Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WORKERS WHO MAKE HOLIDAYS HAPPY DESERVE OUR THANKS
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to thank all those generous people who work nights, weekends and holidays.
Without the help of the auto club operator who answered my call one Christmas morning (and the mechanic who showed up), I would have missed the joy of seeing my grandchild opening gifts.
We no longer argue about what everyone wants for Christmas breakfast because of the servers, chefs and busboys who give me the best present of all -– more relaxed time with my family because everyone can eat what they want.
And let's not forget the emergency medical workers who are always there for childhood emergencies, all too often in the middle of the night or on holidays. Thanks, too, to the pharmacists who fill prescriptions when the establishments around them are closed.
I am grateful to everyone who gives up precious time with their own families and friends in order to make life easier for the rest of us.
Abby, thanks for printing this. I want all these generous people to know how appreciated they are, especially at holiday time. Bless you one and all. -- GRATEFUL
DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for an uplifting letter. Counting our blessings is a wonderful way to start a new year, and you have mentioned only a few of our unsung heroes. Add to that our police, our firefighters, our brave young men and women in the military, and caregivers everywhere. They, too, are unsung heroes.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Phil," and I lost a child two years ago on Christmas Eve. Before that Phil was always affectionate. Now he hardly shows his emotions at all, and doesn't tell me he loves me as often as he used to.
I love my husband with all my heart and want things the way they used to be. I think he is still hurting, but he refuses to get help.
What should I do? Please help me. -- LOVING HIM IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOVING: It's clear that your husband is still grieving and has not been able to move on as quickly as you have. Since he refuses to go to grief counseling, go without him.
It may help you to understand that grief is an individual process, and perhaps it will better enable you to help him through it.
Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.
DEAR ABBY: I really need some help. When I was 15, my half-brother raped me. I am now almost 40. I want nothing to do with him, and I don't want him around my kids.
Abby, my half-brother keeps trying to call me. How can I make him leave me alone without anyone knowing what happened? – EMBARRASSED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Please stop protecting him with your silence. Contact a rape crisis hotline. It is long overdue and you can still benefit from post-traumatic stress counseling. You have no reason to be embarrassed or to keep this a secret. A rape victim is never at fault.
You can also install caller ID on your telephone and block his calls to stop the harassment. If that fails, talk to your lawyer about a restraining order.
GIRL WONDERS IF BOYFRIEND'S SHAKING COULD LEAD TO ABUSE
DEAR ABBY: I am 15. I have been in a relationship with "Adam" for four years, but things just don't seem the same. I met him when I was 11 and we have been together ever since. I waited until my 14th birthday to give him my virginity and we were in love way before that. He is the only guy I have ever loved.
It seems like we fight all the time. He has never hit me or anything, but he has shaken me, and I'm wondering if he would ever hit me in the future. Do you think we should stay together? I want to, but at the same time I don't.
I never thought I'd say that, but I'm sure it means something. What should I do? -- TENNESSEE TEEN
DEAR TEEN: Let me explain something to you. Abusive behavior does not spring from the egg, fully formed like a chicken. It starts out small and grows like a vine until it weighs down and smothers the victim. I'll bet Adam didn't start out by shaking you. It probably started with nasty comments, then yelling -- and now this. Will it continue to escalate? Very likely, unless Adam learns that it is unacceptable behavior and is willing to find acceptable ways of displaying his anger.
The preteen and teen years are supposed to be a time of growth and learning, both intellectually and socially. You have limited yourself to one person for too long, and on some level, I think you already know that. Tell Adam you no longer want an exclusive relationship, that you intend to concentrate on your studies and see other people. Then do it. If he doesn't like it, get your parents involved. I'm sure they will set him straight in a hurry.
DEAR ABBY: I am a college student in a small town. Eight months ago, I met a wonderful young man, and we were planning to be married until I told him about my past.
My stepfather molested me. It was long ago, and I have since forgiven him and my mother. (Mother is still married to him.)
My boyfriend, however, cannot forgive them. He tried to convince my mother to leave my stepfather. She refused, and now my boyfriend and my mother no longer speak.
He says things will never work out because of this rift he has with my family. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work, but he says he can't be around my family, and it isn't fair to ask me to give them up.
Was I wrong to expect him to support my decision to forgive them? -- DESPERATE IN TEXAS
DEAR DESPERATE: Your boyfriend's inability to forgive your mother is rooted in his caring for you. When you marry someone, in a sense you also marry that person's family. You family is so dysfunctional that it may have scared this young man off. His fears might be allayed if you're willing to cut your ties to your mother, but it's no guarantee.
That your mother stayed married to the abuser who molested you speaks volumes. That you opted to "forgive" them both was a personal choice you made -- but that doesn't change the fact that your mother's husband is a child molester. What makes you think he wouldn't be a danger to your children in the future? Think about it.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Husband's Abusive Taunts Wear on Wife's Self Esteem
DEAR ABBY: I married "Jerry" five years ago. I am 37 and he's 26. From the beginning, Jerry has said hurtful things from time to time, like, "Our marriage is over," "I want a divorce," etc. He also refuses to do household repairs. (He moved into my house.)
When Jerry doesn't get his way, he accuses me of being selfish. He wants us to buy a new house. Abby, I am terrified of going further into debt with him. We've been to marriage counseling. We were told the worst thing we could do is to buy another house together. We would only move our problems to a new location.
Yesterday was the last straw. He said, "You may look young, but you're old. No one is ever going to want you for anything except what they can get out of you!"
I have not confided this to a single soul. I'm too ashamed that the man I married could think something so cruel -- let alone say it.
Jerry always apologizes, but I can't seem to get past this. When I think about what he said, I start to cry. (He can't understand why I'm not able to "get over it" and jump into bed.)
Abby, I look a decade younger than my actual age. May I add, Jerry is no Mr. Universe, although he seems to think he is. What do you think of this situation, and most of all -- me? -- CRUSHED IN THE ROCKIES
DEAR CRUSHED: You are married to a verbal abuser. He uses insults and deprecation the way other abusers use their fists. If you continue to accept this treatment, your self-esteem will eventually dwindle to zero -- which is his goal.
You've tried counseling. It hasn't worked. Now it's time to ask yourself, "Are you better off with him or without him?" The answer is obvious to me.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have worked long and hard on our yard to make it a beautiful, peaceful retreat. Last year, we had it landscaped and added a lovely pond with koi fish and a small waterfall. We both work and time is limited, so we enjoy it mostly in the mornings with our coffee.
The problem is since we added the pond, our yard has become a "public park"! Almost every day we go outside and find people in our yard -- even strangers -- asking questions about the cost of the renovation.
We finally put up a fence, but folks have climbed it to look at the waterfall they could hear from the front walk. How can we stop this? I want to put up a sign that says, "If you weren't invited, you're not welcome."
The clincher came yesterday, when I went out early with my coffee to find a neighbor occupying my lawn chair with HER coffee! She said she was glad we had put in the pond because she had always wanted one -- and now she can come and meditate at ours. -- HAD ENOUGH IN SOUTH FLORIDA
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: It's time to speak clearly. If you're feeling generous, designate one day a month for your nervy neighbor to meditate beside your pond (before you PRE-meditate murdering her), and tell her that the rest of the time you and your husband need your privacy.
If you're not feeling generous, post the sign. There may be repercussions, but the option of having visitors should be yours.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)