What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: A while back you listed clues to look for if you suspected your husband of being unfaithful. I'd like to add to that list: a bronzed body from a tanning salon.
My husband, "Jerry," and I are called the "ideal" couple. We're both physically active and in good condition. We've been married 46 years.
Jerry brings me coffee, fruit and the newspaper in bed every morning. He has also seduced, or tried to seduce, my sisters, some of my closest friends and business associates.
When I confront him, he tells me that I have a problem and that I need help -– not him! I am in therapy in order to decide what to do with the rest of my life.
Please print this list again for those who might have missed it. -– SUSPICIOUS NO MORE
DEAR SUSPICIOUS NO MORE: You are a strong lady. I'm sure you'll make the right decisions about your future. I'm also pleased you're getting professional support, because therapy can be helpful regardless of age.
And now, the list:
(1) A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming.
(2) Secretiveness.
(3) Unexplained absences.
(4) Unfamiliar charges on credit card or phone bills.
(5) Hang-ups on your home phone.
(6) More business trips than usual.
(7) Stops confiding in you or asking your advice.
(8) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you.
(9) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either knew about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
(10) Refuses to let you take him to the airport when he's leaving town.
(11) Carries condoms even though you are on the pill.
(12) Deletes incoming phone numbers from caller ID.
(13) Leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Speedstick.
(14) Becomes accusatory, asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.
(15) Raises hypothetical questions such as, "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?"
(16) Buys himself new underwear.
(17) Insists that the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.
(18) Stops wearing his wedding ring.
(19) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.
(20) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.
(21) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his neck or back.
(22) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.
(23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.
(24) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.
(25) Has a sudden preoccupation with his appearance.
(26) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.
(27) Works long hours on weekends, but is never at his desk to answer the phone. Then calls back later with a reason, such as, "I was working in the conference room where there is more space."
(28) Has lots of "emergency errands." Then comes home empty-handed, saying, "They didn't have what I needed."
(29) And the telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask the question in the first place. Listen to your gut!
Daughter Wants to Rearrange Parents' Plan for Her Future
DEAR ABBY: I am an attractive and intelligent woman from India. I have high moral standards. I live with my parents in America and have a good job. Last year some relatives told me that for the past two years my parents have secretly been planning my wedding to a man named "Rashid." I have never met Rashid because he lives in India, nor have my parents said one word to me about this marriage plan.
I have learned that Rashid is divorced with four small children. I have also learned that he thinks he's God's gift to women. He has a high school diploma and runs a small business that my family owns. He is a womanizer who lives with his "secretary," but tells everyone she is "only a friend." (She's expecting his twins.) He has told everyone at the business that he's going to America to marry the owner's daughter. His secretary has told everyone that I was "too old" for him, and that she's the one he really wants.
My parents are unaware of all these facts and think Rashid would be a good husband. I have no interest in planning a future with a man of loose morals. I want my parents to stop planning this marriage. I want to date other men, but my parents have discouraged me from doing so. What should I do? -- WANTING MY FREEDOM IN THE USA
DEAR WANTING MY FREEDOM: I don't know what is holding you back. You should be sharing these important facts with your parents instead of me. They may think Rashid is a prize, but he sounds more like a booby prize to me.
Four children from a previous marriage and two on the way are a lot to take on, let alone to swallow. Although there have been many successful arranged marriages, this one seems doomed from the outset.
If your parents still insist on this marriage, you may have to emancipate yourself from them.
DEAR ABBY: I am so sad. I am only 13 and thinking about killing myself. People have told me that it's just my hormones and that is why I'm so moody all the time.
Both my parents suffer from depression. They say it is hereditary. So, Abby, do you think it is my hormones or depression? Please answer as soon as possible. -- CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: Many teenagers have mood swings. But with a family history like yours, they shouldn't be ignored or minimized. The person who should answer your question is your family physician. It is true that depression can run in families, and if your depression has lasted more than two weeks, you should get a medical evaluation. Please don't wait to ask your parents to schedule one.
DEAR ABBY: Are you aware of any organizations, projects, etc. that could make use of men's neckties that were made between 1946 and 2001? I've saved more than 50 of my late husband's ties and can't bring myself to throw them away. -- CAN'T THROW AWAY TIES
DEAR CAN'T: Why should you divest yourself of this treasure trove? How about mounting them in a decorative collage or two? If that doesn't appeal to you, consider using them to create a one-of-a-kind quilt. I'm sure the fabrics are not only gorgeous but collector's items as well. Readers, any more ideas?
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Money Should Be No Object for College Bound Students
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to a letter you printed from a high school junior struggling with her mother over exploring colleges. She wanted to apply to many different schools, but due to financial constraints, her mother insisted she limit herself to state-funded schools.
If that girl has the grades, she has many options open to her. Sometimes Ivy League schools give scholarships and grants that can match or better anything offered by a state school. She should also be aware that she can take out student loans that she can repay in installments after she graduates. -- PROUD PARENT OF A SCHOLARSHIP STUDENT
DEAR PROUD: Bless you for wanting to help. I'm often touched by the number of people who read something in my column and reach out. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mom with an income under $40,000. My twin daughters and son were all college-bound at the same time. Their school advisers told us to apply to prestigious private schools because they give the most financial aid to students. All three of my children did, and they all received their best offers from Ivy League and religious colleges.
Please tell her to go for it! -- CHRIS IN YAKIMA, WASH.
DEAR CHRIS: You have already done that. I hope your letter will inspire mother and daughter and other college-bound students trying to reach for the stars. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a private college counselor for 25 years, I always tell students that application season is one of discovery –- a time to decide what you want to get out of a college education, where you will best fit, and where you might qualify for merit scholarships.
First, apply and get accepted to the colleges of your choice. The time spent filling out applications is worth it. Students who can't afford the filing fee can request a waiver.
The girl whose letter appeared in your column can get an excellent college education if she takes the time to apply. I wish her the best of luck. -- RONNIE IN HOLMDEL, N.J.
DEAR RONNIE: So do I!
DEAR ABBY: I grew up with no father. Mom was a food server with three kids to support. Even so, I was in the top 10 percent of my class. I had dreams. I wanted to attend college and escape a life of poverty.
Against all advice, I applied to five different colleges. I received full scholarships from two Ivy League schools. Room, board and tuition were covered. In four years, I was an Ivy League graduate.
I recommend the college issue of U.S. News & World Report. It not only ranks schools but also lists those that are most generous to the deserving.
The only way to ensure you won't succeed is not even to try. -- EDUCATED IN ATLANTA
DEAR EDUCATED: Your last sentence says it all. Other good places to research scholarships include: � HYPERLINK "http://www.fastweb.com" ��www.fastweb.com�, � HYPERLINK "http://www.finaid.org" ��www.finaid.org�, www.collegenet.com and www.fastaid.com.
I am also told that a booklet published by the American Legion, "Need a Lift?" is another terrific resource. It contains 162 pages listing scholarships, loans, grants and financial aid. (It can be purchased for $3.95 and ordered by calling toll-free: (888) 453-4466.)
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)