For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FATHER HESITATES TO TELL SON HIS MOTHER WILL BE IN PRISON
DEAR ABBY: I am a 31-year-old father of a 2-year-old son, "Joey." Joey has been living with me since my ex-wife, "Kathy," was indicted on federal charges that range from drug trafficking to money laundering.
Abby, I know I am a good father, but I am upset with Kathy for leaving me alone to raise Joey. My son needs his mother, too. Joey will be an adult when she is finally released from prison. My problem is, what do I say to Joey now when he asks, "Where's Mommy?" -- HALF EMPTY IN TEXAS
DEAR HALF EMPTY: Assure your son that his mother loves him and would be with him if she could, but that she had to go away for a while. It's the truth -- without any traumatizing details.
When he gets older, answer his questions as he asks them. In the meantime, I recommend that you investigate parent support groups. Parents Without Partners is a good one. For the chapter nearest you, call (800) 637-7974.
DEAR ABBY: I am a baby boomer. I seem to be regressing to my hippie days of the '60s -- growing my hair long, wearing peasant blouses and buying CDs of the Beatles and The Band. I dwell on the past and feel my best years are behind me. Am I in trouble here? Is this normal? Do any of your other "baby boomer" readers feel the same way? -- FLOWER CHILD IN NEW YORK
DEAR FLOWER CHILD: Everyone, at one time or another, idealizes the past and yearns for their "carefree" formative years. (In the haze of memory, most of the difficulties are minimized.) Many people still carry the '60s in their hearts and continue to enjoy the music. (A lot of them now wear business attire and carry briefcases.)
If you truly feel your best years are behind you, it's time to examine the reason why. Counseling will help you get to the root of it.
DEAR ABBY: You challenged readers to send you examples of social blunders. Here's mine:
An elderly friend with whom I was very close was sent to an assisted living facility by daughters who rarely visit her. Shortly thereafter, I received a request from one of them asking for memorabilia, photographs or poems for her mother's 80th birthday.
I was horrified when the woman added, "Then we can kill two birds with one stone and display them at her memorial service." What bad taste. Needless to say, I sent nothing but my good wishes. -- APPALLED IN MONTANA
DEAR APPALLED: I'm all for planning ahead, but planning someone's funeral while the person is in reasonably good health strikes me as rushing things a bit. However, for your friend's sake, you should have sent a small photograph or a personal note to mark the happy occasion of the birthday.
DEAR ABBY: My wife had an affair two years ago. She refuses to tell me the name of the man. We have worked hard to rebuild our marriage, and I want to forgive her, but unless I know who he is, I cannot fully trust her again.
I think I am owed the truth. She says there's no reason for me to know, but that she will follow your advice. -- WONDERING WHO IN OHIO
DEAR WONDERING: You have a right to know the truth. If your wife doesn't 'fess up, you will suspect every man with whom she has any contact. As long as you resist the urge to retaliate, it may help you achieve closure.
Woman's Private Fund Raising Takes Co Workers for a Ride
DEAR ABBY: At my office, many employees participate in fund-raisers for church groups or schools. These fund-raisers involve buying items such as wrapping paper, chocolate bars, etc. I usually buy "whatever" because it's for a good cause.
One of my co-workers, "Robin," frequently asks the rest of us to chip in to raise money for her daughter's school. However, Robin recently admitted to me privately that the money she's collecting is actually for herself. She justified her actions by saying the funds are for a "worthy cause" -- HER TRIP TO PARIS.
Should I tell my co-workers about Robin's scam, or report her to the companies providing the products she's selling for "charity"? I am disgusted by her deceit and her inability to see anything wrong with what she's doing. -- SICK ABOUT IT IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SICK ABOUT IT: By all means, speak up and tell your co-workers about her scheme. Robin's lack of ethics is appalling -- and may even be criminal. To remain silent makes you an accessory, so don't wait. Do it now.
DEAR ABBY: Two months ago, I told a boy at school I'll call Aaron that I've been infatuated with him. We are both 13. Aaron and I have been dating ever since my "confession," and I've been very happy with him until recently.
