For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TRIANGLE OF LOVE, FRIENDSHIP IS BROKEN APART BY BETRAYAL
DEAR ABBY: My heart is broken. I am a 21-year-old college student. Today was supposed to be my wedding day. My twin sister, "Diana," my ex-fiance, "John," and I were always very close. John and I have dated since high school. Last week, Diana told me she is three months pregnant with John's baby. She said that when I was studying for exams, she and John had a one-time fling while both of them were drunk. The two people I am closest to in the world have betrayed me. I no longer speak to either one.
I plan to return to college to finish my senior year. Do you think I can ever repair these relationships? Should I forgive John and marry him? Please help me. -- UNHAPPY IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR UNHAPPY: Can you repair these relationships? Possibly, with the passage of time. Should you marry John? Not unless you want your niece or nephew to also be your stepdaughter or stepson. That's a lot to swallow, but only time will tell -- lots and lots of time. In the meantime, enjoy your senior year. Participate in school activities and work on expanding your circle of friends.
DEAR ABBY: I am a college freshman in a city six hours from home. I miss my family, but I've been fortunate to have already made some wonderful new friends.
Lately, however, I've been concerned about the way I feel mentally, so I made a list of my feelings and behaviors that cause me concern. I then explored the Internet for advice. A number of credible Web sites indicate that my symptoms could be linked to clinical depression.
This has me worried. I don't want my new friends to think I'm "weird." Also, my parents are old-fashioned and could very well insist I return home.
Above all, I don't want anyone to overreact. This is all based on my own suspicions. Sometimes I get scared that something may happen to me because I didn't seek help. Who should I turn to, Abby? -- DEPRESSED STUDENT (NO LOCATION, PLEASE)
DEAR DEPRESSED STUDENT: The student health center on your campus is the place to express your concerns. Many first-year college students become anxious in their new surroundings when faced with academic challenges. If you suspect that you have a problem that requires counseling or medication, you are wise to face it squarely and not put it off. Depression is a disease. It is treatable and curable, and those who have it are not weird, so please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: I am only 13, but I have a big problem. I love both of my parents, but I don't like the way my dad treats my mom. Dad drinks a lot and abuses Mom. Not by hitting, but with words. Mom wants to leave, but she doesn't want to break up our family.
Lately, my older brothers are beginning to copy Dad. They mouth off at Mom and it makes me angry. I don't know how to help my parents without hurting one or the other. They both need help, but Dad refuses to get it. What can I do? -- ANGRY DAUGHTER/SISTER IN KANSAS
DEAR ANGRY DAUGHTER: Remind your mother that words can hurt as much as physical blows, and your brothers are already imitating their father's behavior.
Ask your mother how she will feel when her sons marry and abuse THEIR wives. Deep in her heart she knows that the time to put an end to this cycle is now. Continue encouraging your mother to do what she knows she should -- leave your abusive father for the sake of her children.
Diabetics Claim Blood Sugar Levels Do Affect Personality
DEAR ABBY: I was in shock when I read the letter from Dr. Barrett, the president-elect of the American Diabetes Association. He was commenting on the letter from "Wants a Life in Virginia," who said her husband's diabetes has led to irrational, irresponsible and even violent behavior. Writing to "set the record straight," Dr. Barrett denied that diabetes could be the cause. In no way was the record set straight by his letter.
The American Diabetes Association notes irritability and anxiousness in its list of symptoms, but doctors, nurses and those who work in nursing facilities can tell you of combative behavior for no reason and resisting treatment. To deny this truth is a disservice to those who need immediate attention.
Dr. Barrett made it harder for us all who deal with this disease and its challenges -- and there are many. -- BARBARA L. GIFFEN, VERMONT CHAPTER SUGARBUGS
DEAR BARBARA: I have a stack of testimonials 2 inches thick from people like yourself, also "in the trenches," vouching that blood sugar levels can and do affect a person's personality. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my blood sugar gets very high (350-plus) I become verbally abusive and develop a hair-trigger temper. As soon as the insulin kicks in, I return to my normal self. Many of my friends who are also diabetic tell me they react the same way. You and the good doctor should refrain from blanket statements. -- W.H.S., DANA, N.C.
