What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom, Daughter Are Miles Apart on Their Attitudes Toward Sex
DEAR ABBY: I just found out my 18-year-old daughter, "Lorraine," and I have drastically different views regarding sex.
Since her 18th birthday, Lorraine has had sex with three different men. She will meet them, spend a day with them, and have sex as part of the date. Lorraine feels that sex is "no big deal," but I am heartsick. She is putting her health in danger -- and I don't think what she's doing is emotionally healthy, either. Lorraine says I wouldn't feel this way if she were my son, but she's wrong.
Don't young people today care about their physical and emotional health? How can I make her understand that it is important to have an emotional attachment with someone before having sex? -- WORRIED MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Since your daughter appears to be tuning out your important message, I recommend that you both attend some sex education sessions so she can hear with a fresh ear what the concerns really are. Planned Parenthood, which is in your phone book, would be an excellent reference.
While you're at it, contact the American Social Health Association (ASHA) and ask for some of their comprehensive materials on sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which are rampant in our population. That way, even if your daughter is not willing to take your concerns to heart, she will at least know how to protect herself.
Call: National Herpes Hotline: (919) 361-8488; National HPV Hotline: (919) 361-4848; and the CDC's National STD and AIDS Hotline: (800) 227-8922. The Web address is www.ashastd.org. They also host a special Web site for teens: www.iwannaknow.org.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call "Don." He's in his mid-20s and comes from a good family. When we go out to eat, Don displays proper etiquette and table manners, with one exception: He holds his fork in his fist like a young child and shovels food into his mouth.
Friends have noticed this and commented to me about it. When I mentioned it to Don, it hurt his feelings. Is there a gentle way I can help my friend? -- DON'S DINNER PAL IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
DEAR DINNER PAL: You have already helped your friend by telling him what people are saying. Now it's time for HIM to change his eating habit -- or not.
DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday in church, while my husband, "Johnny," and I were on our knees praying, the preacher's wife, "Selma," who was sitting behind us, leaned forward and began giving Johnny a back rub. It really upset me. We've been going to this church for only a few weeks, and I felt it didn't look right.
Johnny says Selma was just being nice. I feel that out of respect for me, he should have told her to go rub her husband's back instead of his. It made me mad that Johnny was standing up for her. I think this is how adultery starts. Am I wrong? -- LOSING MY FAITH IN CENTRAL INDIANA
DEAR LOSING MY FAITH: Not necessarily. However, it's clear that Selma rubbed someone -- you -- the wrong way.
Next Sunday, make a point of sitting behind Selma. If she reaches for Johnny again, hit her with chapter and verse. "Thou shalt not covet ..."
Relative Fears 'Caring' Mom Is Doing Her Children Harm
DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law who I believe is abusing her children -- but not in the way most people think of child abuse. Not a week goes by that her kids are not in a doctor's office or an emergency room. She seems to be happy or feel "important" when in an E.R. or talking to someone with a medical degree.
Other relatives think she's an exceptionally caring mother. I think she's sick, but I'm not sure whom to contact. She does not think she has a problem. Meanwhile, my brother sits idly by -- or accompanies her on these outings.
Am I wrong, or should some type of authority or social service be notified? I know for a fact that she has used her insurance every week except two this year. -- WORRIED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR WORRIED: Child protective services in your community should be told what you have told me. You may be describing a condition called Munchausen by proxy -- a mental illness in which parents sometimes present their children as sick in order to get attention for themselves. For the children's welfare, this should be investigated.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Mickey," and I had a baby two months ago. Mickey made it clear from the beginning that he didn't feel ready to be a father. While I was pregnant, he seemed to be excited about the birth of our child. However, since our daughter arrived, Mickey calls her names, avoids holding her, and yells at her to "shut up."
I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about his behavior and have even offered to go to parenting class with him, but he refuses. He says he's already a parent and doesn't need "classes." As a last resort, I told him that if he continues to yell at her, I'm packing up and he'll never see us again.
Mickey's father was very abusive, and I'm afraid that history will repeat itself. Please help. -- SINGLE MOM IN LINCOLN, NEB.
DEAR SINGLE MOM: You are right to be concerned about your baby's welfare. Your boyfriend knows nothing about child development and has no interest in learning. Consult a lawyer regarding child support and get out NOW.
It is significant that your boyfriend is the son of an abusive parent. Mickey is already a verbal abuser; please don't wait until it becomes physical.
DEAR ABBY: I was just notified that my 30th high school reunion is in two months. I would like to attend and see everyone again, but in the years since graduation, I have unfortunately lost my hearing. I'm not embarrassed, just scared. (Hearing aids do not help.)
What do you suggest? -- THE WAY WE WERE IN JOLIET, ILL.
DEAR T.W.W.W.: Prepare a "hand-out" for your classmates -- a brief, but interesting update of what you've been doing for the past 30 years. Explain at the top that you have lost your hearing. Give these to your old friends, and have a blank journal on hand that they can write in. Ask them to include their addresses (home or e-mail). It's a wonderful way for all of you to continue to keep in touch.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Can't Shut Her Eyes to Peeping Tom's Intrusion
DEAR ABBY: Our family recently went to visit my in-laws at their cottage. While we were there, the septic system stopped working and my mother-in-law, "Doris," suggested that my niece and I relieve ourselves behind the shed.
After I followed her suggestion, I noticed my father-in-law, "Ralph," standing not too far away watching me. I was shocked and offended, but didn't tell my husband until we left a few minutes later.
We have had a problem in the past with Ralph. Once when I was nursing, he sat close to me and stared at my chest. My husband said, "There's only enough room for one head, Dad." Immediately afterward, I spoke to Doris and the peeping stopped.
The nursing thing was weird, but this goes way beyond that. I like and respect Ralph for the most part, but I don't know what to do. We go to my in-laws' every other weekend. I can't go over there and pretend nothing happened.
My husband wants to talk to his father alone, but I feel Ralph needs to account to someone other than his son -- he should also account to Doris. Is this taking it too far? -- UPSET IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR UPSET: I don't think so. Your father-in-law appears to have a serious problem with "boundaries." He also appears to be a voyeur -- a Peeping Tom. Since "peepers" have been known to escalate their behavior, it should be called to Doris' attention before her husband gets himself arrested and has to register as a sex offender. Please don't wait. It is possible that you are not the only person Ralph has been watching.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Kent," and I have been married for seven years, and I'm facing a painful decision. Kent has a drug problem. I didn't know about his addiction until recently, when money started disappearing from our joint account.
Kent admitted to me that he's had a habit since before I met him. However, he doesn't consider it to be a "problem." He made it clear that he has no intention of quitting. And I made it clear that I don't want to be married to someone who's addicted to drugs.
I should probably leave him, but I love him too much -- and we have four precious children who love him, too. My husband rarely shows any signs of drug abuse; that's why I never had a clue until now.
To his credit, Kent is a great husband and father. Please help me decide what to do, Abby. I am against drug use, but I dearly love my husband. -- TORN IN SASKATCHEWAN
DEAR TORN: You already know what you have to do. Until your husband is willing to admit he has a problem, he cannot get the help that's available.
Kent should be encouraged to get into rehab and attend meetings of Narcotics Anonymous where other addicts have found new courage, strength and hope. Call telephone information for the local number.
The N.A. Web site offers meeting (and other) information: www.na.org; the e-mail address is nainfo(at)na.org; or write to N.A., P.O. Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409.
If your husband refuses help, separate your finances from his and get the children away from him before they get the impression that drug use is acceptable.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)