Lately, I can't stand him -- and I don't know why. I dread his phone calls, and I'm always trying to think up excuses not to see him.
Aaron has told me that I'm his whole world and he would kill himself if he ever "lost" me. This is my first relationship with a boy, and I don't know what to do.
Abby, please help. I want to end this thing with him, but I'm afraid of what he might do. -- SCARED AND WORRIED SICK IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR SCARED AND WORRIED: What Aaron is doing is emotional blackmail. On some level, he senses that you are losing interest and he is trying to make you responsible for his welfare.
Now is the time to tell your parents or another trusted adult exactly what is going on. Aaron's family should be informed about his self-destructive threats. Please don't delay.
In the future, don't be so quick to tie yourself to one person. Now is the time you should be enjoying activities with groups of friends.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently hired at a company that seems to be way out of my league. When I walked in, I saw young, beautiful, thin, well-bred, middle-class folks everywhere. I am none of those things. (Well, I am young.)
How does a person from one class work with another class without being noticed? By that I mean, how do I hide the fact that I don't fit in? -- FEELS LIKE A FRAUD IN FLORIDA
DEAR FEELS LIKE A FRAUD: Stop putting yourself down and anticipating problems that may never happen. If someone didn't think you'd fit in, you would not have been hired by your employer. Do your job well and you will be respected. Be friendly and reach out and you will make friends.
It's not what you look like or where you are from, it's what you have to offer that makes you a valued employee.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Mom, Daughter Are Miles Apart on Their Attitudes Toward Sex
DEAR ABBY: I just found out my 18-year-old daughter, "Lorraine," and I have drastically different views regarding sex.
Since her 18th birthday, Lorraine has had sex with three different men. She will meet them, spend a day with them, and have sex as part of the date. Lorraine feels that sex is "no big deal," but I am heartsick. She is putting her health in danger -- and I don't think what she's doing is emotionally healthy, either. Lorraine says I wouldn't feel this way if she were my son, but she's wrong.
Don't young people today care about their physical and emotional health? How can I make her understand that it is important to have an emotional attachment with someone before having sex? -- WORRIED MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Since your daughter appears to be tuning out your important message, I recommend that you both attend some sex education sessions so she can hear with a fresh ear what the concerns really are. Planned Parenthood, which is in your phone book, would be an excellent reference.
While you're at it, contact the American Social Health Association (ASHA) and ask for some of their comprehensive materials on sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which are rampant in our population. That way, even if your daughter is not willing to take your concerns to heart, she will at least know how to protect herself.
Call: National Herpes Hotline: (919) 361-8488; National HPV Hotline: (919) 361-4848; and the CDC's National STD and AIDS Hotline: (800) 227-8922. The Web address is www.ashastd.org. They also host a special Web site for teens: www.iwannaknow.org.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Don." He's in his mid-20s and comes from a good family. When we go out to eat, Don displays proper etiquette and table manners, with one exception: He holds his fork in his fist like a young child and shovels food into his mouth.
Friends have noticed this and commented to me about it. When I mentioned it to Don, it hurt his feelings. Is there a gentle way I can help my friend? -- DON'S DINNER PAL IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
DEAR DINNER PAL: You have already helped your friend by telling him what people are saying. Now it's time for HIM to change his eating habit -- or not.
DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday in church, while my husband, "Johnny," and I were on our knees praying, the preacher's wife, "Selma," who was sitting behind us, leaned forward and began giving Johnny a back rub. It really upset me. We've been going to this church for only a few weeks, and I felt it didn't look right.
Johnny says Selma was just being nice. I feel that out of respect for me, he should have told her to go rub her husband's back instead of his. It made me mad that Johnny was standing up for her. I think this is how adultery starts. Am I wrong? -- LOSING MY FAITH IN CENTRAL INDIANA
DEAR LOSING MY FAITH: Not necessarily. However, it's clear that Selma rubbed someone -- you -- the wrong way.
Next Sunday, make a point of sitting behind Selma. If she reaches for Johnny again, hit her with chapter and verse. "Thou shalt not covet ..."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)