DEAR W.: I agree. I have also been told that when a person's blood sugar gets LOW, he or she can become short-tempered. That is one reason why being a food server sometimes requires the skills of a diplomat. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have been an insulin-dependent diabetic for 34 years. To speak to Dr. Barrett's apparent agenda, no, I have never been in a brawl, never "gone nuts" in public. But my wife can tell a few stories. The spouses, partners and relatives of diabetics are unsung heroes. I have awakened her in the night having seizures. I have come to my senses after consuming sufficient sugar to find my wife weeping and refusing to tell me what I said, so I know it wasn't gibberish I was ranting, but something that could easily be characterized (to quote Dr. Barrett) as "irresponsible, irrational, and even violent behavior." It may not be my fault, but it remains my responsibility.
The agenda of the ADA, and most knowledgeable health-care professionals, is to emphasize to diabetics that they can be healthy, productive and happy (all true). What they no longer add to that list is "live a normal life." In an effort to overcome fears and misconceptions by the general public, the possibility of any other situation is downplayed to the rest of the world.
I hope you will acknowledge that regardless of the great challenges faced by diabetics, those who love them are also confronted by trials. -- ROBERT V., SYRACUSE, N.Y.,
DEAR ROBERT: Thank you very much for your honest letter. I contacted the American Diabetes Association after I received the avalanche of mail from readers who disagreed with Dr. Barrett. He still maintains that "based on the facts presented in the original letter, he would again state that diabetes is not an explanation for her husband's behavior."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WOMAN'S DREAM WEDDING DOES NOT INCLUDE FIANCE'S FAMILY
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Karl" for nearly two years. We are discussing marriage. The problem is, I can't stand his family. They are rude, unkempt, lazy and opinionated. Karl's family blames me for helping him to overcome his poor social skills and unhealthy lifestyle. Karl has lost a lot of weight since we started dating. He now wears clean clothes and has had his teeth fixed.
I have always wanted a lavish outdoor wedding and reception, but I don't want to invite Karl's family. I am afraid they will ruin it. I think it might be better to have a small civil ceremony. Karl disagrees, and it's causing a rift in our relationship. Please help. -- BEWILDERED IN OHIO
DEAR BEWILDERED: Before your wedding plans go further, you and Karl have some important issues to iron out. For better or worse, those rude, unkempt, lazy, opinionated people are his family. Do you expect him to divorce them in order to marry you? If the answer is yes, tell him now. If the answer no, accept that Karl comes with some heavy baggage that will be difficult to handle, unless a way is found for you to accept his family the way they are. Remember, too, that his parents will be YOUR children's grandparents. So look again before you leap.
DEAR ABBY: I am gay and have been dating "Warren" for more than four years. He's wonderful. The problem is, some members of his family strongly oppose his homosexuality and are rude when we visit his parents.
Because of their overt hostility, I no longer wish to attend these family functions. However, I want Warren to continue to go to the gatherings -- without me. Warren disagrees. He says I should continue to go with him, because the more his family sees us together, the more understanding they'll become.
Do you agree? Should I go to Warren's family gatherings, even though it's clear that I am not welcome? -- HELPLESS IN HARTFORD, CONN.
DEAR HELPLESS: Since this treatment has continued for more than four years, it's obvious Warren's family is not receptive to the two of you as a couple. Warren might try speaking to his parents about this problem, if he hasn't already. But if that doesn't change the atmosphere, I see no reason for either of you to subject yourselves to more rudeness or hostility.
DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. My neighbor, "Matt," lost his second wife three years ago. We are both in our 60s and have been friendly for two years.
Matt seems convinced that every woman who is nice to him has marriage on her mind. I don't want to remarry -- and he knows it -- but it doesn't seem to matter. He has been in my home numerous times, but nothing comes of it. He seems shy, and I know he is lonely, but he doesn't seem interested in an intimate relationship.
Matt is a wonderful man. I know he and I could be closer if he would just open up a little. People need people, Abby. What do you suggest? -- PEOPLE PERSON IN PEORIA
DEAR PEOPLE PERSON: That you ease up and accept your neighbor for the person he is. Matt may not want an intimate relationship -- or he may be unable to have one.
It's also possible he doesn't want to be hurt again. His reasons are his own, and if you pressure him, you may cause the end of a very nice friendship.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)