To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Diabetics Claim Blood Sugar Levels Do Affect Personality
DEAR ABBY: I was in shock when I read the letter from Dr. Barrett, the president-elect of the American Diabetes Association. He was commenting on the letter from "Wants a Life in Virginia," who said her husband's diabetes has led to irrational, irresponsible and even violent behavior. Writing to "set the record straight," Dr. Barrett denied that diabetes could be the cause. In no way was the record set straight by his letter.
The American Diabetes Association notes irritability and anxiousness in its list of symptoms, but doctors, nurses and those who work in nursing facilities can tell you of combative behavior for no reason and resisting treatment. To deny this truth is a disservice to those who need immediate attention.
Dr. Barrett made it harder for us all who deal with this disease and its challenges -- and there are many. -- BARBARA L. GIFFEN, VERMONT CHAPTER SUGARBUGS
DEAR BARBARA: I have a stack of testimonials 2 inches thick from people like yourself, also "in the trenches," vouching that blood sugar levels can and do affect a person's personality. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my blood sugar gets very high (350-plus) I become verbally abusive and develop a hair-trigger temper. As soon as the insulin kicks in, I return to my normal self. Many of my friends who are also diabetic tell me they react the same way. You and the good doctor should refrain from blanket statements. -- W.H.S., DANA, N.C.
DEAR W.: I agree. I have also been told that when a person's blood sugar gets LOW, he or she can become short-tempered. That is one reason why being a food server sometimes requires the skills of a diplomat. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have been an insulin-dependent diabetic for 34 years. To speak to Dr. Barrett's apparent agenda, no, I have never been in a brawl, never "gone nuts" in public. But my wife can tell a few stories. The spouses, partners and relatives of diabetics are unsung heroes. I have awakened her in the night having seizures. I have come to my senses after consuming sufficient sugar to find my wife weeping and refusing to tell me what I said, so I know it wasn't gibberish I was ranting, but something that could easily be characterized (to quote Dr. Barrett) as "irresponsible, irrational, and even violent behavior." It may not be my fault, but it remains my responsibility.
The agenda of the ADA, and most knowledgeable health-care professionals, is to emphasize to diabetics that they can be healthy, productive and happy (all true). What they no longer add to that list is "live a normal life." In an effort to overcome fears and misconceptions by the general public, the possibility of any other situation is downplayed to the rest of the world.
I hope you will acknowledge that regardless of the great challenges faced by diabetics, those who love them are also confronted by trials. -- ROBERT V., SYRACUSE, N.Y.,
DEAR ROBERT: Thank you very much for your honest letter. I contacted the American Diabetes Association after I received the avalanche of mail from readers who disagreed with Dr. Barrett. He still maintains that "based on the facts presented in the original letter, he would again state that diabetes is not an explanation for her husband's behavior."
WOMAN'S DREAM WEDDING DOES NOT INCLUDE FIANCE'S FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Karl" for nearly two years. We are discussing marriage. The problem is, I can't stand his family. They are rude, unkempt, lazy and opinionated. Karl's family blames me for helping him to overcome his poor social skills and unhealthy lifestyle. Karl has lost a lot of weight since we started dating. He now wears clean clothes and has had his teeth fixed.
I have always wanted a lavish outdoor wedding and reception, but I don't want to invite Karl's family. I am afraid they will ruin it. I think it might be better to have a small civil ceremony. Karl disagrees, and it's causing a rift in our relationship. Please help. -- BEWILDERED IN OHIO
DEAR BEWILDERED: Before your wedding plans go further, you and Karl have some important issues to iron out. For better or worse, those rude, unkempt, lazy, opinionated people are his family. Do you expect him to divorce them in order to marry you? If the answer is yes, tell him now. If the answer no, accept that Karl comes with some heavy baggage that will be difficult to handle, unless a way is found for you to accept his family the way they are. Remember, too, that his parents will be YOUR children's grandparents. So look again before you leap.
DEAR ABBY: I am gay and have been dating "Warren" for more than four years. He's wonderful. The problem is, some members of his family strongly oppose his homosexuality and are rude when we visit his parents.
