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Mother in Law's Design Ideas Don't Mesh With Couple's Style
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Diana," is a successful interior designer. Her son, "Brent," and I just moved into a new home, and she can't wait to visit. In the past, this has meant days of listening to Diana's endless suggestions about all of the "wonderful things we can do" with "our" new home. Brent is no help when it comes to shutting her off.
I'm anxious about Diana's visit because she ignores my hints that she keep her ideas to herself. Am I being mean-spirited? Her ideas are usually not in keeping with our style or budget.
How should we handle it when she offers a house-warming gift -- like lawn furniture -- and insists on "helping" us pick it out? Diana visits so often that we can't accept something and not use it.
Abby, this has gone on for 13 years. I love her in so many other ways, but this makes me feel like an ungrateful daughter-in-law. Please help. -- ANXIOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR ANXIOUS: Since Diana is an interior designer by profession, she could be verbalizing her ideas out of force of habit. Once the ideas start flowing, it can be hard to shut off the tap. Rather than becoming defensive when Diana starts offering suggestions, simply tell her that you will "keep them in mind" or "give them some thought." It's not insulting, nor does it commit you in any way.
If she offers a house-warming gift, remind her that her tastes and yours are not always in sync -- and let her know what YOU have in mind. After all, you will have to live with the results. As a professional, she can respect that -- and with her resources, she can show you things you might never have dreamed were available.
DEAR ABBY: Four months ago, my husband sent his 22-year-old daughter a check for a special occasion. She still hasn't cashed it. She insists if she cashes it, the money will be spent on groceries and rent instead of something special.
My mother always told me it was rude not to cash a check from someone immediately, because otherwise the sender had to deal with it every month when trying to balance his or her checkbook. My husband says I am picking on her. Am I old-fashioned? -- "WICKED" STEPMOM IN COLORADO
DEAR STEPMOM: Here in California, if a check isn't cashed within a certain time, it's considered invalid. However, since your husband has accused you of sniping at his daughter, and he doesn't seem to mind the inconvenience caused by his daughter's outstanding check, it's time to halt the helpful criticism and examine your motives.
DEAR ABBY: I recently introduced my 31-year-old son and his ladyfriend of three years as my son "Ian" and his friend "Lisa." Lisa took offense and said I should have introduced them as Ian and his GIRLFRIEND Lisa.
Since they are not married or engaged, was I correct in my introduction? -- IAN'S MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Technically, perhaps. However, since your son and Lisa have been an item for three years, it would have been more accurate to have introduced her as his girlfriend. It appears your offhand introduction struck a nerve, but it may be because she's sensitive about that subject.
Wife Plays Game of Tit for Tat and Winds Up Losing Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have seen letters in your column on signs of a cheating spouse. Allow me to offer a word of caution. The "guilty" husband or wife could very well be innocent.
A year and a half ago, I began working out at a nearby gym during my lunch hour. My wife, "Connie," and I were both overweight when I started my exercise program. I ended up losing 55 pounds.
During this time, Connie was still gaining. When she'd complain about her weight, I tried to be supportive and reassure her that she was still attractive to me, but said that I was worried about her health. Connie knew I had the same concerns about my own health, and that's why I was trying to get into shape. Once I started, I discovered I enjoyed my exercise routine, including the hour a day I had to myself. (I work a 40-hour week, and spend every other available moment with my wife and three young sons.)
After my weight came down, I needed new clothes and rewarded myself with a new wardrobe. Around the same time, I shaved off my beard and began sporting a new, shorter haircut that made me look years younger. I felt like a new man.
Connie became convinced I was having an affair and went out and had an affair of her own. Suddenly, my wife wanted to go "work out" or "go shopping" two or three evenings a week. I eagerly volunteered to watch our boys so Connie could enjoy the time to herself. Little did I know she was driving an hour out of state to have sex with a guy she met on the Internet. I was devastated when I found out. Connie told me she thought the reason I had been so accommodating was because I was cheating, so she was fighting fire with fire.
