If I can get better, anyone can.
The money I'm paying my therapist (none of which is covered by insurance) is cheap at twice the price. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am at peace. -- FEELING BETTER IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR FEELING BETTER: Congratulations on your progress. I'm pleased you finally found a therapist who is meeting your needs. Sometimes finding that "perfect fit" can be a process of trial and error, and I commend you for not giving up.
Reaction to Grandson's Illness Causes Major Family Headache
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Sharon," and I had a wonderful relationship until I gave birth. Almost overnight, Sharon became extremely overbearing about how I should raise her grandson, "Charlie." (He is now 8.)
Recently, Charlie contracted a common childhood illness. Although I had been taking him to the pediatrician regularly, Sharon kept insisting that I wasn't caring for him properly. One afternoon when she was baby-sitting, she went so far as to take Charlie to his pediatrician and tell the doctor that I wasn't treating his illness. When the pediatrician didn't tell Sharon what she wanted to hear, she took Charlie home with her and gave him some medicine she had at her house. When I found out, I was horrified. (What if he'd had an allergic reaction?)
When I called Sharon to discuss the matter, she hung up on me. So I sent her an e-mail and told her how devious I thought she had been, and that she was no longer welcome to baby-sit Charlie at her house, although she could visit him at our home if she wished. No response.
Two days later our doorbell rang. It was a visit from Child Protective Services. Charlie's pediatrician had to be contacted as well as his school counselor. It was very embarrassing. After an investigation, the matter was dismissed.
Sharon has never denied that she called CPS, nor has she made any effort to apologize. My husband and I have no wish to speak to her until she does. Are we right to avoid her, and should we wait for her to come to us? We hate to be in a feud, but we worry that she may try something like this again if she doesn't see there are consequences for her actions. -- EMBARRASSED IN NEW YORK
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Grandma may have thought she knew best, but she should have quit after consulting Charlie's pediatrician. For her to have given her grandson leftover meds without authorization from you or his doctor was child endangerment. If you wait for Sharon to come to you, Charlie may not see his grandmother before he reaches adulthood. And in your case, unless there are strict ground rules, that may be the safest thing for your son. Hang tough.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15, and recently broke up with my boyfriend, "Mike." I believe in waiting for marriage to have sex, and he doesn't. That's why I ended it.
I didn't want things to go past kissing, but because of Mike's pushing, prodding and relentless arguing, it did. I would sometimes have to use force to get him to stop.
My mother adores Mike and made me keep all his gifts and pictures in the hope that we'll get back together. She doesn't know that we were 1 inch from losing our virginity. Should I tell her what happened? And what should I do with the gifts? -- ASHAMED IN DECATUR, GA.
DEAR ASHAMED: By all means tell your mother why you broke things off -- especially the pressure to which you were subjected and the fact that Mike wouldn't take no for an answer. She needs to wake up, stop idealizing him, and recognize that you were nearly raped.
Return the gifts and mementos. As long as you keep them, Mike will think the door is open. It's not, and for good reason.
P.S. That boy's parents should be notified, so they can teach their son about boundaries before he winds up in serious trouble.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dad Forms Silent Partnership to Give Daughter Summer Job
DEAR ABBY: Please settle an argument I'm having with my wife. Our 18-year-old daughter, "Crystal," suffers from ADHD. Last June, my wife insisted that Crystal get a summer job. After weeks of searching, the only job Crystal could find was selling door-to-door.
I was afraid that this door-to-door sales might put my daughter in danger, so I quietly approached the owner of a small business nearby and paid her to give Crystal a job. Crystal did well, and it turned out to be a positive work experience -- her first for someone non-family.
My wife just found out what I did, and she is irate. I didn't tell her because she is such a penny-pincher -- she complained about piano lessons for Crystal during her senior year because "she was going to college anyway."
Is what I did so terribly wrong? I think it was a good thing. -- IN THE DOGHOUSE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR "IN": Although you did not mention the toll that having ADHD has taken on your daughter, I'm sure it has been significant. You weren't wrong to want to level the playing field for your daughter and ensure her safety. The benefit to both of you is that she now has a summer of work experience behind her -- and the confidence that goes along with it -- and you had peace of mind. You behaved like a concerned and loving father, and that is laudable.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a problem with the little boy who lives across the street. Any time we pull into our driveway, the youngster will come right over to greet us with 100 questions before we can even exit the vehicle.
If we're in our front yard, he will come over and won't leave, even though we tell him we're busy doing yard work. It has reached the point where we look out the window before we go outside. If he comes over, we go inside immediately. We would like to enjoy all the hard work we have put into our yard and enjoy our patio again.
This may sound selfish, but we just want to be left alone.
How can we handle this without hurting the child's feelings and keep peace with our neighbors? It has plagued us for far too long. -- PRISONERS IN OUR OWN HOME, NORWICH, CONN.
DEAR PRISONERS: You have described a very lonely little boy. I am sure if he had other things to do, and friends to play with, he wouldn't be depending on you for human contact. However, since you and your husband are not child-oriented, I advise you to speak to the boy's parents and urge them to get their son into some activities where he can be entertained and interact with his peers. You would be doing the boy a favor.
DEAR ABBY: I have known "Cassie" for more than a year. We both like each other a lot, but she has asked me to "give her a few weeks" because she needs to regain the trust she lost because of her ex. Well, it has been six weeks, and we barely even talk anymore because she's so busy with work and extracurricular activities. What should I do? -- MATTHEW IN INDIANA
DEAR MATTHEW: Get busy with YOUR work and extracurricular activities. That way you'll have less time to worry about Cassie, who, from my perspective, is nowhere near ready for another relationship with anyone.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)