For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DAD'S ALZHEIMER DIAGNOSIS IS MET BY ANGRY SIBLINGS' DENIAL
DEAR ABBY: For years now, my dad's health has slowly deteriorated. He has good days when he kind of knows what's going on, and bad days when his whole world is off balance. Recently he suffered some mini-strokes, and last September the doctor diagnosed him with Alzheimer's.
I was there when Dad was diagnosed. You could see the look of relief on his face to finally have a name for what was going on inside him. He told the doctor, "Well, at least now I know I'm not going crazy" because it was a medical condition he could comprehend.
The problem is his siblings. They get angry at Mom when she tells the doctor how Dad is at home and accuse her of exaggerating. They get upset with us for not letting Dad drive, even though he doesn't see well and has been known to get lost. They have even gone behind our backs and told Dad he does not have Alzheimer's, which only compounds the problem.
Some of Dad's siblings see him only once a week at church. They all insist he is "fine" and blame Mom for his lack of "spirit." One aunt, in particular, is cold and nasty toward Mom.
Poor Mom has a hard enough time being caregiver to a man who doesn't always recognize us and can't remember names. There are times when Dad runs to the neighbors saying, "People are in the house trying to steal things."
Mom, who has always been a strong woman, cries almost daily. She does not deserve nor need the aggravation that Dad's siblings are causing. She loves Dad and wants, as we do, only the best for him.
How can I handle this? Mom wanted to include Dad's family in what is going on with him, but all it's done is bring heartache and sadness. -- THEY'RE NOT HELPING
DEAR THEY'RE NOT HELPING: You and your mother have my deepest sympathy. Your father's siblings are in deep denial -- which is probably why they can't bring themselves to admit what is really happening. Their anger at your mother is part of their denial. They would rather believe that she is exaggerating than come to grips with the truth.
What your mother needs now is emotional support. I recommend that she contact the Alzheimer's Association ((800) 272-3900) for the location of the nearest support group. No caregiver should have to go through this experience alone -- and with their help, she won't.
P.S. Your father should not be out of the house unescorted, and he certainly does not belong behind the wheel of a car.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "SHOULD I JOIN FRIEND'S UNIQUE VENTURE?": There's an old saying, "Never test the depth of the water with both feet." Consider the risks carefully, consult a lawyer before agreeing, and get everything in writing.
Target of Classmates' Teasing Needs Someone on Her Side
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in the fourth grade, and there are some mean people in my class. They're always making fun of this girl from China.
When I see them teasing her, I want to be nice to her -- but I'm afraid if I am nice to her, they will make fun of me.
I am one of the cool kids. Abby, please tell me if I should be her friend. -- TRYING TO BE NICE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TRYING: You are an intelligent, compassionate girl. The time to be a friend is when somebody needs one, and your classmate certainly needs one now. One effective way to defuse this kind of harassment is to speak up and say that YOU don't think what the bully is saying is funny.
Another way is to tell your parents, your teacher and the principal what is happening. That girl is being harassed because of her race -- and it is against the law for it to be ignored. So don't wait. Speak up now. I commend you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old divorced mother of two boys, ages 12 and 14. My boyfriend, "Nat," is divorced and has no children. We've been dating for three years. He is my best friend, and we get along great.
I am very much in love with Nat, but he says he will never marry again. I try dating other men, but they don't measure up to Nat. It seems Nat could get along fine without me in his life. I don't feel the same. Tell me, Abby, what's his problem? -- WAITING IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR WAITING: Nat doesn't have a problem. You do. You have fallen in love with a man who has made it clear that he is unwilling to make a commitment to you and the boys. I give him credit for being honest with you.
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker's 20-year-old son recently committed suicide. His mother was a single parent and the young man had long-standing emotional problems.
We are a department of about 20, and all her co-workers felt heartsick for her. All of us contributed toward the funeral spray.
When the funeral arrangements were finalized, the information was e-mailed to only about half of us. The rest -- including me -- were not invited. On the day of the funeral, the "invitees" came to work dressed in dark suits. It was very awkward.
While it is true that a grieving mother is justified in doing whatever makes her comfortable, I feel my feelings were not considered at all. I am deeply hurt that my gesture of sympathy was unappreciated. -- SLIGHTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SLIGHTED: Get over it. Your co-worker lost her child. You seem to feel that because you weren't invited to the funeral you somehow lost face. A funeral is not a party. It's also not a social gathering. Your grieving co-worker wanted those people to whom she felt closest around her when she buried her son. She does not deserve to be criticized for it.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "FEELING REVENGEFUL IN CLEVELAND": In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
NAME-CALLING CHASES BOY OUT OF SCHOOL AND INTO HOME
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "George." He is a good person, smart and fun to be with. He hasn't matured as fast as other boys and his voice is soft and high-pitched. People call him gay, and it hurts him terribly.
He recently dropped out of school and is now being home-schooled. When he told me why, it shocked me.
Won't you explain to your readers not to judge people until you have walked a mile in their shoes? Get to know them. I am the only person who stands up for George, and I always will. Please tell people it is not OK to ridicule others.
It hurts me to hear him say his life is ruined. He says he will get a new wardrobe and change everything. But he shouldn't have to change. He has a right to be himself. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN BILLINGS, MONT.
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: I don't have to tell people that it's not OK to ridicule others. You have done a good job of that in your letter. But I'll tell you a secret. People who make derogatory comments about the sexuality of others often have doubts about their own.
P.S. I'm sorry that George's parents didn't talk over their son's predicament with their lawyer and the school principal. If they had, I'll bet George would still be your classmate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old married woman. One night I walked into our bedroom and caught my husband looking at something. When he saw me, he stuck it between the pages of a magazine and began shuffling business papers. The next morning when he went to work, I opened the magazine and found a snapshot of a naked woman.
A few nights later he said he was going to hang out with some friends, so I decided to take myself out to dinner. When I walked into the restaurant, I saw my husband having dinner with the woman in the photo.
He didn't see me, so I left quickly. I didn't mention having seen him. Now I have noticed that he no longer really talks or listens to me, and he's making lame excuses to go out more often.
I want to save our marriage. But how? -- UPSET IN LONGMEADOW, MASS.
DEAR UPSET: You will not save your marriage by remaining silent. Confront your husband with the fact that you found the photo and have seen him with the woman. Tell him that you love him but you feel betrayed and hurt, and offer him the option of marriage counseling. Marriages can survive this trauma, but only if both parties are willing to work at rebuilding the trust that has been broken.
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago my boyfriend, "Jeremy," proposed, and I am overjoyed. My problem is I hate the engagement ring he chose. I also hate the matching wedding band. I'm afraid if I mention trading them for something that I like, he'll be hurt.
Should I keep my mouth shut and live with the rings? Or should I speak up and risk hurting Jeremy? -- LOOKING FOR THE RING OF TRUTH
DEAR LOOKING: Speak up now because if you wait, it will probably slip out later at an inopportune time.
The lesson here is that the bride-to-be should be part of the selection process. It's not a difficult thing to arrange. All it takes is for the man to ask the salesperson to show his fiancee a selection of rings –- or stones –- that's within his price range. It's done all the time.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)