To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Emotionally Abusive Mom Is Being Willful to the End
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," grew up with an emotionally abusive mother. He's had limited contact with her for the past seven years. A few months ago, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given less than a year to live. Jack has tried to let go of his past anger in order to emotionally support her and spend quality time with her during her final months. He has paid some of her doctor's bills and made sure her cupboards are stocked with nutritious food.
Last week, she announced that she is marrying her boyfriend. She plans to leave him the family heirlooms and a large inheritance from her mother that was meant to be shared by my husband, his siblings and the grandchildren.
Jack doesn't want to attend his mother's wedding, but he feels guilty not going. What do you think? -- SHOCKED IN SYRACUSE
DEAR SHOCKED: Your husband's mother is consistent. She's remained emotionally abusive to the end. In her warped mind, this is the next best thing to "taking it with her."
Your husband and his siblings would benefit from family counseling. They did not get the mother they deserve and should not feel guilty limiting their -- albeit brief -- future interaction with her.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," and I were married in Las Vegas. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had planned on a small, quiet wedding with only his brother and sister-in-law as witnesses.
Without consulting Bob or me, his sister-in-law "surprised" us by upgrading our hotel room to a suite that adjoined theirs. In addition, she invited several surprise guests -- one of whom was "Anna," my husband's former high school sweetheart. (She had been a foreign exchange student from Germany and happened to be visiting the U.S. at the time.)
Anna has been married for many years and has two grown sons. I had always known that Bob's family was fond of her and had remained in touch over the years. They even visited Anna and her family in Europe twice.
I did my best not to overreact, but Anna's surprise appearance completely ruined my wedding -- not to mention the honeymoon. (My husband and I hardly had a minute to ourselves.)
We have now been married three years. Bob adopted my little boy and is a wonderful husband and father. I feel truly blessed to have such a happy home.
The problem? Anna is once again planning a trip to the U.S. to see Bob and the family. I see red every time I hear them singing her praises. (Not since Mother Teresa has there been such a saint!) I am filled with anger and dread over her impending visit and cannot imagine how I'll get through it. Bob knows how I feel. He says he loves me and there's absolutely nothing to worry about.
Am I being unreasonable -- or is this an unreasonable situation? -- HAPPY/UNHAPPY WIFE IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR HAPPY/UNHAPPY: I wouldn't call you unreasonable. Unrealistic is more like it. There is an old saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Anna is an old family friend from the past. Her romance with your husband is long over -- and there is our whole country and the Atlantic Ocean between them. Please don't put yourself in the middle. Give her a hearty welcome. She won't be here long -- and you might even grow to like her.
Woman in Affair With Boss Wonders if She's Being Used
DEAR ABBY: I have finally met the man I have been waiting for. I began working here 10 months ago, and from the day I walked in and saw my boss, I knew he and I were meant to be together.
We began an intense physical relationship two weeks after I was hired. We had lunch and talked on the phone every day. Then suddenly, about a month later, he stopped having anything to do with me personally and started keeping his distance at work.
I still believed with all my heart that he was the man for me. I waited and waited. I knew he would come back to me -- and after six months he did! For the last four months he has been showering me with attention. I am completely in love with this man, but there are days at work when he doesn't speak to me. He contends that all is still good between us.
I am an attractive woman and almost every man at work has asked me out. Could my boss be stringing me along just to have bragging rights with the guys? Am I just a toy for him? A trophy, if you will. Could he be using me?
Please don't print my name or location. This is a small town, and anyone who sees my letter would know it is me. -- JANE DOE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.
DEAR JANE: The kind of attraction you have described is hard to conceal, and the men at work may have picked up on the "electricity" between you and your boss. That might also account for the fact that almost every one of your male co-workers has asked you out.
Let me suggest this: One of you may have confused advances with advancement. If you're not the love of HIS life, and he has, indeed, been using you -- you may have one heck of a harassment claim. I'm holding a good thought for the both of you, but whether you're a toy, a trophy, a convenience, or the love of your boss's life remains to be seen.
DEAR ABBY: I was married for 18 years when my niece, "Gwen," announced at a family cookout on Mother's Day that she and my husband, "Budd," were having an affair. We have since divorced and they have married.
I have done all I can to accept this; however, it is very hard to do. I am very angry. I hate the fact that Gwen comes to my home every day to pick up my four children. I have asked Budd to make other arrangements so I don't have to have contact with Gwen, but they refuse to cooperate. They say I am being childish and unreasonable.
I have been going to counseling and was told to "let it go" and "get over it." Please tell me how. -- HAD IT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HAD IT: What happened was a betrayal -- and the way you found out was brutal, ugly and humiliating. However, for your children's sake, you must take the high road and move on with your life. The alternative is to cut yourself off from the rest of your family at the time you most need their support. When your children are older, they will understand the terrible situation you were placed in and how courageously you handled it.
It is also important that you take time for yourself and become socially involved again. It will distract you from your problems. You deserve to be happy, too.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man Hides Wife and Children From Woman He Claims to Love
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Harold" for two and a half years. We are in love and things were great until a year ago, when a friend informed me that Harold is married and the father of three children. When I asked him if it was true, he confessed that yes, he is married, but he's not "in love" with his wife and they are getting a divorce. They have not lived together in the time we've been dating; he has a separate apartment -- and their divorce will be final soon.
My problem is Harold still doesn't want me to meet his children. He says he doesn't want to upset them and isn't sure how they'll react to me. They are 16, 8 and 5.
I'm attractive, well-educated and hard-working. I only want what is best for their dad. I feel I should meet his children. They are an important part of his life and he adores them. I have met many of his friends and some of his family. Is it unreasonable for me to expect to be introduced to his kids?
I bring the subject up occasionally, but it upsets him. He says I need to "give him time." I'm beginning to think his children will never be happy at the thought of their father being with a woman other than their mother, and I'm beginning to doubt Harold's sincerity. What should I do? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN KENTUCKY
DEAR S.T.: I don't blame you for having doubts. Harold appears to have severe memory problems. "Forgetting" to mention a wife and three children for two and a half years is a dismaying lapse. You had a right to the truth about his marital status from the beginning.
It should be apparent to you by now that Harold is capable of withholding important information. It makes me wonder what else he may be concealing. Meeting his children is the least of your problems right now. Do you have proof that he's even being divorced? If I were you, I'd insist on seeing the papers. If there are none, I'd be out the door and out of his life. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is helping me to write thank-you notes for the wedding presents we recently received. Yesterday, we learned that his great-uncle has passed away.
Should we address the thank-you note to just his great-aunt or to both of them? The gift was from both of them. -- STUMPED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR STUMPED: The thank-you note should be addressed to the surviving relative. However, it would be thoughtful to include a mention in your note that their gift will be especially treasured because it came from both of them.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is pregnant (a baby girl) and has decided to name her "Haley." That's not the problem, though.
We have a family tradition that a baby's middle name be after a member of the family. My sister-in-law's mother recently died of cancer, and Haley would have been her only granddaughter. The problem is that Grandma's name was Mary, which means the baby's name will be Haley Mary. Do you think that name will cause her to be teased when she reaches school age? -- CONCERNED IN COLORADO
DEAR CONCERNED: Very possibly. But that doesn't mean she couldn't be given a variation of her grandmother's name -- like "Haley Marie." It's worth considering.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)