CONFIDENTIAL TO "FEELING REVENGEFUL IN CLEVELAND": In the words of Martin Luther King Jr., whose birthday we remember today: "To retaliate in kind would do nothing but intensify the existence of hate in the universe. Along the way of life, someone must have sense enough, and morality enough, to cut off the chain of hate."
Target of Classmates' Teasing Needs Someone on Her Side
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in the fourth grade, and there are some mean people in my class. They're always making fun of this girl from China.
When I see them teasing her, I want to be nice to her -- but I'm afraid if I am nice to her, they will make fun of me.
I am one of the cool kids. Abby, please tell me if I should be her friend. -- TRYING TO BE NICE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TRYING: You are an intelligent, compassionate girl. The time to be a friend is when somebody needs one, and your classmate certainly needs one now. One effective way to defuse this kind of harassment is to speak up and say that YOU don't think what the bully is saying is funny.
Another way is to tell your parents, your teacher and the principal what is happening. That girl is being harassed because of her race -- and it is against the law for it to be ignored. So don't wait. Speak up now. I commend you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old divorced mother of two boys, ages 12 and 14. My boyfriend, "Nat," is divorced and has no children. We've been dating for three years. He is my best friend, and we get along great.
I am very much in love with Nat, but he says he will never marry again. I try dating other men, but they don't measure up to Nat. It seems Nat could get along fine without me in his life. I don't feel the same. Tell me, Abby, what's his problem? -- WAITING IN THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR WAITING: Nat doesn't have a problem. You do. You have fallen in love with a man who has made it clear that he is unwilling to make a commitment to you and the boys. I give him credit for being honest with you.
DEAR ABBY: My co-worker's 20-year-old son recently committed suicide. His mother was a single parent and the young man had long-standing emotional problems.
We are a department of about 20, and all her co-workers felt heartsick for her. All of us contributed toward the funeral spray.
When the funeral arrangements were finalized, the information was e-mailed to only about half of us. The rest -- including me -- were not invited. On the day of the funeral, the "invitees" came to work dressed in dark suits. It was very awkward.
While it is true that a grieving mother is justified in doing whatever makes her comfortable, I feel my feelings were not considered at all. I am deeply hurt that my gesture of sympathy was unappreciated. -- SLIGHTED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SLIGHTED: Get over it. Your co-worker lost her child. You seem to feel that because you weren't invited to the funeral you somehow lost face. A funeral is not a party. It's also not a social gathering. Your grieving co-worker wanted those people to whom she felt closest around her when she buried her son. She does not deserve to be criticized for it.
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NAME-CALLING CHASES BOY OUT OF SCHOOL AND INTO HOME
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "George." He is a good person, smart and fun to be with. He hasn't matured as fast as other boys and his voice is soft and high-pitched. People call him gay, and it hurts him terribly.
He recently dropped out of school and is now being home-schooled. When he told me why, it shocked me.
Won't you explain to your readers not to judge people until you have walked a mile in their shoes? Get to know them. I am the only person who stands up for George, and I always will. Please tell people it is not OK to ridicule others.
It hurts me to hear him say his life is ruined. He says he will get a new wardrobe and change everything. But he shouldn't have to change. He has a right to be himself. -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN BILLINGS, MONT.
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: I don't have to tell people that it's not OK to ridicule others. You have done a good job of that in your letter. But I'll tell you a secret. People who make derogatory comments about the sexuality of others often have doubts about their own.
P.S. I'm sorry that George's parents didn't talk over their son's predicament with their lawyer and the school principal. If they had, I'll bet George would still be your classmate.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 37-year-old married woman. One night I walked into our bedroom and caught my husband looking at something. When he saw me, he stuck it between the pages of a magazine and began shuffling business papers. The next morning when he went to work, I opened the magazine and found a snapshot of a naked woman.
A few nights later he said he was going to hang out with some friends, so I decided to take myself out to dinner. When I walked into the restaurant, I saw my husband having dinner with the woman in the photo.
He didn't see me, so I left quickly. I didn't mention having seen him. Now I have noticed that he no longer really talks or listens to me, and he's making lame excuses to go out more often.
I want to save our marriage. But how? -- UPSET IN LONGMEADOW, MASS.
DEAR UPSET: You will not save your marriage by remaining silent. Confront your husband with the fact that you found the photo and have seen him with the woman. Tell him that you love him but you feel betrayed and hurt, and offer him the option of marriage counseling. Marriages can survive this trauma, but only if both parties are willing to work at rebuilding the trust that has been broken.
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago my boyfriend, "Jeremy," proposed, and I am overjoyed. My problem is I hate the engagement ring he chose. I also hate the matching wedding band. I'm afraid if I mention trading them for something that I like, he'll be hurt.
Should I keep my mouth shut and live with the rings? Or should I speak up and risk hurting Jeremy? -- LOOKING FOR THE RING OF TRUTH
DEAR LOOKING: Speak up now because if you wait, it will probably slip out later at an inopportune time.
The lesson here is that the bride-to-be should be part of the selection process. It's not a difficult thing to arrange. All it takes is for the man to ask the salesperson to show his fiancee a selection of rings –- or stones –- that's within his price range. It's done all the time.
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Worried Daughter Wonders How to Help Delusional Mom
DEAR ABBY: My mother was fired from her job 11 months ago and has not yet found work. She drew unemployment, but that has run out. However, her real problem is, she thinks the devil is living in her home and raping her every night.
She also thinks this man at work she had a crush on, and who kept rejecting her, is living in her house.
She often talks about killing herself. My aunts say she is fine, but she is NOT fine. She refuses to get professional help. How can I help her? -- WORRIED DAUGHTER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WORRIED DAUGHTER: Unless your mother actually does something to prove she is a danger to herself or to others, there is little you can do except watch her closely. Her doctor should be notified about her delusions and her threats, but no one can force her into treatment unless she acts out.
You might also try talking to her spiritual adviser about her problem, and see if some sort of intervention can be done. But I really think her problem is psychological.
DEAR ABBY: I am dating a widower, "Charles," whom I really like except that he doesn't shut up about his "perfect" and "saintly" late, great wife. It grates on my nerves. I mean, what am I -- chopped liver?!
I tried matching him story-for-story about my late husband so he'd get the hint. It only made him rave about her more.
My widowed friends say they've encountered the same problem. If these guys think their wives were the best there is, why do they bother dating?
Charles tells me other women he's dated bore him. I can't believe it's not the other way around. Maybe he has to keep dating to find a new audience.
I don't understand why Charles keeps one foot in the grave with his wife while he's still alive. Is he depressed? Or just dumb? -- BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND
DEAR BOTH FEET: Perhaps he talks about his late wife because they shared so many years and events together that his major memories are bound up with her.
Instead of being resentful, speak up! Tell him it's time to stop dwelling on the past and to focus on the present. Work on creating new, happy memories with him. Take pictures, take trips, host a party together. Get a theater subscription, tickets to sporting events, etc., so his memory bank will spill over with recent happy memories with you. I can't think of a better investment.
DEAR ABBY: I tend to get upset easily and yell at my 7-year-old son when I'm stressed. I don't get physical, but I do get emotional. Sometimes I feel I am going to explode with all kinds of crazy feelings racing through my mind, body and soul. Do you have any suggestions for me? -- OVERSTRESSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR OVERSTRESSED: It's important that you get to the root of what's really bothering you -- and that may require professional help. Talk to your doctor about things you can do to reduce the stress in your life.
Also, make sure you're getting enough sleep. And consider this: Many people who suffer from emotional overload cope with it by getting at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise a day. Give it a try. If that doesn't help, re-read paragraph one.
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