For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman in Affair With Boss Wonders if She's Being Used
DEAR ABBY: I have finally met the man I have been waiting for. I began working here 10 months ago, and from the day I walked in and saw my boss, I knew he and I were meant to be together.
We began an intense physical relationship two weeks after I was hired. We had lunch and talked on the phone every day. Then suddenly, about a month later, he stopped having anything to do with me personally and started keeping his distance at work.
I still believed with all my heart that he was the man for me. I waited and waited. I knew he would come back to me -- and after six months he did! For the last four months he has been showering me with attention. I am completely in love with this man, but there are days at work when he doesn't speak to me. He contends that all is still good between us.
I am an attractive woman and almost every man at work has asked me out. Could my boss be stringing me along just to have bragging rights with the guys? Am I just a toy for him? A trophy, if you will. Could he be using me?
Please don't print my name or location. This is a small town, and anyone who sees my letter would know it is me. -- JANE DOE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.
DEAR JANE: The kind of attraction you have described is hard to conceal, and the men at work may have picked up on the "electricity" between you and your boss. That might also account for the fact that almost every one of your male co-workers has asked you out.
Let me suggest this: One of you may have confused advances with advancement. If you're not the love of HIS life, and he has, indeed, been using you -- you may have one heck of a harassment claim. I'm holding a good thought for the both of you, but whether you're a toy, a trophy, a convenience, or the love of your boss's life remains to be seen.
DEAR ABBY: I was married for 18 years when my niece, "Gwen," announced at a family cookout on Mother's Day that she and my husband, "Budd," were having an affair. We have since divorced and they have married.
I have done all I can to accept this; however, it is very hard to do. I am very angry. I hate the fact that Gwen comes to my home every day to pick up my four children. I have asked Budd to make other arrangements so I don't have to have contact with Gwen, but they refuse to cooperate. They say I am being childish and unreasonable.
I have been going to counseling and was told to "let it go" and "get over it." Please tell me how. -- HAD IT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HAD IT: What happened was a betrayal -- and the way you found out was brutal, ugly and humiliating. However, for your children's sake, you must take the high road and move on with your life. The alternative is to cut yourself off from the rest of your family at the time you most need their support. When your children are older, they will understand the terrible situation you were placed in and how courageously you handled it.
It is also important that you take time for yourself and become socially involved again. It will distract you from your problems. You deserve to be happy, too.
Man Hides Wife and Children From Woman He Claims to Love
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Harold" for two and a half years. We are in love and things were great until a year ago, when a friend informed me that Harold is married and the father of three children. When I asked him if it was true, he confessed that yes, he is married, but he's not "in love" with his wife and they are getting a divorce. They have not lived together in the time we've been dating; he has a separate apartment -- and their divorce will be final soon.
My problem is Harold still doesn't want me to meet his children. He says he doesn't want to upset them and isn't sure how they'll react to me. They are 16, 8 and 5.
I'm attractive, well-educated and hard-working. I only want what is best for their dad. I feel I should meet his children. They are an important part of his life and he adores them. I have met many of his friends and some of his family. Is it unreasonable for me to expect to be introduced to his kids?
I bring the subject up occasionally, but it upsets him. He says I need to "give him time." I'm beginning to think his children will never be happy at the thought of their father being with a woman other than their mother, and I'm beginning to doubt Harold's sincerity. What should I do? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN KENTUCKY
DEAR S.T.: I don't blame you for having doubts. Harold appears to have severe memory problems. "Forgetting" to mention a wife and three children for two and a half years is a dismaying lapse. You had a right to the truth about his marital status from the beginning.
It should be apparent to you by now that Harold is capable of withholding important information. It makes me wonder what else he may be concealing. Meeting his children is the least of your problems right now. Do you have proof that he's even being divorced? If I were you, I'd insist on seeing the papers. If there are none, I'd be out the door and out of his life. Please consider it.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is helping me to write thank-you notes for the wedding presents we recently received. Yesterday, we learned that his great-uncle has passed away.
Should we address the thank-you note to just his great-aunt or to both of them? The gift was from both of them. -- STUMPED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR STUMPED: The thank-you note should be addressed to the surviving relative. However, it would be thoughtful to include a mention in your note that their gift will be especially treasured because it came from both of them.
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is pregnant (a baby girl) and has decided to name her "Haley." That's not the problem, though.
We have a family tradition that a baby's middle name be after a member of the family. My sister-in-law's mother recently died of cancer, and Haley would have been her only granddaughter. The problem is that Grandma's name was Mary, which means the baby's name will be Haley Mary. Do you think that name will cause her to be teased when she reaches school age? -- CONCERNED IN COLORADO
DEAR CONCERNED: Very possibly. But that doesn't mean she couldn't be given a variation of her grandmother's name -- like "Haley Marie." It's worth considering.
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Unwary College Kids Can Be Buried Under Credit Card Debt
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to raise awareness about a serious and widespread problem -- student credit card debt. Young adults, who are often "credit card illiterate," are inundated with credit card offers once they set foot on college campuses.
Parents need to understand that their college-bound teens will be able to obtain multiple credit cards even if they have no prior credit history, no employment and no co-signer. Many students then face life-altering consequences because of excessive credit card debt, such as dropping out of school, defaulting on school loans, or graduating with a poor credit rating or looming bankruptcy. Credit card debt can also cause psychological depression and contribute to lower GPAs and increased substance abuse.
It is vital that parents educate their children about responsible credit card use BEFORE they leave for college. Financial literacy should also be taught in high schools so that young adults fully understand the costs of credit and the consequences of irresponsible credit card use. Students who graduate with poor credit ratings are likely to have difficulty renting apartments and receiving competitive-rate loans. They may even have limited employment opportunities.
Thank you for sharing this important information with your readers. -- CAROL A. CAROLAN, Ph.D., CENTER FOR STUDENT CREDIT CARD EDUCATION INC.
DEAR DR. CAROLAN: I hope both parents and students will heed your message. An important lesson learned last year by a college senior bears repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In my freshman year, I was bombarded with credit card applications promising great rates and free merchandise for signing up. I couldn't resist accepting, but promised myself I would use credit cards only for emergencies.
I am now about to graduate and owe several thousand dollars on my credit cards and have nothing to show for it. If I pay only the minimum each month, it will take me 12 years to pay off what I owe. I wish I had been given the following tips:
(1) Live within your means.
(2) If you cannot pay cash for a meal at a restaurant, do not eat out. Eat at the school cafeteria or make a sandwich.
(3) The new CD or DVD you want will still be around when you can afford it. Listen to the radio or rent a movie.
(4) Rather than going to a club or movie with a group of friends, find inexpensive activities (like playing cards or board games) and spend your evening enjoying them. You'll be amazed at what you can save.
(5) If your college offers a class on managing credit and credit cards -- take it! If you have already resolved never to rely on credit, it will reinforce that intelligent decision.
I hope you deem this letter important enough to print, Abby. Credit card debt is a huge problem for many college students. I should know; I'm one of them. -- COLLEGE SENIOR WHO LEARNED THE HARD WAY
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)