To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl Fears Parents' Reaction to News of Her Pregnancy
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. This morning I found out that I am pregnant. I haven't told my parents, because I'm scared of their reaction. It's so hard. What are my options? -- ALONE AND TERRIFIED IN COLUMBUS, GA.
DEAR TERRIFIED: You may feel alone right now, but you aren't. If it is at all possible, confide in your mother or another trusted female adult right away. Do not waste any time. You need more support right now than I can give you in this column.
If there is no adult you trust enough to tell, your next best option is to contact Planned Parenthood. The caring and understanding staff will confirm whether or not you are pregnant. They will then explain all of your options to you. They also provide excellent low-cost prenatal care. Planned Parenthood is listed in your phone book.
DEAR ABBY: My 7-year-old, "Richie," attended a birthday party today. Pizza and cake were served, and goodie bags were handed out at the door as the kids left. In the car, on the way home, Richie opened his and found inside a thank-you note from the birthday boy which read, "Thanks for coming to my party and thanks for the great present!"
Abby, I was shocked. My son repeated the words, "Great present? Mommy, he didn't open his presents during the party. How could he know what I gave him was great?"
After my kids' parties, we sit down together and write an individual thank-you card for each gift, and in it my son mentions the particular present. Sometimes we even enclose a photo of the child taken at the party.
In the past, we have received e-mail thank-yous, but never one in a goodie bag sent home the day of the party. Is this tacky or a sign of the times? No name or location, please. We live in a small town. -- OFFENDED IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR OFFENDED: The parent who came up with the idea of a generic thank-you did her son no favor. Writing a gracious thank-you note is an acquired skill -- one with which every child should become familiar as soon as he or she can hold a pen or pencil.
It doesn't have to be long or fancy, but it must be personal and sincere.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Safety Conscious in Northern California," who observed a young child left alone in a car and told another mother instead of calling the police, reminded me of how a friend of mine handled a similar situation.
While driving to work, she saw a child of kindergarten age sitting alone at a bus stop. This went on for several days and she couldn't get him out of her mind, so she decided to take action.
One morning, she stopped her car at the bus stop and asked the boy to give his parents a note. The note said, "I am not a pervert, but I got close enough to your little boy to give him this note. Next time, you might not be so lucky!"
The next morning, and every morning thereafter, that child's mother was waiting with him at the bus stop. -- LOVING KIDS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR LOVING KIDS: Your friend is an excellent communicator. She sent a message the boy's mother will never forget.
Man's Tongue Will Never Trip Over Girlfriends' Same Names
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Wife No. 2 in Texas," who gets upset when her husband slips and calls her by his first wife's name, reminded me of an old boyfriend of mine.
After calling his girlfriend "Diane" by his previous girlfriend's name, he decided it would be easier to only date girls named "Diane." I was Diane No. 2. He is now married to Diane No. 3. -- DIANE NO. 2, IN OHIO
DEAR DIANE THE SECOND: I told "Wife No. 2" to buy some "Hello, My Name Is (___)" stickers and plaster one on her shoulder and one on her nightie, and that would get her message across without being heavy-handed.
Her husband's lapse is very common. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Brains are complicated organs and get "wired" after years of marriage. That old linkage doesn't just disappear, and on rare occasions when a neuron misfires, the old name may get inserted into a sentence. It's unintentional, almost impossible to avoid and doesn't mean a blessed thing. I hope the wife lets go of her resentment and forgives her husband before she damages the relationship. -- BRUCE IN EVANSTON, ILL.
DEAR BRUCE: So do I.
DEAR ABBY: My husband has made these slips of the tongue for almost 35 years. His first wife died long before I met him. I have called him by my first husband's name, too. I think it's only natural.
One of our sons is divorced and remarried, and he has done the same thing. It's just force of habit. My advice to "Wife No. 2" is ... get over it! Don't sweat the small stuff. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT ... MANY TIMES!
DEAR BT, DT, MT: You're right. I have done it too -- and so has MY husband. We laugh about it when it happens.
