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Office Party Gossip Inspires Worker to Sleuth for the Truth
DEAR ABBY: My boss hosts occasional after-hours get-togethers with both married and single co-workers. I am married, and a recent conversation with one of the single women bothered me.
"Yvette" told us that she has been in contact with an old lover, "Luke." She said that while they were together, he'd had a girlfriend, but would see her "on the side." Yvette said she hadn't talked to him for more than seven years. She wasn't sure whether or not she should start seeing him again, since he had always been a "skirt chaser."
We left that evening knowing more about Luke than we cared to -- his last name, where he works and other details. The next day, I called his office under the guise of being a friend of Luke's. I said I needed the information to invite him "and his wife" to a party. The receptionist gave me his wife's name and their address.
I checked the phone book. Sure enough, they're listed. I'm not sure Yvette knows Luke's married. Should I tell her? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR WONDERING: Mind your own business. Yvette's "affairs" are not your own.
P.S. Your letter illustrates why after-hours office gatherings can be a legal liability for businesses. After the drinking starts, tongues loosen and propriety is usually the first casualty.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jasper," and I have been married for a little more than a year. He was diagnosed with cancer a few months before our wedding, and I spent our honeymoon sitting by his side while he was recovering from surgery and chemotherapy. Thankfully, he is in remission, and we are expecting our first child.
Jasper recently brought home a large dog with long hair. He knows I have suffered from allergies my whole life. My in-laws tell me I don't "seem" to be so allergic, and after the baby is born I should just medicate myself for the rest of my life. My in-laws also think I should be the one to care for the dog because Jasper "works all day." (I also have a full-time job.)
I feel like I am being made out to be the "unreasonable dog hater," and it's stressing -- and sneezing -- me out. What should I do? -- RED EYES IN SKOKIE, ILL.
DEAR RED EYES: Stand your ground. After all your support during his health crisis, your husband is showing a surprising lack of concern for your own health and feelings. Do not hesitate to tell him what's on your mind. Inform him that he has one week to find that dog a new home, or HE will be sleeping in the doghouse.
DEAR READERS: I am pleased to announce that the author of the poem "Ode to Myopia," which appeared in my column last December, has been located. Its correct title is "Mirror" and the author is Cary Fellman.
MIRROR
by Cary Fellman
My face in the mirror
isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty,
the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
and so does my lawn.
I think I will not
put my glasses back on.
Familiarity Breeds Aversion to New Friend, Co Worker
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, my husband and I moved to the Pacific Northwest so he could attend grad school. Neither of us had a job, and we have a 1-year-old son to support. Through providence, I met "Maggie," a woman at our new church. She asked if I needed a job. I interviewed at her office and was hired immediately. I felt truly blessed.
The problem is, after getting to know Maggie better, I find her to be unbearable. She is a bad manager -- bossy, noisy and a poor communicator. On top of that, I think she is also a compulsive liar. My co-workers tend to shy away from me because they think I am "Maggie's good friend." Abby, I honestly don't like her any more than they do. She asks me to lunch often, and I am always making excuses not to go. I am grateful for the job, so what should I do? -- FEELING TRAPPED IN TACOMA
DEAR FEELING TRAPPED: Since you are not happy working with Maggie, start looking for other employment immediately. It is easier to find a job when you already have one. When you submit your resignation, thank Maggie for the opportunity you were given. Tell her you've found another job more to your liking, and that you'll see her in church.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Denise," and I have been together for 21 years; married for 11.
When we first moved in together, we lived in a studio apartment. Her parents would visit us twice a year and never hesitated to make themselves at home in our cramped space. They even slept in our bed.
Now that we have a house and kids, my in-laws visit for at least a month twice a year. Denise says I treat them "badly" because I don't talk to them much. Well, I don't have anything in common with those people.
I've tried to tell Denise that the length of time her parents are underfoot is way too long for me, and that I'd never impose on anyone like that -- but she insists that because her parents live 1,500 miles away, it "wouldn't make sense" for them to cut their visits short.
This situation has taken its toll on me, Abby. It has also caused marital problems. I have tried to reason with Denise, but she won't budge -- and now she's giving me the silent treatment. I think her mother is in on it, too.
All I ask for is a little common sense and courtesy. I've spoken to a number of friends and family members. They think I'm nuts for having allowed this scenario to repeat itself year after year. I think visitors are like fish -- they start to stink after a number of days. What do you think, Abby? -- JUST A PRIVATE GUY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR PRIVATE GUY: The quotation is, "Fish and visitors stink in three days." It is from "Poor Richard's Almanac," written by Benjamin Franklin -- a very wise man, indeed.
By allowing her parents to overstay their welcome, your wife is discounting your feelings. If Denise won't agree to shortening their stays, perhaps she should compromise by going to visit them, instead of them intruding upon you. That way she would have as much time as she wants with her parents and you would have your peace of mind.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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At Home College Student Bids to Lift Her Weekend Curfew
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Jill," began college near our home a few weeks ago. Jill was on her high school honor roll and was the recipient of numerous academic awards. She holds down a part-time job that enables her to cover her car payment and insurance. She has never been a problem.
Jill recently turned 18, and now she wants to re-negotiate her curfew. She wants to stay overnight at her boyfriend's on weekends.
Jill's father and I told her if she wants to spend the night with her boyfriend, she should move out of our house. But with her attending college this fall, it's not financially realistic.
What should we do, Abby? Let her do what she wants, or insist that she find her own place? We need to give our daughter a final answer and we're counting on you. -- MICHIGAN MOM AND DAD
DEAR MOM AND DAD: Stand your ground. Although your daughter appears to be mature and responsible, I see no reason why you and your husband should compromise your values. Jill must weigh what is more important to her right now -- completing her education under your roof or spending nights at her boyfriend's.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and have a good friend, "Jillian," whose father died from lung cancer six months ago. While her dad was sick, Jillian didn't hang out with us often because she wanted to spend as much time as possible with him while she could.
When Jillian's dad passed away, all her friends and I wanted was to be there for her, but her mom wouldn't let us. Now that Jillian's dad has been gone all this time, her mom still won't let her out of the house for anything other than school. No one ever sees her outside of school -- and during class she looks and acts depressed.
I understand Jillian's mom being protective, but she won't let her daughter answer the phone or even go to the mall with us.
Do you have any advice for me and Jillian's other friends, so we can get her mother to lighten up? It's not like her mom doesn't know us. She's met every one of us, and Jillian says she likes us all. -- FRIENDS OF JILLIAN
DEAR FRIENDS: It appears Jillian is being held captive in her own home. You and your friends should talk to the school counselor or a trusted teacher about your concerns for Jillian -- her depression and her isolation. Her mother may need psychological help to get through the loss of her husband.
DEAR ABBY: How does one acknowledge the birthday of someone who recently had a death in his or her immediate family?
I recently sent a friend a handwritten note that read, "I'm sure you don't feel much like celebrating your birthday, but I wanted you to know I remembered and I'll be thinking of you on your special day."
Yesterday, a mutual friend told me that my note acknowledging her recent tragedy made her feel awful.
What would you have done under similar circumstances? -- FEELING AWFUL, TOO, IN DENVER
DEAR FEELING AWFUL: I probably would have done the same thing you did. Your friend is not herself right now. She's grieving. So take it in stride, pick up the phone, and tell her that you heard your note did not have the desired effect. Then apologize.
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