For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife With Bullying Husband Has Reason to Feel Depressed
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for seven. During the last five years, he has picked fights with me. He tells me I'm worthless, that he doesn't care if we have sex or not because he can get it someplace else, and that I'm stupid.
I have been depressed for nearly six years. I want to get on anti-depressants, but my husband doesn't believe in them and doesn't want me on them. I cry myself to sleep at night and have even started having nightmares. I went through this when I was young, after my mom moved out. I know what depression is, but I can't convince my husband that I need the medicine.
During our last fight, he told me the only reason he ever said he was sorry and I'm still around is because he wants me here so he can have the kids around all the time, and because it's convenient. He apologized later, but I'm left wondering if he said it only to keep me around waiting on him hand and foot.
Please help me. My husband doesn't believe in counseling. –- BEATEN DOWN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR BEATEN DOWN: Since when do you need anyone's permission to talk to a doctor? Please do so right away to discuss your long history of depression. While you are there, mention the fact that your husband is verbally abusive and ask for a referral to a licensed marriage counselor. Should your verbally abusive spouse refuse to go with you, go without him. Your mental heath must come first. Once you start feeling better about yourself, you'll be better able to deal with your husband.
P.S. If your physician feels you should be on medication, then what your husband thinks or says about it should be of no consequence. Take your cues from your doctor.
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "June," came to live with my husband and me two years ago because living arrangements with her son didn't work out. Since then, my husband of 50 years has passed on. My house is too big for me to take care of because I have medical problems of my own.
June doesn't help with any of the household chores or bills. I have wanted to sell my house ever since my children moved out years ago, but my husband wanted to keep it in case any of them needed to come back.
Four of my children have invited me into their homes, but what should I do with June? I love my sister and don't want to throw her out into the street, but I want to move on. Please help me. -- TORN SENIOR IN NEW YORK
DEAR TORN: You were wonderful to have provided a refuge for your sister when she needed it. However, she's an able-bodied adult and should not be your responsibility. It's time for your sister to make other living arrangements. Talk to her and set a date for her to move. If she can't afford to live alone, she should find a roommate with whom to share expenses. You have done enough.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, the father of my children, is very ill. I'd like some advice regarding proper etiquette should something happen to him. I'd like to attend his funeral, and he has never remarried -- so what is my role in all of this? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN FLORIDA
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Your "role" should be to support your children and offer condolences to his family if he has any. Since you are divorced, you are no longer a part of the family, nor are you considered to be his widow. Dress inconspicuously and take your cues from the grieving family.
Mother Seeks Spell to Make Daughter Break Up With Lover
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Danni," is 36. She was heterosexual until she spent five years in prison. Ever since her release, she has been living in a lesbian relationship with a woman named "Marty." But sometimes she comes to my house and uses my computer to visit lesbian sites, trying to find another lover.
I hate the woman Danni is with now. I try to treat Marty with respect because I love my daughter. But I am considering trying to find a spell book and casting a spell to make Danni break up with Marty.
Do you know where I could find a book with spells in it? Marty is bigger than Danni. They got into a fist fight recently, and Danni came to me covered with bruises. Please tell me what to do. I don't know ... WITCH WAY TO TURN
DEAR WITCH: Let me "spell" a few things out to you. Your daughter should not be looking for another romance until after she has ended and healed from this one. Since her current relationship has turned violent, the book you should both be reaching for isn't a spell book -– it's your local phone book. If she is injured again, the police should be called and she should be taken to a hospital and her injuries photographed. Your daughter may need to obtain a restraining order to keep her girlfriend away.
The Domestic Violence Hotline -- (800) 799-7233 -- should also be contacted. It won't be the first time it has gotten a call from a gay person. The experts there can help your daughter to formulate an escape plan.
Also, please urge your daughter to contact the nearest gay and lesbian center and inquire about counseling services. Counseling will prevent her from jumping out of "the pen" and into another violent relationship.
DEAR ABBY: A few days ago, there was a gun threat at my school. Although the students are checked every day with hand-held metal detectors, and sometimes the kind you walk through, my friends and I don't feel safe.
The hand-held scanners are used only on the fronts and sides of students –- not the backs -– and they are used only down to our knees. Security guards hold our purses, gym bags, etc. when we walk through the metal detector, and then give them back to us without looking through them.
I would like to have this changed and make sure that our school is truly safe, but I'm not sure how. Any ideas? -- FEARFUL IN KENTUCKY
DEAR FEARFUL: Speak to the administrators at your school and tell them what you have told me. If you can't bring yourself to do it, then write an anonymous note. Were I the principal of your school, and a student had spotted a hole in my security procedures that was big enough for the football team to jog through, I would certainly want to know.
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago I met a man named "Ryan." Six months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant with my son. One of my friends finally confided to me that Ryan was living a double life –- he had been married for the last 10 years and has six children.
When Ryan went to jail on a drug charge, I told his wife about the affair and that we had a son. For some reason, she still wants to be with him. Ryan wrote me and said he still wants us to sleep together when he gets out.
Please tell me how I can get out of this. -- RYAN'S "HOPE" IN GEORGIA
DEAR "HOPE": Try this. Don't answer his letters, and if he calls, tell him any further communication should be through your lawyer, because the romance is over, but the child support is just beginning.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Aunt Is Not Wild About This Harry's Lack of Social Skills
DEAR ABBY: How many days advance notice should you give a family member before advising him that you will be coming for a visit? My nephew, "Harry," called his brother, "Milton," at 6 p.m. on a Sunday to let him know he was planning to arrive at his home the following Tuesday afternoon for a visit. (Harry rarely talks with Milton, let alone visits him.) Harry was offended when Milton didn't seem thrilled with the idea. (Milton did not say no; he said "OK.") Milton is taking care of his wife who is recovering from surgery and may have been overwhelmed at the idea of guests.
Since the world revolves around Harry, I am sure he forgot to inquire into the state of his sister-in-law's health when he called. Now Harry is refusing to visit because of what he perceived as Milton's response.
I feel it is time for this old lady to say something to this self-centered little jerk. However, before I put in my 2 cents' worth, I need to know if 36 hours is an appropriate time frame. -- CLUELESS IN CURRY VILLAGE
DEAR CLUELESS: Harry needs to polish his social graces because he, not you, is clueless. It is never appropriate to "inform" anyone that you will be coming for a visit. The polite way to do it is to ask if a visit would be convenient, so if it is NOT convenient, the potential host has an "out."
DEAR ABBY: I experienced a random act of kindness and want to share it with you.
I was driving alone from Atlanta to a small town near Greensboro, N.C. It was raining hard, and my car hydroplaned and slid off the road.
A woman returning to work after lunch saw my car, stopped, and asked me if I was OK. I assured her that I was fine, but felt a little panicky about being so far from home. She calmed me down, helped me out of my car, and invited me to sit with her in her car until help arrived.
While the police wrote up the report and the tow truck hauled my car back onto the highway, this caring lady stood next to me in the rain, keeping me dry with her umbrella. After the police were finished, she insisted that I come to her office to catch my breath and compose myself.
She telephoned some friends who worked near my final destination (which was five miles from the scene of my accident) so that I would have somewhere to go if I ran into more trouble on the road.
Then she escorted me to a nearby car repair service where a friend of hers works, and asked him to fix the minor damage to my car. He did it immediately without charging a penny –- and I was on my way within a half-hour.
Abby, I want to express the depth of my gratitude to this woman -– her name is Suzanna –- for her help and concern, and to her friend, Andrew, for fixing my car. They reminded me that good Samaritans still exist in this world. I will forever be ... GRATEFUL IN GEORGIA
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