DEAR ABBY: Until I was 8 years old, I shared a bed with my brother, Arthur. From then on, I slept alone until I was married. On a few occasions, usually when I was half-asleep, I called my beloved young wife Arthur. I'm happy to say she took it with good humor.
You suggested a light-hearted solution, and that's the key. To become furious over such a trivial offense is bad both for her marriage and her health. -- M.L., M.D. IN N.Y.
DEAR DOCTOR L: Laughter is the best medicine. And it's a prescription everyone can afford.
DEAR ABBY: I was raised by parents who often called our female dog by my name, and me by hers because we were always together. I adore my two daughters, but I sometimes draw a blank on their names. It has become a family joke. I am not old or senile, but name confusion is not all that uncommon. And it's certainly not meant to be a slight. -- DERRY, N.H., READER
DEAR READER: It used to happen to me occasionally when I was dating. I know first-hand how embarrassing it can be. The only thing that's worse is to completely draw a blank.
DEAR ABBY: I am Wife No. 4. My husband's first wife and I have the same first name. His second and third also had the same first name. He calls me "Hon." -- LINDA IN COVINGTON, IND.
DEAR LINDA: Now there's a sweet -- and safe -- solution.
DEAR ABBY: I was married for nearly 20 years. I know from experience that what happened to Wife No. 2 is simply the result of a deeply ingrained habit. After my wife and I divorced, I met a wonderful, kind man. We have been together nearly five years. As dearly as I love him, I have called him by my ex-wife's name. -- GAY AND HAPPY IN N.C.
DEAR G AND H: Thank you for some straight talk on a sensitive subject.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dad Disconnects Teen's Plan to Ask His Daughter for a Date
DEAR ABBY: I am a junior on the high school football team. "Amy" is one of our school's cheerleaders. We get along great and I want to ask her out. The problem is, I called Amy's house and asked to talk to her, but her father wouldn't let her come to the phone until I gave him my full name and told him where I was from. He made me nervous, and before I could answer, he hung up on me. Did I do anything wrong? -- JACK THE JOCK IN JERSEY
DEAR JACK: You didn't "do" anything wrong. However, there are certain rules of telephone courtesy, and you failed to follow them. I list them all in my booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." This booklet may be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Some telephone tips from my teen booklet:
1. When you call, identify yourself immediately and ask for the person with whom you wish to speak. ("Hello, Mrs. Jones. This is Jack Smith. May I please speak to Amy?") Remember to speak up and sound confident. Don't mumble. Don't make anyone guess who you are; that's childish. If you are afraid you'll be so nervous you'll forget your telephone manners, write down what you want to say before you call. Then read it!
2. Always make the call yourself. If you haven't the courage to call and ask for a date yourself, then you aren't old enough to date.
3. If you're calling to ask for a date, specify the day and time, and explain what you have in mind so the person you are inviting will know what to wear.
4. Do not call at the last minute. It reduces your chances for an acceptance. ("Gee! You should have called sooner. I've promised to baby-sit tonight.")
Pay attention to these basic rules. They will come in handy for the rest of your life and the telephone will be your ally.
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 years old and I'm having flashbacks. At night, when I try to go to sleep, I see my ex-husband beating me, and other nights I relive my miscarriage. It has been six years since it happened, and I don't know why it is still bothering me. My nightmares are worse now than they have ever been.
Abby, I don't know how to stop these pictures in my head. Shouldn't I have gotten over these things by now?
I am now engaged, and my fiance is the greatest. I don't want to hurt him by obsessing about my hurtful past. Is there anything I can do? -- CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CONFUSED: Sometimes, when someone has experienced extreme trauma -- physical violence and a miscarriage would both qualify -- that person needs professional help to put it to rest and get past it. Pick up the phone and ask the operator for the number of the nearest rape crisis hotline. They offer counseling for the kind of physical and emotional battering you received, and it won't matter that it happened six years ago. Please don't wait to make the call. Help is available for you.