Because of their overt hostility, I no longer wish to attend these family functions. However, I want Warren to continue to go to the gatherings -- without me. Warren disagrees. He says I should continue to go with him, because the more his family sees us together, the more understanding they'll become.
Do you agree? Should I go to Warren's family gatherings, even though it's clear that I am not welcome? -- HELPLESS IN HARTFORD, CONN.
DEAR HELPLESS: Since this treatment has continued for more than four years, it's obvious Warren's family is not receptive to the two of you as a couple. Warren might try speaking to his parents about this problem, if he hasn't already. But if that doesn't change the atmosphere, I see no reason for either of you to subject yourselves to more rudeness or hostility.
DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. My neighbor, "Matt," lost his second wife three years ago. We are both in our 60s and have been friendly for two years.
Matt seems convinced that every woman who is nice to him has marriage on her mind. I don't want to remarry -- and he knows it -- but it doesn't seem to matter. He has been in my home numerous times, but nothing comes of it. He seems shy, and I know he is lonely, but he doesn't seem interested in an intimate relationship.
Matt is a wonderful man. I know he and I could be closer if he would just open up a little. People need people, Abby. What do you suggest? -- PEOPLE PERSON IN PEORIA
DEAR PEOPLE PERSON: That you ease up and accept your neighbor for the person he is. Matt may not want an intimate relationship -- or he may be unable to have one.
It's also possible he doesn't want to be hurt again. His reasons are his own, and if you pressure him, you may cause the end of a very nice friendship.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Emotionally Abusive Mom Is Being Willful to the End
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. He's had limited contact with her for the past seven years. A few months ago, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than a year to live. Jack has tried to let go of his past anger in order to emotionally support her and spend quality time with her during her final months. He has paid some of her doctor's bills and made sure her cupboards are stocked with nutritious food.
Last week, she announced that she is marrying her boyfriend. She plans to leave him the family heirlooms and a large inheritance from her mother that was meant to be shared by my husband, his siblings and the grandchildren.
Jack doesn't want to attend his mother's wedding, but he feels guilty not going. What do you think? -- SHOCKED IN SYRACUSE
DEAR SHOCKED: Your husband's mother is consistent. She's remained emotionally abusive to the end. In her warped mind, this is the next best thing to "taking it with her."
Your husband and his siblings would benefit from family counseling. They did not get the mother they deserve and should not feel guilty limiting their -- albeit brief -- future interaction with her.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," and I were married in Las Vegas. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had planned on a small, quiet wedding with only his brother and sister-in-law as witnesses.
Without consulting Bob or me, his sister-in-law "surprised" us by upgrading our hotel room to a suite that adjoined theirs. In addition, she invited several surprise guests -- one of whom was "Anna," my husband's former high school sweetheart. (She had been a foreign exchange student from Germany and happened to be visiting the U.S. at the time.)
Anna has been married for many years and has two grown sons. I had always known that Bob's family was fond of her and had remained in touch over the years. They even visited Anna and her family in Europe twice.
I did my best not to overreact, but Anna's surprise appearance completely ruined my wedding -- not to mention the honeymoon. (My husband and I hardly had a minute to ourselves.)
We have now been married three years. Bob adopted my little boy and is a wonderful husband and father. I feel truly blessed to have such a happy home.
The problem? Anna is once again planning a trip to the U.S. to see Bob and the family. I see red every time I hear them singing her praises. (Not since Mother Teresa has there been such a saint!) I am filled with anger and dread over her impending visit and cannot imagine how I'll get through it. Bob knows how I feel. He says he loves me and there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Am I being unreasonable -- or is this an unreasonable situation? -- HAPPY/UNHAPPY WIFE IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR HAPPY/UNHAPPY: I wouldn't call you unreasonable. Unrealistic is more like it. There is an old saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Anna is an old family friend from the past. Her romance with your husband is long over -- and there is our whole country and the Atlantic Ocean between them. Please don't put yourself in the middle. Give her a hearty welcome. She won't be here long -- and you might even grow to like her.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)