Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Scratching Her Head Over Soldier Itching to Fight
DEAR ABBY: My husband has been in the Army for eight years and has never had the opportunity to serve overseas. His unit is now at the top of Uncle Sam's list for overseas deployment, and I am scared to death. He was recently offered a full-time position with the Air Force, where he would be stateside until he retires.
We have three children under the age of 3. I know that more than anything my children and I need him around. He refuses to even consider the offer and can't wait to go into combat and leave us behind. This has caused many arguments during the past few months, but he still won't budge.
As a soldier's wife, I know there are sacrifices to be made, but am I selfish to want him to stay here at home where it's safe? -- SOLDIER'S WIFE IN COLORADO
DEAR SOLDIER'S WIFE: Selfish? No. Human, yes. However, your husband is career military -- and the possibility of combat is a reality that goes along with it. It will take courage and resiliency on your part, but you will not face the separation -- or the risk -- alone. The families of everyone in your husband's unit, not to mention those already deployed, experience the same separation anxiety. I hope you all can emotionally support each other. There is strength in numbers.
DEAR ABBY: As my mother lay dying, one of her female friends asked her what she intended to do with her condo "when the time came." Mother was dumbfounded, but politely responded that she did not know -- she would leave those details up to her three adult children.
Mother passed away two months ago. This same "friend" sent our family a sympathy card. Inside she wrote: "What do you plan to do with the unit in Orlando? We have friends who would like to buy it. Let us know ASAP and we'll put them in touch with you."
Abby, how would you respond to this? -- APPALLED IN FLORIDA
DEAR APPALLED: This "friend" has set a new record for tactlessness and insensitivity.
How would I respond? If I wanted to sell the condo, I'd notify a Realtor and have him or her contact this friend. Alternatively, if I wanted to retain the condo, I'd ignore that "sympathy" card.
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school and I'm worried about my best friend, "Holly." She's started hanging with some raunchy guys who get into all sorts of trouble. Holly insists that she "connects" with them on many levels. It's a well-known fact that the guy she's now dating carries a gun.
I've tried to tell Holly how scared I am for her and that she could do better, but she refuses to listen. Should I continue to be her friend in spite of all these dangerous circumstances? -- WORRIED AND CONFUSED
DEAR WORRIED AND CONFUSED: It is time to start backing off. Whether she realizes it or not, Holly is headed for serious trouble -- and you must not get caught in the crossfire, literally or figuratively.
Tell your parents what's going on right away. With luck, they'll inform her parents, and if this is happening on school grounds, the principal and the police should also be notified.
Welcoming New Relative Is Foreign to Bigoted Brother
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my 28-year-old, college-educated daughter, "Emma," married "Manny," a wonderful young man. The problem is, her brother (my son "Bruce") hates Manny because he is from a foreign country and not as well-educated as Emma. He feels Emma is wasting her life married to him.
Emma has told me she dated a lot of "well-educated jerks" and feels lucky to have found a wonderful, caring, loving, hard-working man who adores her. She doesn't care that she makes more money than Manny.
I am filled with resentment that Bruce and his family have cut themselves off. Emma and Manny are not welcome at Bruce's home for holiday dinners or family get-togethers. This has hurt my daughter terribly.
Bruce still wants to have a relationship with me, but I am so angry that it's difficult to be civil to him. My son is rigid and judgmental, and it is impossible to reason with him. I don't believe he will ever accept Manny into our family. Any advice? -- ANGRY MOM IN TULSA
DEAR ANGRY MOM: It appears you have raised a son who has the bigotry of Archie Bunker, but with none of the humor or charm.
Bruce cannot banish Emma and Manny from the family unless you and the rest of the family cooperate. My advice is to arrange alternative sites for family gatherings at holiday time and extend an invitation to Bruce and his little family. If they choose not to include themselves, it's THEIR problem. Don't make it yours.
DEAR ABBY: I am 16 and have never had a boyfriend or any romantic experience. Lately, a boy I met in summer school (I'll call him James) has shown some interest.
