For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Hopes Daughter Won't Continue to Stand by Her Man
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Cindy," is 20. She's very attractive, with a great sense of humor. Because of those attributes alone, she could have any terrific young man she wants. However, Cindy has instead made up her mind to "wait for her man" -- who will be spending the next five years in federal prison for selling drugs. They became engaged just before he went in.
Cindy went into the Navy and graduated. She is being deployed to Iraq next month. Before she leaves, she will visit her fiance in prison.
I love my daughter, but this has come between us. Our relationship isn't the same as it used to be, and I am afraid that I have lost her. I have exhausted every means to stop Cindy from continuing this relationship. Have you any suggestions I might have overlooked? -- FIGHTING FOR MY DAUGHTER IN NEBRASKA
DEAR FIGHTING: Yes. Stop fighting. It will only drive your daughter further away. She is going into a war zone, and that kind of experience makes people grow up very quickly. When your daughter returns, she will not be the same little girl who went away -- and her priorities and judgments may be very different than they are now. My advice is, Don't blow your cool and say something now you'll regret later. Right now, your daughter needs all the support she can get.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ronald" for three years. He says he loves me. Ron is still married, but swears it's only so he can keep his wife on his health insurance as he'd promised her. However, they talk every day "as friends" and have a daughter and grandchildren in common.
Ron comes here (to another state) to visit me often, but I have never met his daughter or grandchildren, and he feels no urgency to introduce us. Ron has met my entire family.
I feel that he is leading two lives and is happy in both worlds. I, on the other hand, feel rejected and that he's ashamed of me and our relationship. I feel left out, on the outside looking in. Any suggestions? -- NEEDS VALIDATION IN OREGON
DEAR NEEDS: You have analyzed your situation very well. You ARE on the outside looking in. Whether or not your boyfriend and his wife still dwell under the same roof, they are legally married, and he is providing for her nicely. By staying married to his wife, he has assured that if anything happens to him she will be provided for. Since you have asked for a suggestion, I suggest you take your cues from what Ronald does rather than what he says, and find yourself a boyfriend who is eligible.
DEAR ABBY: I recently read an article about a medical center in Maine that has redesigned its standard hospital gowns to provide extra coverage for patients. (The standard gown, open at the back, violates some people's religious customs and everyone's modesty.)
I am disturbed that modest hospital gowns have not been considered a priority before now. A patient's dignity should be protected regardless of gender or religious beliefs. Your thoughts, please. -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OFFENDED: I don't see it in terms of religious beliefs or gender. Extra coverage should be available upon request to anyone who feels overexposed, because many people do. That should be reason enough.
DNA TEST WILL PROVE TRUTH OF WOMAN'S PATERNITY CLAIM
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice 95 percent of the time. However, I disagree with your comments to "Heartsick in N.Y.," the widow who said a young woman had shown up on her doorstep claiming to be her deceased husband's illegitimate daughter.
That young woman didn't ask to be born from an affair. Although I'm sure the widow is heartsick, there is no way to easily break that kind of news to anyone. It is a sad situation, but neither side is at fault. If "Heartsick" is unsure about paternity, a simple DNA test can be done to prove the truth. -- CHERYL IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR CHERYL: That's true. And that is why I advised "Heartsick" to contact her lawyer right away. However, my gut told me that something might be amiss. And here's why. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Heartsick's" letter had "con artist" written all over it. Please inform her that there are people who check the obituaries every day for the names of people who die. They get all the personal information and show up when the survivors are not thinking clearly.
Pictures can be doctored, and the information about the husband being in the sports field, I'm sure, was public knowledge. It's a simple matter, with today's technology, to scan pictures and digitally alter them, even to the point of merging them with other pictures.
If the husband was clever enough to have kept his affair and the child hidden for 20 years, and he wanted to help the girl with college tuition, don't you think he'd have devised a way to provide for her financial security? And if that girl was really his daughter, don't you think she'd have been more sensitive than to have approached his widow at a time like that? -- BEEN CONNED IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR CONNED: I agree with you. There are better ways to approach someone than to tell the person the last 20 years of her marriage was a lie. And one of them is through an intermediary. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My 37-year-old husband was killed by a drunk driver. His picture appeared in the newspaper. My husband was a very handsome man who had been successful in sales.
When I returned from his funeral, I found, mixed in with the condolence notes, a letter from a woman claiming that my husband was the father of her child. She said she was willing to leave town and not embarrass us, but needed money to do so. I did not contact a lawyer -- I called the police. They contacted the FBI and the woman was caught.
It was a scam that she had used successfully before. I recommend that "Heartsick" call the police, and certainly demand a DNA test, before giving the woman anything. -- SYMPATHETIC IN HAWAII
DEAR SYMPATHETIC: You're a quick thinker. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Heartsick" was right on the money. Here's how I handled the same situation after being contacted by an "adult daughter" asking me to "share something to help her remember her dad." I told her I'd be glad to. I photocopied the funeral bill and sent it to her immediately, with a request she pay her portion in cash.
I know it may sound crass, but I never heard from her again. -- NOBODY'S FOOL, BROOKSVILLE, FLA.
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Couple's Marriage Plans Hit Snag Over Issue of Discipline
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of four years, "Harold," and I are starting to discuss marriage and starting a family. I am hesitant because of one thing: We have very different views about disciplining children.
My parents never used violence as a form of punishment, and I don't want to use it to discipline my kids. I think that other methods of discipline work just as well, without destroying the bond between parent and child.
When Harold was young, his father would discipline the kids by hitting them with a belt. Harold sees nothing wrong with this, although the only argument seems to be, "I turned out OK."
This is only partially true. Both Harold and his brother have big anger management issues. I love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but this is a major issue for me.
Do you think this marriage would work, and are there any good compromises we could agree on? -- NON-VIOLENT IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR NON-VIOLENT: Your boyfriend may believe that he has turned out OK, but the fact that he has anger management problems proves that he didn't. Before any decisions about marriage are made, Harold should get professional help to get to the root of his problems, which are likely the result of his father's abuse.
You and Harold should enroll in classes on child development and parenting. Some hospitals, high schools and community colleges offer them. Unless the two of you can reach a firm agreement about this subject, you should NOT marry. The marriage would last only until he raised a hand or a belt to you or your little one -- and then it would be history, and rightly so. Children respond far better to praise than to punishment. The only thing that hitting a child proves is that violence is acceptable.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and a junior in high school. My best friend says there may be something wrong with me. When I was younger, I was a hard-core tomboy. I stayed that way until I got to be 13.
Finally, in my freshman year of high school, I began to wear makeup on occasion -- but to this day, I have never been interested in dating guys. I mean I like guys, but I don't care to DATE them. People look at me like I'm crazy when they hear me say that. Once a guy I know said he thought I was gay. I'm not. Now my friend is saying I might have a problem.
Abby, do I? Is it OK not to be drooling over guys right now? Should I date so people won't get the impression I'm gay? Please help. -- NOT INTERESTED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR NOT INTERESTED: No, and it is OK not to be obsessed with boys right now. Not everyone -- male or female -- matures at the same rate. I have received letters from readers telling me they didn't become seriously interested in a romantic relationship until they were 18 or 19, or even older. You may be a late bloomer.
People are "coming out" much earlier than they used to, and were you attracted to people of the same sex, you would probably know it. If you don't think you're gay, you probably aren't. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into dating until you are ready. To do otherwise would be doing yourself and the other person a disservice.
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