We are now in the process of divorce, and Connie is in therapy. The guy she was seeing is married with four children -- so now, two marriages are messed up. Please share my story with your readers, Abby. It CAN happen. -- LOST WEIGHT AND A WIFE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR LOST: How sad. As your experience proves, people who fight fire with fire usually wind up with ashes. Your wife's self-esteem was so low, she assumed you had found someone more attractive. How much sorrow could have been avoided had she discussed her fears with you.
DEAR ABBY: I am in the California National Guard. Last year I was activated and sent to Iraq. My wife has not written to me since last November. It takes me up to three weeks to get her on the phone because she wants to run around with her friends.
All I know is that I am married, and she's acting as if I don't count, only her friends do. How can I make her understand how much she is hurting me by ignoring me while I'm over here fighting? -- HEARTBROKEN SOLDIER IN IRAQ
DEAR HEARTBROKEN SOLDIER: If the woman you married is of normal intelligence, I'm sure she already knows it. It appears you have married someone who is either extremely immature or without priorities or conscience. Spouses promise to support each other in good times and in bad -- and as a military wife, her first objective should be to reassure her husband whose life is on the line every day he's away.
OperationDearAbby.net has now received more than 17 million messages of support for members of the military stationed worldwide. If you haven't already done so, please check it out. Although the one message you would most like to read isn't on it, I'm sure it will comfort you to know how many patriotic Americans have you in their hearts, and pray for your safe return.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT: "Never lose hope in your dreams. For without dreams, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." (Langston Hughes) -- Submitted by Arthur H. Prince, Memphis
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pin Number for Debit Card Is for Owner's Eyes Only
DEAR ABBY: I have a pet peeve I haven't seen addressed in your column before. I use my debit card often at the grocery store. Many times when I'm entering my PIN number into the machine, I realize the person in line behind me is hovering close enough to read it.
Is there any way I can politely ask someone to step back? Or better yet, will you please make people aware that they should give the person ahead of them some privacy? Last week, I asked a man who was looking over my shoulder to please move away. He didn't move, and acted like he didn't understand what I was asking. Please help. -- NERVOUS IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.
DEAR NERVOUS: In these days of identity theft, many people are nervous (and rightly so) about having their personal information stolen. Perhaps the individual hovering behind you did not understand English. However, had I been in your situation, I would have repeated my request in a louder tone. If he or she still didn't move, I would not have proceeded with my purchase until a security guard or the store manager had been summoned.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15 and go to a good school. I have a great relationship with my parents, but my sister is another story. She is 13, and sometimes she makes me so mad that I hit her or shove her against the wall. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself.
For example, today I couldn't find my key in my backpack. I remembered that my sister had it last. I told her to go and get the hidden key, but we fought about who should get it. She made me so mad I shoved her against the wall. Then I discovered that she'd had the key in her backpack all along, and I got really angry and scared her half to death.
She tattled and now I'm grounded. I know what I did was wrong, but how can I stop myself from hitting or shoving her in the heat of the moment? -- ABUSIVE SISTER
DEAR SISTER: One way to control an explosive temper is to walk away before you "blow." Take a 10- or 15-minute jog around the block until you get a grip. And while you're at it, meditate on the fact that your sister wasn't put on this Earth to get your goat. One day your parents will be gone and she may be the only family you have. Learn to forgive her for her imperfections because when it comes right down to it, none of us is perfect.
DEAR ABBY: I was the victim of a violent crime. The attacker was caught and sent to prison. I am returning to work after being absent since the attack, and I do not wish to discuss what happened with my co-workers.
What is a good response when I'm asked, "Were you raped?" Thanks for the help. -- SURVIVOR IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SURVIVOR: Say to the person, "If it were any of your business, you would already know the answer to that question." And then change the subject. There is no end to rude and nosy questions people will ask if you don't stop them in their tracks.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)