James has started calling me, and I think he might ask me out. I haven't really gotten to know him yet, but most of my friends think he's a loser because he's not particularly good-looking.
As much as I care about what my friends think, I want to give James a chance. Should I? -- MIXED-UP IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR MIXED-UP: Absolutely! But only if you are prepared to defend your choice and not allow your friends to make such a personal decision for you.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-70s and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's a year ago. I am doing well so far and very few people have been told about my illness. Only my children and a few close friends know.
I just learned that my daughter informed my husband's family of my diagnosis when she wrote them a note in her Christmas card. We are not close to his family. They have never bothered to call, write, attend weddings or our 50th anniversary celebration, even though we have continued to invite them.
Abby, I can't understand why my daughter felt the need to tell. She hardly knows them. I feel betrayed. I wish they did not know. Please help me. -- ANGRY AND HURT IN IOWA
DEAR ANGRY AND HURT: Your daughter was wrong to disclose that personal information without first discussing it with you. Your daughter may have been reaching out for support for herself and for you. Please forgive her.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teen Wonders How to Pick Up Pieces After Violent Tantrum
DEAR ABBY: I am 17. Two months ago, I found out that my boyfriend, "Jesse," was cheating. I went berserk. I broke into his house when his parents weren't home and trashed his room. I tore up the cool stuff I had given him and threw it all over the place. I brought along all the gifts he had given me and did the same thing to them.
My problem is, we're back together now and his parents have banned me from their house. They are snobby, uptight people. His dad is a cop. His mom is a teacher. They are very opposite from my family. I know they will make me feel awful if I apologize -- so I haven't.
Jesse feels stuck in the middle, and it's starting to strain our relationship. What should I do? -- TEEN IN QUEENS, NEW YORK
DEAR TEEN IN QUEENS: The first thing you should do is talk to a counselor at school about anger management classes. Face it, honey, you went off the deep end.
By all means, you owe Jesse's family an apology. I recommend you make it quickly. Bear in mind that breaking and entering is a crime. So while you're at it, thank his father for not reporting it and putting you in the legal system. If they see you're contrite and sincere about getting help, perhaps they'll allow you back in their home.
DEAR ABBY: For 10 years, "Amy" and I have been best friends. We both graduated from a two-year community college.
Amy landed a great job in a prestigious firm. I couldn't find a job, so I finally accepted an entry-level position. Amy owns a beautiful townhouse. I rent a studio apartment I can barely afford. Amy is thin, beautiful and lucky. I'm chubby, plain and unlucky. Men gravitate to Amy despite how horribly she treats them. I am kind to men; they ignore me.
When Amy and I go out, I am invisible next to her. She's introduced me to men, but they have eyes only for Amy.
I'm happy for my friend, but I'm also jealous. Many times after we go out, I go home and cry my eyes out. Should I stop going out with Amy socially, but at the same time continue to "be there" for her? People are nicer to the beautiful ones. Sign me ... THE INVISIBLE GIRL
DEAR INVISIBLE GIRL: It's true that people who are good-looking have an initial advantage. But an unpleasant personality can quickly overshadow "beauty."
Since you feel you are constantly in Amy's shadow, limit the time you spend with her to one-on-one "girls only" nights out. It may also be time you widen your social circle so the spotlight can shine on you, and you can be appreciated for your special attributes.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl in eighth grade. My father is deployed and in the Middle East. My mother does nothing all day but sit in the window and watch cars go by. She is very depressed and she makes me depressed. I have tried everything I can think of to lift her spirits, but nothing helps.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can cheer up my mom? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM
DEAR WORRIED: You are a wonderful daughter, but it shouldn't be your responsibility to cheer up your mother. It's time for you to confide this problem to another trusted adult who knows her.
This is a very stressful time for loved ones of armed forces personnel who are deployed. There are online support groups for military spouses (www.militarywives.com is one of them).
Your mother should also be encouraged by another adult to discuss her lack of motivation and/or depression with her doctor.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)